From sharing more good qualities, to not forcing it when the love is gone, 33 people share the most valuable lesson they learned from their past relationships.
[Source can be found at the end of the article]
Don’t try to convince someone to stay with you. Don’t cheat. Don’t be insecure. Don’t forget to improve yourself. Don’t stop dating. Wash genitals often.
That even if you put in 100% of your love and commitment for years, they can still turn around and crap on everything you thought was sacred between you.
Some people are happily sailing along through life, come across a friendly port where they decide to stay and have a good time for however long it lasts. If necessary, they’ll always be able to sail on, stable and content.
Others are perpetually drowning, clutching to one bit of driftwood after the next, but ultimately still cold, drenched, and miserable. If they bothered to learn to tread water for a bit, they might discover that they’re in fact within arm’s reach of their own boat.
Don’t compromise what you really, deeply, truly want. Find someone who wants the same things, or you will be miserable.
It’s okay not to be in love with someone who is in love with you. But it isn’t going to work out for long without someone being miserable. The fact that you are comfortable around each other doesn’t mean you need to be in a relationship.
To not need anyone. Learn to be happy with yourself on your own. That way, when you’re in a relationship, it’s not based on dependence or to cure loneliness.
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When multiple friends tell you directly or drop hints that the person you’re dating isn’t good for you, listen to them. They’re your friends for a reason.
That not every beautiful or handsome person is going to agree and like what ever you like. Don’t find that person. Find a person that you can see yourself having a great conversation with 9/10 times.
Find someone who likes you for you. Forget your type, forget your check list.
If they don’t find you interesting and engaging, if they can’t tolerate your flaws (at least within reason) you are better off alone.
I found the perfect woman, problem is she didn’t like me and after a while, I didn’t like her because of it.
Don’t let sex hold things together, don’t compromise mutual respect.
Find a partner who really supports all healthy aspects of yourself.
Expect to be treated how you would want your child to be treated in a relationship. No name calling. Don’t throw the past into a current argument. Don’t keep score. You cannot change people, accept them where they are now.
Control of the relationship should be 50/50 split, same with the effort to stay in the relationship.
Also don’t let them hang out with you 24/7 because they become codependent, not to mention it’s also bad for the rest of your friendships.
It wasn’t as good as I remember it. I often tell myself that I regret ending the relationship because I became more miserable than when we were together, however I know that I did it for a reason. If your heart is telling you that you need to get out of it, then do it.
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Be willing to take the loss, let them go, move on immediately when they decide is over. The more you cling to someone, the less they want you. There are 7 billion people on the planet, there’s no shortage of prospects out there, go find another.
If they stick around, then hopefully they are fun to hang out with, otherwise it’s better to leave. I don’t spend time with boring people, no matter how hot they are. Life is too short to not enjoy it.
Probably that I won’t enter another relationship unless I meet someone who actually is compatible with me. I’m growing tired of having these 1-2 year relationships that break down because we’re too different.
In the end I don’t think those times of happiness is worth wasting on someone I won’t spend the rest of my life with. I might never find that perfect girl but I won’t waste my time on those who arent.
You shouldn’t be looking to be in a relationship for the sake of it, if you’re missing out on something you really need in a partner, go and look for it. Don’t be afraid to miss out on that second date just because you weren’t feeling it.
Get to know their friends quickly, before you fall in love.
Their friends say a lot about how they live their lives. In the past, if I’d heard the stories and seen the lifestyles before we got serious I wouldn’t have given it a chance.
Don’t forgive cheating. Just move out and move on.
Don’t stay with someone that can’t or won’t appreciate the ways you love them, and vice versa. We all need different things and we need to love in different ways.
Don’t ever start footing the bill without an agreement in place before hand. You’ll end up regretting how broke you were when things look better.
Share openly and equally.
My genuine answer is, that I was a jerk. I’ve met some amazing women in my life and I just wasn’t a good enough person for them. Either I ended the relationship because I thought I could do better or they ended it because they saw that I was in fact a jerk.
Right now I’m with someone I love and someone who loves me and truth be told if I hadn’t had made so many mistakes before I may have made them with my current girlfriend. I’m glad I learned from those past relationships because this girl is amazing and I’m glad I haven’t messed this one up.
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The way you behave and the way you allow your partner to treat you are the template for the relationship to follow. Be who you want to be, and make your expectations for the behavior of your partner apparent, from the get go. Don’t pretend to be ok with being treated differently than you want to be in the beginning while expecting things to change later because they wont.
If someone makes you feel good about the bad parts of yourself it’s usually because they share your bad qualities. This results in the two of you bringing out the worst in each other because you stop trying to change these bad qualities.
Being similar to your partner is great, but only if the qualities you share are the good ones.
I stayed in a relationship for 2 years even though my love for her had reached its peak about 8 months in. I thought “if I just stick with it, I’ll probably be in love with her eventually.” But I never was. Breaking up with her was so hard. I was in high school and did it through text because I was such a coward. I have spoken with her since and apologized profusely and have not been in a relationship since. I don’t want to accidentally do that to another girl.
Don’t ever take a day for granted.
Love for now, while planning for the future, but don’t let that mean you don’t enjoy now. Life is a series of moments, and too many people don’t enjoy them along the way. You never want to look back and realize that all your looking ahead prevented you from happiness.
Compatibility and love isn’t always enough, life has lots of dynamics.
Don’t love who you want them to be, or you’ll realize you missed out on who they are.
Don’t live to impress other people. And if it’s going to be for anyone, it should for your partner.
If someone is left unsatisfied after an argument or conversation, it wasn’t successful communication between you two.
You’ll still love them when it’s gone, and you’ll never find anyone like them. But that’s ok because you’ll always have those good times, and the lessons learned, and they’ll carry with you as a person even after you’ve seemingly forgotten them.
The hurt means that you loved deeply, and are capable of love, which is a small solace after a love is gone.
I’ve been sad for a while about losing a good one, and trying to accept truths. The past is unchanging, the future is uncertain: Both are truths that unlock the beauty of this moment.
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Find someone who isn’t negative about everything. They need to have a drive to better their life and not just sit around complaining while doing nothing. Do not get into a relationships just because your lonely. Learn how to be happy by yourself.
I learned to be upfront about commitment expectations – they were really interested in nothing too serious and kept the door open for open relationships and did not want something with a future.
I learned to not date in the same field – they would always get offended if I knew something they did not about their discipline, and would talk down to me if they knew something I did not. It also meant normal “how was your day Convo” was really exhausting.
I learned to schedule apart time – if we are together every day and night eventually we get worn of each other. Scheduling time where we don’t see each other and do something apart once per week gives us a chance to appreciate what the bring and remember how happy they make you.
I learned to be communicative – either of us being grumpy, growling, pouting without reason is assumed to be not caused by the other party. Sit there and sulk all you want, but if things need to get fixed or we offended each other, the only way to move past it and forgive all is to discuss it, maturely, calmly, and address preferred behaviors.
You have to find a reason to be in the relationship – something you’re getting out of it that makes you a stronger person when you’re with them – other than just staying because of perceived obligation because you care about the other person.
You should not feel uncomfortable nor make your partner feel afraid to bring up subjects. They are supposed to be your friend and you theirs.
You are going to be attracted to other people, it’s human nature. Being upset with them for having crushes, and liking other people, will only make them hide a side of themselves, and feel like they have to filter themselves with you. It’s okay, they chose you, just like you chose them.
Never stop doing the little romantic gestures. Leave notes, random flowers, and sweet texts at work saying I love you. Also, embrace each other after not seeing one another all day. (These are just examples, not everyone enjoys or feels loved by all these things, every relationship is different)
Most of all, this person you choose is on your team. It’s you and them figuring out and enjoying the world together, but make sure to do what you enjoy as well. There is only one you, don’t lose yourself to only do activities that your partner enjoys. They chose YOU too and should love you and be supportive with your hobbies even if they are not things that your partner likes.
Sometimes even when you know you aren’t in the wrong it’s easier to apologise just to move on. My previous relationship we would argue and both believe we were in the right so we would wait for the other to apologise. We could go 2 days without breaking but one of us would usually break on the 3rd. I now see that battle of silence as a complete waste of time.
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First long relationship lasted a year, I ended it because I finally noticed the signs of her emotional abuse and how she acted towards other people. She would make me feel bad if I was spending time with people even though she was out of town. If I didn’t respond quickly she either made me feel bad for making her feel bad or would get mad and ignore me. A year after we broke up we started talking again and I thought she was better, ended up being worse than before and took a toll on me again. Still haven’t had a solid relationship since partially because I’m scared of the emotional pain of it not working out and also scared of going out of my way to meet someone.
Have realistic expectations. In other words, stop daydreaming and appreciate what you have in front of you.
Communicate, never ever assume anything. Ask if necessary, keep asking until you understand.
Don’t give explanations you were never requested.
Talk about what you want and clearly define what you could or could never compromise, you will be miserable if you don’t.
Feelings matter, even if they don’t make sense. NEVER mock your partner, even if they’re being irrational or downright stupid.
Men don’t cheat because another woman is particularly beautiful or amazing. They cheat because another woman is simply something different or new and novel. The smart ones realize that a crush is fleeting, and will take that newly charged sexual energy home to you.
You know that scene in Master of None where H. Jon Benjamin is explaining that some days you’re 100%, and other times you’re like 20%? Yea, that is accurate.
And above all, be with the kind of person who tips servers well, who is kind to strangers, and who won’t question you when you bring home stray dogs or cats.
A lot of things, she was my first relationship. She was also the first friend I made in college where home and my HS friends are 5 hrs away.
I learned that I can’t be her everything; that I shouldn’t try to be her everything. That she shouldn’t be my everything. I went to her with all my problems because I thought she was all I needed and I inadvertently suffocated her. I isolated myself from my friends in the process.
I also learned where sex belongs in a relationship. She used an analogy of a chocolate sundae. You got your vanilla ice cream, that’s the emotional side based upon which the relationship is founded. You then have the chocolate sauce which, for me, was analogous to sex. You can’t have a chocolate sundae without chocolate much the same that I can’t have a romantic relationship without sex. For her, sex was the cherry on top.
Honestly, out of all people I’m glad that she was my first everything (girlfriend, kiss, sex). We’ll still be the best of friends after we get past the awkwardness.
If something bothers you about the person that makes you break up with them, don’t get back together in the hopes it will change/go away cause that reason will still be there and will rear its ugly head again and again.
Don’t get involved with people who are still trying to fix their ex, or fighting with their ex, or buying elaborate gifts for their ex behind your back.
Actions speak louder than words. If they do one thing and say another, ignore what they said and judge by what they did.
Don’t get involved with someone who has cheated on their previous ex for months and uses an excuse for their unfaithfulness.
Question red flags, don’t ignore them and let them eat you up. Communication works here.
Don’t assume anything.
No, s/he wasn’t the one. Just like the previous relationship before them wasn’t the one either.
If you fight a lot, don’t force the relationship because it has good times, too. The good doesn’t outweigh the bad. A GOOD relationship will have next to zero fights and if there are fights, they are handled in a communicative and mature way.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. If someone makes it clear that their idea of themselves is as an alcoholic loser then believe them. They know themselves better than you. You don’t have some magic quality that can find the Very Good Person deep down inside of them and make them into a functioning person just because you’d really like them to be one.
Everyone knows someone who knows someone who got through their significant others tough exterior or “fixed” their addiction or anger issues or whatever. And its so tempting to think that you too can shower the person you like with good intentions dust and suddenly their real, good-person character will come shining through, like a glimmer of gold breaking through the crusty outer shell of a dried up turd. But usually its just more turd under that turd shell, so don’t pick it up.