Fasten your seatbelts and enjoy a ride through the deepest corners of the airplane…
1. There are special straps in the cockpit.
There’s special straps in the cockpit and the chair moves back from the controller in case you need to tie the pilot up and move him away.
2. Do not ‘lock’ your fingers.
A flight attendant told me that in the event of a situation where passengers have to cover their heads you do not ‘lock’ your fingers over head but place one hand on top of the other. If something falls on your hand/head, you’ll still have one good hand to use.
3. First class costs extra because you get extra.
You don’t get first class for free just because there’s an empty seat up there. If you’re in the last row of the aircraft don’t complain. The last rows are saved for people who booked through third company discount websites. You get the worst seats because you paid the least amount. No amount of complaining will make us move you.
4. Yes, on trans-oceanic flights there is a cabin for crew to get some sleep.
No, you won’t be invited in for fun times. On some newer planes there’s also a hold for people who have died on the flight. No, you won’t be invited in for fun times either.
5. If you piss off the cabin crew they will fart on you.
The pressure on aircraft makes you naturally gassy and it’s easy to puff one off in the face of an annoying git while bending down to speak to someone on the opposite side of the aisle.
6. Keep your shoes on. Keep. Your. Shoes. On.
The floor is so filthy it’s ridiculous. And that isn’t water you are feeling.
Also if you ask to be upgraded to a better seat in economy, we will have you pay.
7. If I tell the pilot “I don’t feel safe with passenger in seat 35A” you can and most likely will be removed from the plane.
So think twice before acting like a complete and utter idiot on the plane. Standard idiot behavior is usually tolerated 😉
8. Tray tables…
Tray tables are rarely if ever sanitized DO NOT put food directly on them.
9. If a meal is on offer, pass.
It was likely not prepared that day. Instead, go with the Kosher option, it was probably prepared that day.
10. Don’t leave your stuff.
It was fairly common for people to leave phones, tablets, wallets etc in seat pockets which we would then find during security checks on turnaround. We can’t take them back to the base airport due to security so they get handed over to a dispatcher with paperwork. We’ve just got to hope the dispatcher doesn’t pocket them.
11. We know if you are having sex in the bathroom.
We can also open the doors, easily, from the outside. So please keep your hands to yourself.
12. Your plane is probably broken in some place.
Whether that be in the cabin or the aircraft itself. Obviously if it’s not safe, the aircraft wont take off. But small things are often broken.
13. Flight attendant shade.
If we say ‘There we are then’ or ‘See you next time’, we might well be meaning to insult you.
14. There are sometimes body parts in the storage area near your luggage.
This happens when they are flying transplants for hospitals. Also your pets are in the same area as well.
15. Since the altitude of the plane thins your blood alcohol will hit you harder.
We were told one in the air for two on the ground. Also, it is illegal to be intoxicated on a plane and it is illegal for us to get you drunk. So if we cut you off don’t argue we may serve you later if you’re nice.
16. In case of emergency, know where your seat is.
Count how many rows you are away from an exit as you might not be able to see them in an emergency, ie smoke.
17. A surprising amount of the delays that happen are due to passengers.
Yep, passengers. That one guy who throws a fit because he can’t take four ounces of liquid through TSA and decided the gate agent was a great target to take out their wrath on caused your delay. So did that family that decided it was a great idea to bring three strollers and two car seats for their single child. And that last delay you had that the agent told you was due to maintenance? Was probably thanks to some guy trying to hijack the smoke alarm in the plane.
18. The cargo hold often carries more than just your bags.
Mail, light cargo, and dead people are often flying with you.
19. An airplane can fly with one engine.
If an engine catches on fire, they have the means of extinguishing it while in air.
20. We can’t strike without congressional approval.
That isn’t ever going to happen, leading to a stall in our quality of life.
21. PICK UP YOUR TRASH WHEN YOU LEAVE THE PLANE.
Flight attendants pass by multiple times for trash. you are not sticking it to the man by dropping it under you or in the pocket in front of you. You are part of the reason cleaning between flights takes so long and delays happen and air fares go up.
22. I wouldn’t recommend drinking coffee or hot tea from the plane.
It’s made with the potable water and those tanks are rarely cleaned out. None of the crew usually drink it. I had a passenger on one of my flights fill his water bottle up using the sink in the lavatory and I stressed to him that it wasn’t a good idea but he didn’t care…
23. Your laptop doesn’t go in the seat back pocket.
Don’t fight us on this. If we crash that laptop will fly out and knock you unconscious and if you think for one hot minute I’m going to drag your ass out over that of someone who listened to me during the safety briefing you’re seriously mistaken.
24. I’m a flight attendant…. So many incidents occur on the plane that every day passengers don’t see or consider.
My last flight an elderly man accidentally pooped on the floor, stepped in it, and walked on like it was nothing. DO NOT WALK AROUND BAREFOOT. Pee and poop happens, all over. I feel like I witness an “accident” regularly; in their seat or in the bathroom. People get nose bleeds, or their wounds open. Obviously when we land, it is thoroughly cleaned. But inflight our resources are limited. DON’T CHANGE YOUR BABY’S DIAPER ON THE TRAY TABLE. This also happens all the time. It’s unsanitary and people use the tray table to eat, put their personal things on, etc.
25. You never really know how anyone will react in any kind of emergency.
Firemen and police are tested on a weekly basis, but in the five years i was crew, there was nothing I personally experienced that put any of the proper training into use, and I’d like to think I’d not not freeze or fall to pieces, but you just never know.
26. If you have to poo, lay toilet paper in the toilet first.
It won’t smear 😉
27. We send full bodies on planes a lot.
Some in caskets some not. Twice in the 7 years I’ve been doing this has “fluid” leaked out of the boxes the bodies are in and got all over the luggage.
28. We have fire axes and extremely heavy emergency equipment on board.
We are to stop you entering the cockpit by ‘any means necessary’
29. Get your oxygen mask on pronto.
In the event of a decompression you only have a few seconds before your brain starts being starved of oxygen.
30. Do not inflate life jackets inside if the plane ditches in water.
If the cabin starts to fill with water you’ll be unable to swim down to the exit.
31. If the curtains are pulled, don’t bother us.
I crewed 737s and 757 aircrafts, short to midhaul, economy only. We took our breaks (when we could) in the tiny little galleys at the front and back of the aircraft. If you see those curtains pulled then please don’t bother us unless it’s actually an emergency. (Another beer IS NOT an emergency)