No matter what they tell you, everyone has a private room in the back of their heart. You open the door at your own discretion.
This piece is based on an AskReddit thread. Link on the last page.
1. A fork in the road.
We were long distance when we first started dating. This one time she came up to my place for four days, but I had to work one of the days. When I was gone she had to take a poop and clogged the toilet. She couldn’t get it to plunge and was freaking out so she went to the kitchen, got a fork and a plastic bag, and dug the waste out of the bowl.
Afterward, she threw all the evidence in a dumpster down the street.
She called her friend panicking and the friend thought it was hilarious. This friend told me about it one night my girlfriend and I moved in together. I find it funny but I don’t want to embarrass her!
2. Ancient ruins.
Used my girlfriend’s phone to Google something one morning and found really old man porn open in a private tab. I had a good laugh about it.
3. Patron of the arts.
Back when I was first starting to make my artwork public, I had a kickstarter campaign to fund a tour. I had just started dating my boyfriend, but he gave a relatively significant amount of money anonymously.
He tripped up in selecting his “backer’s reward”- an original piece mailed to his house. When I saw the address, I definitely didn’t suspect his roommates were just super supportive of my art.
It was so sweet of him, but Ive never let on that I knew.
4. Pillar of strength.
We were in the hospital for some weird pain that I had, uninsured, and the doctors thought it might be cancer. I lost it a bit. She was so brave for me.
But when her mother called, she went into the bathroom to talk. She didn’t realize that the sound echoed pretty loudly, and I could hear every word she said. (continued…)
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I heard her break down, sobbing, telling her mom she didn’t know how we were going to pay for treatment and that it looked really bad. I’ll never tell her I heard her, but God it was heartbreaking.
When she came out you wouldn’t even know she was so upset. She hid it so well. She sat right down and told me everything was going to be fine with such determination and such certainty. Literally took out her computer then and there and started making a spreadsheet of our finances to fit in my cancer.
I knew how much she loved me in that moment and how important it was for her that she was brave for me. I don’t know why but I got so calm after that. I haven’t broken down like that since, even with worse news. I guess she makes me strong.
5. Twerk from home.
Found videos of my ex bending over, dancing and twerking in my panties. Never told him.
6. Cover your tracks.
My wife dropped my iPhone in a Port-A-Potty toilet. Luckily there was a big pile of poop which gently held the phone above the liquid. She cleaned it off and gave it back to me. A year later I upgraded and gave her my old phone.
She insisted on purchasing a new cover even though I had a high-end OtterBox. I never understood why until one of the kids ratted her out.
7. The midnight cuddler.
He had always said he hates to cuddle at night because it gets hot/ it’s uncomfortable/I hog the blankets. However, when he thinks I’m asleep he’ll scoot over and wrap his body around me. If I even make a move like I’m awake, he’ll run back to his side and pretend it never happened. I think its freaking adorable.
8. The company ink.
She had sex with my boss before we knew each other, before I had been hired into the company. I’m not mad about it or anything, everyone has a past but she carefully dances around ever coming into my work now and I’m careful not to bring him up.
9. Buck naked.
I found out something extraordinary about my husband’s past that he neglected to tell me. (continued…)
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He was a prostitute, he was in some adult films, and he worked as an exotic dancer when he was young and hungry. He doesn’t think I know. Doesn’t know I don’t care. I’ll never tell.
How did I find out? Years ago a now-deceased friend of my hubands, someone who’d been in that life too, told me, and showed me proof.
The person I fell in love with was and is the sum total of their life. Middle class morality is not a luxury everyone can afford. It’s not a value system everyone embraces regardless.
It’s okay by me if people choose to reinvent themselves as they see fit.
10. Bearly secret.
He spent a ton of money on Boston Bruins tickets this year. Whenever he got tickets to a game, he claimed he got them for free through work but I know he paid for them. I don’t really mind since he can spend his money how he wants, but it’s funny to me that he thinks I wouldn’t realize he’s spending a few hundred bucks every time he goes to a game.
11. Hiding in the light.
Her ex is in town and she is secretly meeting him behind my back.
I know this because her location is always shared with me due to her habit of forgetting where her phone is.
12. Crack in the facade.
My girlfriend moved out a couple months ago because I threw her (then) 22-year-old son out for doing drug deals in front of my house, doing drugs inside, and stealing from us. I just found out that she was having him do crack runs for her too. I know I should leave her but I worry about what might happen to her if I do.
13. That’s so sad.
She says she doesn’t want children.
I know that she actually does want children, and that she’s not capable of having them, due to stumbling upon some medical records.
14. I love ALL of you.
He has been hiding that he’s autistic from me for ten years. (continued…)
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He had a bad experience with therapy and because of that, he thinks hiding his autism is the most important thing. Except that’s like trying to hide an elephant in a bathroom. So it’s always a weird charade of me pretending he’s not autistic while busting my butt to gently handle that.
I have no idea how to talk to him about it. I know he has a formal diagnosis. He was so traumatized from institutional medical abuse in the name of therapy that even mentioning it or acknowledging it can cause him to have a meltdown. He thinks if I knew, I wouldn’t love him anymore, but I’ve known for YEARS and I still love him.
I like him just how he is, I just want things to be easier and less scary for him, and I don’t know how to help most of the time because he won’t admit the problem.
15. So basic.
At night, once I go to bed, he binge-watches Gossip Girl. He thinks I dont know, and Im perfectly happy to let him go on thinking that.
16. One ring to rule them all.
I found out my fianc was wanting to ask me to marry him but wanted to get a super expensive ring for me so it was taking time to save up. I don’t give a crap about that type of thing. I’d marry him without a ring. So I went to his mom and told her what I knew and she told me we should go look at rings together so maybe I could pick something less expensive and she could talk him into it. I know, I’m sneaky.
Anyway, I found an incredible ring that was normally $500 but on sale for $100. I bought the ring and she called him and told him what she did. He was so happy! He asked me to marry him on Christmas Eve and it was by far one of the best days of my life. He has no clue that I was involved in the purchase. So he’s keeping the secret that he doesn’t know that I know.
17. Credit where credit is due.
I found out she had a credit card she had charged $2200 to. I confronted her for hiding it, and she admitted it and paid it off. (That’s the stupid part, we had the money in the bank.) Her brother is in prison and he manipulates her into sending him money. She agreed not to do that anymore.
The other day, I drove her car and there was an invoice stuck down between the console and parking brake lever. She has another credit card. I opened it and discovered she owes $1800 on that one. She doesn’t know that I know. Yet.
18. Eating out.
When I was 23, the girl I was dating went out with a friend to “get some food.” (continued…)
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Instead, they had sex. He told me the next morning, but she didn’t say a word. She actually slept in my bed that night. I didn’t end it right away, and that hung over our relationship FOR NINE YEARS.
If you are young and prone to co-dependency please take this to heart. If something goes wrong in your relationship dont ignore it. Don’t wait for someone elses poison to soak into your soul. Its not worth it.
18 months after finally breaking up with her, I met my future wife.
19. Keeping the same secret.
He’s bisexual. It’s okay. I am too.
20. That’s what love is.
Her lupus is getting much worse, much more quickly than she had expected. Apparently there’s a ton of scar tissue forming already even though she was only diagnosed two weeks ago. Her legs have swollen so much that she can’t bend her knees or walk without intense pain.
The worst part is that she always smiles when I come visit her and asks if I want to go hiking or play tennis (my favorite things). All I tell her is that I’m tired and I’d like to read comic books with her or just lay in bed.
21. Those sounds aren’t coming from the backseat.
My ex always hid that he watched porn even though he knew I didnt mind.
The last time I caught him, I had gotten into my car to run errands. But he had his phone synced up to my car. I turned it on and after a few seconds, I heard the unmistakable moaning and slapping of a relatively decent porno. His mother was in the car with me and we both laughed like hyenas.
I sent him a text after about five solid minutes of listening and said, “Save that video. I want to watch it with you later.”
Cue the sounds turning off and a frantic text saying he was asleep and he had a virus on his phone so he had no idea where it came from.
22. 40-year-old virgin.
I’m his first girlfriend. He’s 42.
Its nothing to be ashamed of, it’s just something he doesn’t know I know. I wish he’d been up-front about it in the beginning, but it doesn’t change how much I adore him in the least.
23. Rolling brownout.
A girl I dated a few years back had just graduated with her bachelors so I took her out for a night on the town. Her and our friends got absolutely demolished and I volunteered to be DD. When we get home, I put her into bed and she immediately passes out. I am sitting next to her watching some TV when I smell something. (continued…)
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I noticed that she had just pooped herself. She is one of those people who would be so ashamed of herself if anyone found out so I just… left.
I called her the next day and told her I dropped her off, got her some water and headed home. Never mentioned her accident herself or anything, so to this day she thinks she did it in her sleep after I left. I could have stayed and helped her clean it up and I probably should have, but she would have cried over that and avoided me for weeks.
24. In Bruges.
My girlfriend at the time decided to surprise me by buying a holiday to Brussels for us over my 30th birthday. I accidentally intercepted the hotel conformation email, so decided it was a good time to propose, as I’d been considering it for about 6 months.
Act all surprised when she tells me, then when we’re having dinner in the restaurant on the first night, I get down on one knee and propose.
Celebrating our 3 year wedding anniversary at the end of next month.
25. Croutons on the rocks.
Everybody likes snacks, right? Some of us like chips, others like fruit, or yogurt. Well, my wife likes croutons. Frozen croutons to be exact. She tries to hide it like an alcoholic hides bottles of vodka.
Where does she hide the croutons? In the freezer. At first I’d put them in the pantry when we get home from the grocery store, but they’d always end up in the freezer. I’d be like, “Uh, hun, what’s up with the croutons in the freezer?” And she’d act like she had no idea what I was talking about.
Now here’s the thing: I’ve tried them and now I’m addicted to them too. So now I openly eat cold croutons out of the freezer as a snack, and she tells me what a weirdo I am while she eats half the bag with me. No idea why she’s embarrassed to admit what a genius she is for discovering such an awesome snack.
26. What a bizarre lie.
My ex told me before we married that he lost his licence because he drove drunk. He had to retake his test. I later discovered that this wasn’t true at all – he’d never even had lessons before, let alone passed his test. He was such an idiot that he preferred me thinking he’d got caught driving drunk, than knowing the truth – that he didnt know how to drive.