1/30. One time my friend was logged into Facebook so I added a fluffy mustache to his profile picture and joined a group and left it, so his friends saw a notification that said, “Bob has left the group I have never made love to a goat.”
2/30. Friend of mine left her phone laying around. Her fb status was, “How to remove brown stains from white underwear,” followed by next post “Omg, how do I delete comments, that was supposed to be in Google.”
Her sister is a criminal mastermind.
3/30. A coworker used a shared computer at work and found another coworker still logged into facebook. These people didn’t like each other, so coworker #1 individually deleted all 800 friends from the other’s facebook and clocked out after a day’s work.
4/30. A guy I used to live with forgot to log out of my computer after he snuck into my room to use it. He was looking up his criminal record and this is how I found out he had several warrants out for his arrest. The warrants were for theft, so all the money I thought I had misplaced started to make sense. Eventually I called his warrants in after he tried to frame another roommate. He eventually got what he deserved and I got a PS3 out of it.
5/30. I got a loaner phone from Best Buy while mine was being repaired. Text messages, contacts, photos, email and Facebook still logged in, from the past thirty days for the previous user. Some of the texts were dirty ones as well. I decided to be nice and simply informed Best Buy that someone wasn’t following security protocol. They face gave me a $50 gift card for noticing.
6/30. My boyfriend’s Facebook account. He cheated on me. With his step-sister.
7/30. My friend left his email open. We wrote his gf, who was out of town for a month: “Your cat is dead. I hit it with the car when I was drunk. I’m so sorry. We’ll talk when you get home.” She called him crying. He was just confused at first but they eventually figured out what had happened. He came over to my place, pissed off, but he got over it and agreed it was funny.
8/30. I once walked up to an ATM once and it was blinking, “Would you like to make another transaction?” I pressed No and it spit the card out. I read the card and yelled down the corridor, “Hey Bob Smith,” and a guy just about to get on the escalator turns around all confused until I hold his card up and he comes sprinting toward me. He was very grateful.
9/30. I used to go around to the computers in the library to see who left their neopets accounts logged in and then trade all of their neopoints and items to my account for a pile of sludge.
10/30. I announced my sister’s next baby scan and invited 300 people to a baby shower. There was no baby. About 50 people accepted and she had a ridiculous amount of messages saying, “Congrats!” or whatever. I wasn’t even that subtle.
11/30. When I was like 10 years old, I used to play Zoo Tycoon.
I remember one day I went downstairs to pee and I came back to find all my cages full of lions and tigers ripping apart other animals, elephants outside of their cages killing visitors and people inside cages getting eaten by wolves.
Oh yeah, and my brother giggling in the corner.
12/30. When I’m back home I just never log off of Facebook. This inevitably leads to my status being, “is a walrus.” Every. Time.
13/30. I try to make it my mission that I don’t do obvious frapes or twapes and instead, just do realistic ones that make the person sound weird and socially awkward. for example:
“Third time this month I’ve got athletes foot. It’s not that its painful but it just smells pretty bad.” Realistic, but just what weirdo would post it as a status.
14/30. I have a reverse story. I once went to go do something real quick, leaving my laptop unattended with tabs open.
I promptly got distracted and forgot all about it, so when my roommate asked to use my laptop to check her tumblr, I said sure, despite being still logged into (among other things) a forum/story archive dedicated to S&M erotica.
15/30. The best thing to do when you come across someone’s facebook logged in, is to “poke” random people with their account. You can’t track it. The person has no idea. And it’s super awkward for the recipient.
16/30. When my little brother was a sophomore in high school, I had to use his computer while mine was being repaired. He didn’t bother to log off of AIM, and he got an IM from his girlfriend saying, “My parents are gone tonight… you should come over later.”
I replied with, “Nah, can’t tonight… South Park is on.”
Her: “Um, are you joking? We almost never get to be alone.”
Me: “Yeah, I’m good. It’s a new episode, can’t really miss it. Plus there’s Ben & Jerry’s in the freezer and if I leave, my brothers will eat the rest.”
Then I logged off and ate the rest of the ice cream.
17/30. My boyfriend loves to mess with my stuff when I forget to log out. I finally got him back a few months ago and changed his Facebook status to, “I think I developed feelings for that dolphin.” I won’t log onto my facebook on his computer anymore, I fear the rebuttal.
18/30. My friend’s boyfriend (whom I hate) left his netflix account logged in on my computer.
Enjoy the Twilight trilogy, Brad!
19/30. My most liked Facebook status is from an anonymous stranger in the library reminding me to logout of public computers.
20/30. My girlfriend forgot to log out of her e-mail, so I couldn’t resist reading them. I found out she really loves me and speaks well of me behind my back.
A tiny part of me was disappointed.
21/30. Once upon a PAX, Mike Fahey of Kotaku borrowed my laptop to liveblog a panel, as he couldn’t maintain a consistent Wifi connection on his. After I realized I was still logged into the Gawker Admin tool, I spent the next week reading all their drafts and unpublished articles, including the ones they used to pass notes between each other. Fascinating to read.
Unfortunately, I never got around to “Ghostwriting” an article before the login timed out; still regret it. Probably for the best, though.
22/30. I once left MSN on my laptop in my room and went to have dinner. I come back up half an hour later and find my dad on the laptop. He’s chatting up some chick from school, pretending to be me. I went on to date that chick for 8 months.
23/30. A crush’s Twitter account… I learned what she liked and used it to get her to like me. We then dated for 2 years.
24/30. A friend in class hadn’t logged out and had gone for lunch already. When I noticed this I checked if he was logged on facebook so I could get him. Instead I noticed he was still logged on paypal and I deposited all the money he had there to his bankaccount just to mess with him.
He did get a little shock next time he logged onto paypal and noticed all the money was gone, til he checked transaction history.
25/30. Apple stores are good for this. Just work your way down the line of computers/iPads and you’re sure to find at least one still logged in to Facebook.
I once posted, “I can no longer listen to Lady Gaga since I invited Jesus into my life” on a girl’s account.
26/30. I once went to pick up my girlfriend late at night from some party. She was pretty drunk so I brought her to to her dorm and went up with her to make sure she was alright. She just passed out pretty quickly.
I wanted to wait until her roommate got home, and so started playing around on her laptop. I noticed her Facebook was still logged in, and a conversation with her “best friend” Ben was open. I dug deeper and found a conversation about how she had cheated on me with him, complete with Photobooth pictures, and I pretty much stopped investigating at that point.
I left her dorm and broke up with her the next week when she never confessed her mistake to me. She was pretty surprised I knew.
27/30. One time a friend went onto my Tickld account without me knowing. He posted one comment and it got over 200 upvotes. Guy must be a karma wizard or something. I never log out of my account now, just in case another comment fairy comes along to boost my karma.
28/30. The inverse of this happened to me. A few years ago, when Facebook was just starting to get big, I had made an account then completely forgotten it existed. My roommate at the time figured out the password and trolled the heck out of the account. I didn’t find out about it until I went back to try Facebook again a year and a half later and the account had hundreds of friends from high school and college who all thought that Master P and Insane Clown Posse were my favorite bands.
29/30. I used my step-father’s computer to log in to Facebook and saw that he was still logged in. Since I’ve never liked him, I did some snooping. Found out he was cheating on my mom.
30/30. My little sisters used to get on my IM and message people randomly when I wasn’t there. The funny thing is, no one ever told me. I only discovered them after I went to look at my chat history once.