You meet someone nice. You go back to their place. You get into their room. What could go wrong? Plenty. PLENTY.
This piece is based on an AskReddit thread. Link on the last page.
40. What happens in Vegas is legally binding everywhere.
Spooning after first date wild sex, he hugs me like a vice and says he’s going to take me to Vegas tomorrow and we’ll get married.
He was dead serious.
I was a puff of smoke.
We had sex after the third date. Things were going well and then as we’re lying there she says, “now that we’re in a relationship I need to be the one in charge. That means no porn and I need to access your Facebook account and email so that I know you aren’t cheating on me.”
38. You’re not a bird feeder.
In high school, freshman year. I dated this girl for about a month. When we had sex for the first time, she rips off the condom, says she want me to drop my seed inside her cause she wants to start a family.
Pulled my pants up and left immediately. Year later she has a kid, with her new boyfriend.
37. Paper trail.
Went down with my fingers and felt something squishy… Too squishy…. Turns out it was a soaking wad of toilet paper that got left behind.
36. Playing footsies.
She took off her shoes and the smell could have killed a horse. Nearly killed me. Smelled like a corpse in a garbage shoot. The mood was killed, I was nearly killed, and I left both disgusted and concerned. Too bad; she was really cool.
35. Eating Crowe.
Met a young Russell Crowe lookalike out one night, he was super hot and muscly and Scottish. We drink, we dance, it’s all going well so we grab a cab to his place. On the way he just loses his mind. He’s racist towards our cab driver, forces him through a drive through and tried to make me pay.
Then he starts going on about how he can never pick up women cos ‘he has a small penis. When we pull up to his house he immediately jumps out and pees all over the path to the front door. I took my chance and wildly yelled at the cabbie ‘drive!’
34. He likes to watch.
She had a wall-sized mural of Hitler painted on her bedroom wall.
During the middle of sex, he said he does not like to give women orgasms because then they become emotional and clingy. So I got up, got dressed and left without giving him one either.
32. Watcher in the hall.
Met a girl at a club and went back to her house. Everything is going fine, nothing out of the ordinary, until her house mate comes home. I was like, “maybe we should stop, or at least close the door?”
She replies with “oh no, it’s ok. He likes to listen and sometimes he watches from the hallway. She wasn’t joking either. I put my clothes back on and walked out, and there he was pleasuring himself in the hallway.
31. Tarp is never a good sign.
Got to his place, walked into his room and saw that it was completely bare except for a couple of lights and a tarp spread across the floor.
Immediately turned around and walked out the door, got in my car and left.
Dunno what the tarp was for. He was either going to murder me or wanted me to pee on him. Either way, nope. Nope nope nope.
30. Pins and needles.
Had a great first date with this one. A blast! Went back to her place. Started to do it doggy. She reaches over to her nightstand and pulls out a roll up pouch. Unrolls it and pulls out a syringe. Asks me if I ever tried heroin. I broke the hell out so quick I don’t even remember getting dressed.
29. Sudden feels.
She started rubbing my chest in the exact same way my ex used to, and I realized I was still super in love with her and started to cry.
I actually made her run away from sex.
28. Wiper, no wiping.
Wanted it from behind. Smells like she didn’t wipe in some time. Gagged. Went home and reconsidered my whole life.
27. Meth and taxes.
Her come on line was “I know a guy who will give us all the meth we can smoke if we do it in front of him.”
26. Call of the wild.
We were having sex when all of a sudden I start getting non-stop phone calls. I finally look at my phone to see if something is actually wrong. She looks at my phone when I pick it up and tells me not to answer; she has something to tell me.
It was her husbands number. She didn’t tell me she was married and her husband looked up who she had been texting and knew she was gone that night.
25. STDeep trouble.
Asked her if she was clean and she said: Yeah, it’s a long story, but a lot of stuff happened and it turns out that now I can’t get STDs.
I thought to myself, You know what, nah. I don’t want to have sex that bad. I left.
Went to my buddys girlfriends place with him and ended up fooling around his GF’s twin sister. She smelled horrible, though I was too drunk to tell until afterwards. I passed on sex and we ended up leaving very soon after.
Apparently my fingers reeked so bad that the guys were gagging in the car on the ride home. They made me hold my hand out the window the entire ride home. In the middle of winter.
23. Put a condom on your pancreas.
I’m a type 1 diabetic and my nickname where I’m from is ‘Diabetes’ so everyone knows I have it.
I met this girl at a house party one of my friends was throwing. As the night goes on and drinks get consumed, we get all love drunk and go to bang it out. About halfway through our session, she randomly kicks me off and pushes me away: “stop, stop I can’t do this.” She looks straight at me and seriously says to me, “I just… I can’t catch diabetes. It’s like cancer, I just can’t catch it.”
By the time she said “cancer” I had my pants back on and was running down the stairs.
22. My bed is my bedside.
Super into this guy. After a few dates we’re at his place.
We’re taking clothes off and he leaves the room to go to the washroom. I’m in bed waiting for him to return when I feel feel something weird in the bed.
It’s a hotdog in a bun, clearly a few days old, maybe older. With the fixings.
He comes in, sees it and my horrified face. Says he’s so sorry, he’ll get rid of it and proceeds to eat it.
21. Making the cut.
Went to this punk girl’s place for a booty call. She said she wanted to take a bath together and I was all for it. She goes to run water while I finish my drink. We’re getting into it and head to the bathroom. We strip down and I get in the bathtub and sit down.
Then I looked up at her and she was pulling razor blades out of a cabinet. She wanted to cut me and have me cut her. NOPE. I’ve never gone from soaking wet to fully clothed and walking down a sidewalk so quickly in my life. I ghosted that girl and have no regrets.
20. Smell familiar?
Girl in college asked me if I could pick up a specific cologne for our date. As it wasn’t too expensive and I didn’t currently have one I agreed. The reason why was more disgusting than I could have imagined.
Fast forward to the end of the date, she comes to take my shirt off and says “mmm you smell like my dad.”
I was out of there real quick.
19. All in the family.
Her brother came into the room and sat down to play Xbox. He told me it was OK to keep going.
18. When you know… you know.
He was cute – pretty even. We made out, and it was nice I guess. Moved to the couch, where I hoped we would cuddle and watch Harry Potter or something, I don’t know.
Instead, he took off his pants. And there it was.
I stared, agape.
“Come on,” he said. “It won’t bite.”
And then it all became clear to me.
Im a lesbian.
Told him I felt too drunk or something (lie) and pretended to fall asleep. Then I snuck out in the middle of the night.
17. Too soon!
She got naked, literally fully naked, two minutes into the date. While she was driving! I was terrified enough of the erratic driving and extremely erratic behavior. Then I noticed that she had duct tape (not masking tape or anything else, DUCT TAPE) on her nipples. I just couldn’t keep going along after that.
16. Research is key.
It didn’t make it to sexual encounter, but I was in a bar and this girl was coming on STRONG. She’d had a few drinks, and was clearly interested. She went to the bathroom, and I decided to make quick use of my Facebook stalking skills. What do I see? Junior Prom pics from last year. This chick is “Local High School, Class of 2017.”
15. Woman’s best friend.
The dog jumped on the bed and started licking the girl’s privates and she didn’t push the dog away.
14. Puppy love.
It wasn’t nearly as bad as most of these, but my puppy walked over, flopped down next to my foot, sighed and laid her head down on my toes. It was so damn cute that it made sex super weird. I had to stop immediately.
13. The gatekeeper.
Went to her house, out comes this older guy (he was like 50 and we were early 20s) and he says: “If you want to have sex with her you’ll have to do me first.”
12. The in-laws of attraction.
I had a one night stand the night before my brother’s wedding and found out mid-thrust that the woman was my soon-to-be sister-in-law’s married sister. As I gave my best man speech the next night all I could do was look at that poor guy sitting there with a big smile on his face laughing at all my jokes.
About a year later they got divorced because she wound up cheating with the guy who cleaned their pool and gave her husband chlamydia. I thanked the good lord for creating condoms and Darwin for giving me the good sense to use one.
11. Room mating.
We had a party at my house (with roommates). I passed out sitting on the couch. I woke up with and my roommate’s wife, in only her pink bathrobe, was rubbing me through my pants while her husband was lustfully watching.
I jumped up, spilled my beer all over myself, and went to bed.
I moved out a few months later. We never spoke of it.
10. Video killed the make out star.
This chick who I kinda had a thing for for a long time started making out with me at a party. But she was biting my lip and face really hard. Then she told me she wanted me to bang her while showing me videos of her boyfriend.
9. Show and tell.
It was after a hook-up. I wanted to leave and he tried to cling on me saying, “No please, don’t go. I want to show you to my roommate.”
8. Laziness is soo hot.
He had no sheets on a stained mattress. He said that he had sheets but that he couldn’t be bothered putting them on.
7. Child of divorce.
Prior to our divorce, my wife wanted to have unprotected sex out of nowhere (after literally 6 months of refusing to touch me). I suspected she was trying to get pregnant to prevent the impending separation.
6. The tooth will out.
She pulled out her false teeth and offered me a gummer. She lost all the giblets in the front of her mouth in a car accident.
For the sake of contributing to this article, we’ll say I said no.
5. Save it for marriage.
My supervisor split up with his girlfriend and she asked me to be her rebound. I don’t crap where I eat so it was a big nope. It was a shame too because she was really awesome and hot.
After I left that job we hooked up and now we’ve been married for 4 years.
4. Buried treasure.
I felt something rubbing against me while I was inside her, and after feeling around in there I removed a very grey, very soggy, old OLD *ahem* hygiene product. That was the end of the night.
3. Invisible chaperone.
I was about 16 and at this girls house for a hookup type thing. We start getting to 2nd base, when she says “go away grandpa!” Confused as hell, I ask her what she meant; she said her grandfather died in the room, in the bed we were doing it on, and he was trying to “join in with us.”
2. Dad’s capital.
My boyfriend’s dad offering to pay me money to watch us have sex. I peaced out of the Bates Motel pretty quick.
1. Advise and consent.
Freshman in college. Some girl in my dorm invited me over to watch a movie. I’ll readily admit I went for the free booze. She was trying way too hard to come onto me and it was wasn’t working, so she resorted to aggressive tactics, literally trying to pull up my shirt so she “could see those abs”. I pulled myself away and bounced. Looking back, it’s pretty amazing how invasive and presumptuous that was. I can’t claim to know how girls in that situation feel, but it gave me a brief glimpse and it wasn’t fun.