This article is based on the AskReddit question “Fathers who found out their child is not theirs, what happened afterwards?”
[Source can be found at the end of the article]
I was accused of being an 11 year olds father. The mother encouraged me to meet her. She looked like me, so I figured she was mine. I got to know her, and she was adorable. The mother was encouraging me to sign a paper before the results came back, and as much as I was convinced she was mine, I wasn’t going to sign my life away on a hunch. Test came back negative. I stopped being invited around.
In retrospect I think the plan was to get me to want to sign the paper.
His mother left us when he was 1. I went to a lawyer when he was 2 asking about the process of getting custody. This was early 2000’s, in Mississippi, and at the time (not sure if it’s changed), unless his mother formally established residence in another state, she was still fully in her rights to come back and take him whenever she wanted.
Lawyer advised, since it looked like it was going to be contested at the time, me to get a DNA test because the family judge I probably would be going in front of had recently had one of his cases overturned due to a conflicting paternity test. Apparently from that point on, he was requiring them as a matter of course.
Came back negative. Got another one. Negative as well.
Waited a few months, called the lawyer back. First question out of his mouth was about the results. I told him I was my son’s father. He said that’s fine, but what did the paternity test say. I told him the truth. He paused for a second, asked me if I was sure about what I wanted. I didn’t even take time to think before blurting out yes.
That was 13 years ago.
I’ve known my youngest daughter is not mine genetically, I knew my (now ex wife) had cheated on me. My youngest daughter has no contact with her mother or her real father. But She considers me her dad, and I consider her to be “my” daughter.
I am taking the proper measures to adopt her this year for her birthday. she’ll be 15. It’s been a tough road, with her mom, I do not understand why she dislikes her daughter, they just do not get along. I’m just happy to have her in my life.
He lives with his mom now. I see him sometimes. I was living as a single dad with full custody. I had him till he was 8. I always suspected. From pregnancy to the moment I held him at birth. I knew. But I was 18. She was 16. I tried to do the right thing. It kind of slowly destroyed me inside over years until I got a test done. I guess it finalised my feelings. I love him. But he isn’t mine. He should be with his mom. He has a step dad and two brothers there. He still calls me dad and he knows. But I have no rights I am not legally a parent. I see him when my mom takes him for visits sometimes. I don’t want him to think I abandoned him. But I couldn’t continue a life based on a lie. A falsity that I would never have agreed to. People tend to scream how blood doesn’t matter. It’s not about that. Maybe I can’t explain it, even to myself. But this path feels like the right thing to do. I have to believe my choices are right. And that in the special time I did have with that boy that I impacted his life for the better.
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I got divorced. I lost my house to my ex-wife and lost my car to my ex-wife. The court also ordered me to pay three years of alimony (50% of my salary), and ordered me to pay child support (33% of my salary) even though the kids aren’t mine.
I left the country and live and work overseas now. She took my house and car, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to pay alimony to her and child support for kids that aren’t even mine.
Happened to me. Was with this girl for awhile… then deployed. She tells me a few months down the road that she is 3 months pregnant. I come back and I have a daughter waiting. Later I ETS (get out of the Army), and start a different career. Then I found out my girl was cheating, I got paranoid and took a test with my daughter”.
Yeah, she wasn’t mine. I was in a messed up place for awhile and fell into a bottle.
Yeah, I lost my girl and my “daughter” but I’m in a better place now.
Ex wife got mixed up with drugs, had an affair and a baby. We got divorced and she ended up on the streets with her newborn daughter. CPS took the child away and she’s been with me for almost 2 years now. Adoption should be final next month. The situation sucks but it’s not the child’s fault and she shouldn’t have to suffer.
This one actually pertains to me and my life. Got with a girl when she was young. Had sex a couple of times and we’re together for about a month and a half then broke up. 9 months later I get a call that a baby was born and she was mine. I met this tiny angel when she was 6 days old. Mom and me decided we would try to make it work together and she moved on with me and my parents. We get along great and everything is going well. Fast forward six months and this angel is starting to have features that are features a Black and white child should have and not not a Mexican and white child. She finally tells me one morning that she has a confession. She had slept with a guy the weekend after we had broken up and legitimately did not know who the child belonged to. She figured that since we had been together more in the bed that the chances of the little girl being mine were greater.
I was pissed. We went and got a DNA test done and low and behold found out that she did not belong to me. We instantly broke up and she moved back in with her parents. Well during this time, my parents did not care and kept on babysitting the little one anytime they were able to. Six months later, after seeing little one every now and again I decided to call mom and see if she wanted to maybe try again. I ended up adopting her and now she is all mine. Mom and I have been happily married for 12 years now and have two more that I am certain are mine. Couldn’t imagine my life any other way.
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I married a lovely woman in 2002 and we had a daughter, 10 years on the wife died of lung cancer. Then a guy turns up at my door step claiming my daughter, was in fact his. After arguments and whatnot we decide to end all of this with a simple paternity test, she wasn’t mine. I took it through the courts to keep my daughter and eventually won. Even though she’s not my blood. I raised her and gave her everything she ever wanted. She is well aware that I’m not her real dad, but I’m the only one she’s ever known.
I have 2 daughters 10 and 6, and I’m kind of sure the younger is not mine (though I doubt I will ever get a test, what good could come of that?).
Mom’s out of the picture, and the state (last I heard) for a few years now.
But the younger one is my cuddler, while my older daughter has been a teenage angst monster since age 6. I am 99.9999% sure the older one is biologically mine.
I thought long and hard about getting a test for both of them, but seeing as it wouldn’t really change the situation, what would be the point.
Took the test on a hunch, came back negative. I cried, my family cried. I talked to the mom. I didn’t legally adopt her, but I pretty much adopted her in the fact that she’s mine to me and I’ve been around for almost 2 years now. I’m not financially supporting her but I do buy things for her, take her out, etc. she sees my family and we all love her. She’s my little Mama’s and I can’t imagine being without her. I do have a girlfriend and I make it work. Why? Because I don’t want to ever regret forcing myself to not love her, because I do.
So I’m going through this right now. My daughter is 2 and about a year ago I found out she wasn’t mine. I didn’t care I love that little girl to death. My ex became so cold to me and my family, she had been my best friend since we were 10, that my mom convinced me to walk away from both of them because she knew one day my ex would try to take my daughter away. I lasted about 24 hours before I couldn’t take my ex begging me to be her dad and promising me it would never change. I couldn’t handle the thought of losing my little one when there was no reason to. Here we are a year later and my ex is pretty serious about a new guy and doesn’t want me in the picture, “because no child should have to deal with divorced parents” is what she tells me. She’s lied and used me countless times in the last year. Now our divorce hearing is finally coming up and she’s made it very apparent a DNA test will be the first thing she has done. Can’t go a day without thinking how I might lose the best thing to ever happen to me.
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I raised a child for two years thinking she was mine. I didn’t want kids before she was born but I loved every minute of being with that little girl. The mom and I split up and I ended up moving about 2 hours away but drove back every weekend to be with my daughter. I was also paying $200 a week in child support. Then one Monday after I got home from visiting her I was served court documents stating that the mother didn’t think I was the father. We did a paternity test and she was right, I was not the father. I had the option to continue to be in her life but I couldn’t deal with it emotionally. The court continued to make me pay child support while she tried to find out who the father was. After the third guy she tested came back negative the judge decided I didn’t have to pay child support anymore but could not get any of that money back. $20,000 I’ll never see again. I fell into a really dark place personally and professionally. It’s been about a year and a half since this happened and I’m still not over it. I have a lot of trust issues with people that I didn’t have before. I also regret leaving, every day. I miss that little girl a lot.
Back when my wife was young and dating. We had our ups and downs. We separated for awhile but came back. Well during that separation period she hooked up with a guy that is like a family friend. Due to the time period she found she was pregnant it felt like it was mine. My dad was pissed off that I knocked up a girl. Well 9 months later and so my son was born. I knew he wasn’t mine because of his chin. But everyone tried to convince me. Even my parents thought he looked like mine.
I loved her and married her. I couldn’t see a kid be born without a father so I claimed he was mine and cared less. As he age it started becoming more apparent that he wasn’t mine but I didn’t care. But somehow my wife did. And thought it would turn me away. It was eating her alive with those crazy ideas. So I told her once he was 3 that I just don’t care if he isn’t mine what is the point if he is mine? We made mistakes and pressed on together. 11 years it has been and a total of 4 kids. I don’t regret nothing. While I may wanted to dodge the bullet back then. I am glad I stuck to it.
Girlfriend says she’s pregnant. I let her move in with me. My daughter is born. Because of her past addictions, I don’t sign the birth certificate. Few months go by. Mom leaves daughter with her mom because of postpartum depression”. When actually it was a meth addiction. So I have to fight her parents in court for custody. The state of Kansas is on their side. So they give me 1 day with my daughter. Next month I get 2 days, etc. So I get up to 5 days a week full time in 6 months. After about a year and a half, her parents decide they want child support. So the state does a swab test. And I’m not the father. My world fell apart! About a year goes by and her biological father left the state. Her mother and I stay in touch. And slowly get reintroduced to my daughter.
Now she is 6. She calls me dad. The only thing is the hoops I have to jump through to see her. I have to give mom gas money. I have to buy whatever she needs while with mom. Even though she still lives with grandma. I have to suck up to her or else I’m threatened by not seeing her. I’m not allowed to go to school functions. No PTA. I only get to see her for a part of the weekend. So it’s good and bad. She has a dad and is happy. And that’s all that really matters. But I’m not around enough to do any parenting. I’m just weekend dad trying to make her happy in the short time we get. Now she’s 6, has her own mind and ideas and doesn’t listen and doesn’t take me serious.
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I found out my 3 year old wasn’t mine about a year ago- when she was two. I wound up leaving the mother of the child and, for a time, the child.
After a few weeks of being on my butt and in a horrible place I kind of realized it didn’t matter what the biology said. I stayed broken up with the mother but I took her to court for visitation. Now I have my daughter half the time and I’ve never once regretted it. The most challenging thing has been my families reaction. Several members of my family strongly disagree with my decision which has created friction. But at the end of the day I respected their choices to be involved or not be involved.
It’s hard to explain it to some people and I don’t know how I’ll explain it to my daughter when the time comes- but I know I’ve had a positive influence on her and that I’m a good dad- and more importantly that I want to be a dad. It’s just about the only thing I can truly say I’m good at.
The whole ordeal has made it clear that biology, to me, is overrated. When I look at her it’s true that I don’t see a child that looks like me staring back, but I see myself in her mannerisms and her speech patterns and her budding sense of right and wrong. The parts of me that are in her are so much deeper then her skin… And that’s what matters to me. Watching her step over an ant pile, look up at me and say “We don’t step on ants. They’re friends” or listening to her exclaim “Balls!” when she drops something is a lot more satisfying and important then the color of her eyes could ever be.
And I have faith that when she gets older and I’ve had that conversation with her she’ll see that I’m her dad not because of a function of law or a biological link, but because of the single best choice I’ve ever made.
I broke up with a girl after less than a year, due to her loose morals, a short time later, she calls and says she’s pregnant, and because I had slept with her a few times after the break up, I believed her when she said it was mine. Couldn’t convince her to abort, accepted the fact I was having a kid. Talked with her and her mother about names, and what would happen when it was born, went through all the emotions and feelings of being a father for the first time.
Fast forward to the due date, hadn’t heard from her at all, got a call from a friend to say they saw her at the hospital a few days earlier. Called her, ignored the anger I felt towards being left out of the birth, went to her house, the baby was asleep, sat there for a while, walked out not knowing how I felt about the situation.
Fast forward again, child is 2 years old, bump into her at a store, she asks about child support, I see the kid, striking resemblance to a friend of mine. I say yes I’m happy to pay child support after a DNA test. More fast forwarding, test comes back negative, I remain humble and don’t give her any grief about it, few months later my friend calls and asks where I got the DNA test from.
Surprisingly, we are all friends nowadays, the daughter is 6, the father sees her occasionally, I stop by every now and then with my kids for play dates. Small town….
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I’m 28, student and immature for my age. Last summer after my ex broke up with me I went on a serial tinder dating spree. Lots of casual sex. Few months after this girl who was 31 tells me she’s pregnant. It’s either mine or her ex’s (date of conceiving was 1 week apart). So we didn’t know for sure, but all the hospital people said it was like 80% chance that it was mine. I didn’t want to believe it and the first few months I just denied reality and contact with her. Last few months I matured a bit and accepted reality. Accepted the possible responsibility to be a father. I got in touch with her, connected emotionally with her and the soon to be baby. I was there when the pregnancy happened and I met her parents. When the baby came I was proud and emotional. Week later the DNA results came in, negative. 0% chance that it’s mine. At first I felt empty. The baby I thought looked like me wasn’t mine. The feeling that suddenly I’m just a random guy to the baby.
It’s weird. Mixed with a vague happiness of freedom. I would accept the role as a father if it were mine, but I’m nowhere near ready to be a father. The girl she’s nice. I was never in love with her, but I could really click with her. She was devastated by the news. Her ex was a coke addict. So I was the better candidate to be the father and she hoped for that, loved me. But now I’m not, it’s a forced distance that’s been created. If you want it or not, now you’re just a friend, a random dude. No blood relation. It’s a weird feeling. I still care for her and I’ll go over there to talk and see how she does. But it also isn’t my responsibility anymore and I gotta focus on my own life.
She came back to tell me she was pregnant and the baby was mine. It was shortly after we broke up as young adults, and that she would commit suicide if I made her have an abortion. She wanted to have the child and I didn’t want my prodigy to have a deadbeat father. So I stayed and we got back together. I later found out my daughter wasn’t mine when she was 8 years old. My wife at the time had just confessed another affair at the same time. She also told me at the time that the reason she was so pushy to have a second child was because she wanted so badly to share a child with me, to have a piece of me if we ever broke up(!!!) Needless to say, I was devastated but I knew even though my daughter didn’t have my genes, she had my memes (my cultural upbringing). I had been raising her as mine for so long she was more me than any other man. My wife began to try to convince me that I was a terrible person for even being upset about it. Fast forward to now, she’s been doing everything she can to keep me from seeing my daughter and my legitimate son. I think she just wants me alive for money. She began dating a girl I had gone on a few dates with and who I decided was too similar to my ex wife. I accused her of stealing our sons medication and she started telling people I assaulted her and our son. I have no idea what the future holds at this point. I’m most concerned for the well being of the children. Being apart from her has been really great. I am really hopeful for my future, even if she kind of wrecks part of it for me legally. Anything is better than being stuck another year.
(Unfortunately the story is more messed than this, but I can’t give out more details until I’m done with courts. I figure she is trying to affect my chosen career path and ability to travel.
I have solid relationships that have stayed with me over the years, and I’m able to forge strong new ones now as well. Again, I’m doing well. Yes I have been going to therapy for grief counselling.