1. Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist:
While you guys were arguing about whether the glass of water was half full or half empty, I drank it.
2. A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf, that was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me.
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” (continued…)
The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo’s temple and says, “Ask him again!”
The lawyer signs to Enzo, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.” Enzo signs back, “OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno’s backyard in Woodbridge !”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, ” He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.
3. First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them.
“In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.” For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and sucked his finger. “Go ahead and do the same thing,” he told his students. (continued…)
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,
“The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.
4. A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet.
The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball.” (continued…)
Man – “That’s nice.”
Boy – “Want to buy it?”
Man – “No, thanks.”
Boy – “My dad’s outside.”
Man – “OK, how much?”
Boy – “$250”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy – “Dark in here.”
Man – “Yes, it is.”
Boy – “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy – “$750”
Man – “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” (continued…)
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy – “$1,000”
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church, where the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, Oh no, not you again!
5. A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch
“HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?” he shouted.
A majestic voice boomed through the gorge: “I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me.”
“Yes, yes, I trust you!” cried the man.
“Let go of the branch,” boomed the voice.
There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, “IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE I COULD TALK TO?”
6. A man is getting into the shower with his wife when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbor. Before she can say a word, Bob blurts out, “Ill give you $800 to drop that towel.”
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. (continued…)
After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, “Who was that?”
“It was Bob from next door,” she replies. “Great!” the husband says, “Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?”
7. A pastor, a doctor, and a politician were waiting one morning on the golf course for a particularly slow group of golfers ahead of them.
Politician: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such ineptitude!
Pastor: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let’s have a word with him. Hi George. Say, what’s with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they? (continued…)
George: Oh, yes, that’s a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Pastor: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there’s anything he can do for them.
Politician: I don’t get it. Why can’t these jerks play at night?
8. The Mayor of a small town in rural Wisconsin had a problem. The old draw bridge, which was the only way out of town, was in a state of disrepair and needed to be rebuilt.
So he called in three contractors to bid on the job: one from Cincinnati, one from New York, and one from Washington, D.C.
The Mayor met with the Cincinnati contractor first, and asked him: “How much to build the bridge?” (continued…)
“$3 million,” said the man from Cincinnati. “$1.5 for the supplies. $1.5 million for the labor.”
Next, the Mayor met with the New York contractor, and asked him: “How much to build the bridge?”
“$6 million,” said the New Yorker. “$3 for the supplies. $3 million for the labor.”
Finally, the Mayor brought in the contractor from Washington D.C., and asked him: “How much to build the bridge?”
“$9 million,” said the man from Washington.
“$9 million,” the Mayor repeated, aghast. “That’s three times more expensive than the lowest bid. How do you break that down?”
“Easy,” said the Washingtonian. “$3 million for you. $3 million for me. And $3 million to hire the guy from Cincinnati.”
9. An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class the other day. In English, he said, a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.
A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
-Sai Kishore K
10. A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long the dog discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, “Ok no! I’m in deep doodoo now!” (continued…)
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, “Wow, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew”, says the leopard. “That was close. That dog nearly had me.”
-Saad Aslam Khan
11. An American businessman was at the pier of a coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna.
The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The Mexican replied, that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish. The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.
The American then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”
The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life, seor.” (continued…)
The American scoffed. “You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats.
“Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.”
The Mexican fisherman asked, “But seor, how long will this all take?”
To which the American replied, “Fifteen or twenty years.”
“But what then, seor?” (continued…)
The American laughed and said, “That’s the best part. When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.”
“Millions, seor? Then what?”
The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”
12. After years of pouring his heart out to his therapist, and spending a big chunk of his income on these sessions, a man finally decides to ask a question about a puzzling aspect of his therapists method.
“Doctor,” says the patient, “I’ve been coming to lie on your couch once a week for 20 years, sharing with you the most painful details of my childhood, cataloging my every insecurity, delving deep into all my regrets and bad habits, weeping at the limitations to my personal growth. And all the while youve sat there, motionless, listening, observing, but never once asking a question or offering advice. Why? Why the silence?
After a long pause, the therapist says, No hablo Ingls.
13. Is it just me, or are there fewer minimalists every year?
14. A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, Ill give each of you just one wish Me first! Me first! says the administration clerk. I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world. Poof! Shes gone. Me next! Me next! says the sales rep. I want to be in Hawaii,relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life. Poof! Hes gone.
OK, youre up, the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, I want those two back in the office after lunch.
15. 2 Wise Guys (mobsters) decide to go hunting. When these two are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?”
16. An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation:
“I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I wont be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden because your mother always loved planting time. Im just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you werent in prison.”
Shortly, the old man received a telegram. (continued…)
For Heavens sake, Dad, dont dig up the garden!! Thats where I buried the GUNS!!
At 4 a.m. the next morning, a dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what had happened, and asked him what to do next.
His sons reply was: Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. Its the best I could do for you, from here.
17. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
18. Two friends are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then replies: Yeah, well we were married for 35 years.
19. Two planets meet.
The first one asks: “How are you?”
“Not so well”, the second answered “I’ve got the Homo Sapiens.”
“Don’t worry,” the other replied, “I had the same. That won’t last long.”
20. A Christian, a Muslim, and an engineer are sentenced to die at the guillotine.
The Christian goes first but when the executioner pulls the lever to release the blade, the blade suddenly stops halfway down the track with a loud “boing.” “Praise the Lord,” the Christian exults, “who in his divine grace has saved me!”
The executioner, impressed, tells him he is free to leave. Next up, the Muslim puts his head in the machine and the executioner pulls the lever. Again, the blade stops abruptly halfway down. “There is no god but Allah,” the Muslim cries, “who in his infinite mercy has saved me!” The executioner sets him free, too.
Meanwhile, the engineer has been peering attentively up at the guillotine. “I think I see your problem,” he says.
21. A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said,Father, remember Psalm 129?
The priest removed his hand. But,changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, Father, remember Psalm 129? The priest apologized Sorry sister but the flesh is weak. Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
22. A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came up -fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman… and so forth.
However, little Peter was being uncharacteristically quiet, so the teacher prodded him about his father.
He replied, “My father’s an exotic dancer in a cabaret. He takes off all his clothes and people put money in his purse. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with people and stay with them all night for money.”
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Peter aside.
“Is that really true about your father?” the teacher asked.
“No,” the boy said, “He’s a Congressman. But that’s way too embarrassing to admit in public.”
23. Lawyer:To prove that my client was home alone, I would like to present my client’s internet search history from that evening.
Client: I’d rather just confess to the murder.
24. A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircrafts electronic navigation and communications equipment.
Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopters position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopters window. The pilots sign said WHERE AM I? in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER. (continued…)
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER sign helped determine their position in Seatle.
The pilot responded I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer.
25. The Dalai Lama walks into a Pizza shop and asks: “Can you make me One with Everything?“
After the Dalai Lama gives the cashier his money, the cashier, also a Tibetan monk, Does Nothing.
The Dalai Lama waits a moment, then says: “Hey, how about my change?”
With a wise smile the cashier replies: “Change must come from within.”
26. A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared. After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, “No, he didn’t. He just walked in the door.”
27. An Indian Chief was asked by a U.S. government official: You have observed the white man for 90 years. Youve seen his wars and his technological advances. Youve seen his progress and the damage hes done.
The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, Considering all these events, in your opinion where did the white man go wrong?
The Chief stared at the government official and then replied, When they came here, there was no tax, no debt, plenty of food, clean water. Women did all the work, medicine was free. We spent all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.
Then the Chief leaned back and smiled, Only the white man was dumb enough to think he could improve a system like that.
These jokes are (relatively) clean, and pretty darn funny. And hey – they kinda make a serious point too!
This piece is based on a Quora Question. Link on the last page.