This article is based on the AskReddit question “Married men of Reddit, what advice would you give to single men?”
[Source can be found at the end of the article]
If you didn’t grow up cooking or cleaning, start getting comfortable with it. Nothing makes a partner grumpier than having to be the person doing all the cooking and cleaning. Help around the house without being asked.
If you think you’ve found “the one,” ask yourself if that person would stick with you through thick and thin. The good AND the bad. If you’re even a bit unsure, he/she may not be “the one.”
I have a friend who lost his job and pretended to go to work for a week for fear of his wife would think/do. That marriage didn’t last. If that were to happen to me, my wife would be the first person I’d want to tell and run home to. Marry that person.
If you want to be truly happy in a relationship be completely honest from the beginning. This doesn’t mean tell her everything on your first date, but don’t lie about things that may be important to you just because you think it might get you laid.
Listen to understand rather than listen to respond.
I think this goes for any relationship advice, but its super easy to listen to your wife trying to figure out how to respond; solve a problem, critique her issues, etc.
Sometimes the wife just wants to rant and if you’re busy figuring out how to respond, you’re not listening.
Getting married isn’t a finish line. Just like you don’t magically get “in shape” one day and stop hitting the gym, you don’t have a guaranteed relationship.
Take the time to woo them on a regular basis. Small gifts, thoughtful tasks, and date night. It’s easy to fall into a comfortable life.
Realize that your significant other communicates differently than you. You can avoid a lot of anger and arguments by knowing the difference between frustration vs. confrontational intention.
Find someone that shares your passions not the first girl willing to suck your dick.
Date people, get a feel for it, meet people.
And make damn well sure your life goals are lined up and compatible. I got into a relationship with goals of traveling and having kids and maybe working less. Alas I am married to a woman who doesn’t want to travel, doesn’t want kids and doesn’t have a job. All this came out when I was on my way to my honeymoon.
Do your homework lads!
If you cant be yourself around someone, they arent right for you.
If you have a deep love for dungeons and dragons, or football, or guns, or biking, dont make a secret of it.
That doesnt mean beat whoever your dating over the head with it, but talk about it.
Some shared interests are important in a relationship.
Obviously not ALL interests should be shared, my wife likes reality tv, I like zombies. Those dont mesh for each other. But we share enough common interests that we can watch anime together and play D&D every weekend.
Do what you want when you are young when you find the woman you want to marry, take it seriously, don’t cheat don’t mess about. Be honest with her.
I have ‘friends’ who cheat on their wives with one night stands, and I honestly don’t know how they can look their wives in their eyes.
If you’re still young and find yourself in a good relationship, don’t mess it up for the sake of “playing the field”. Quality beats quantity every single time.
Establish boundaries very early on and stick to them. My wife is a great person and I love her, BUT…..
…her family is extremely pushy, domineering and controlling. They show up whenever they want, stay over days or weeks at a time, clean up our house to their standards, borrow money from her, call during dinner, etc. Every single clich you see in goofy romantic movies. Now its getting hard to break up that dynamic without looking like the bad guy.
It’s so, so easy to forget how to woo a woman once she’s ‘your’ woman, but you should wake up every morning and evaluate how happy you are, and how lucky you feel – and let her know that.
To summarise, complacency is bad, but spontaneity is good – don’t be afraid to buy her flowers, or give her a massage or just be the one to cook and clean, for no reason other than because she’s your wife and you love her.
Seriously. It all boils down to complacency. Don’t get complacent. I don’t feel like I’ve said that enough.
You’ll save LOTS of money. And NOTHING impresses a woman like a guy who can cook and actually enjoys it (you’ll have to do that too). And not like one or two things either. I mean like know how to cook at least enough meals to make a month’s worth of dinners without repeating more than one or two dishes.
And a clean bathroom will get you a lot more play than flowers.
Sitting in moody silence for hours (or days in extreme cases) will only eat away at the relationship. When I say talk, I don’t mean try once and then give up, I mean push to get everything out in the open. Whilst it might be awkward to begin with, it can feel cathartic when you’re over whatever it was. And I say this because it’s somewhat surprising how many exchanges you can have that are the result of misunderstandings.
Oh, and put your ego to one side if you do this. It won’t work if you don’t do that first.
You need to live, have sex, and pay bills together before marriage. Newsflash… you will be doing this a lot after marriage. Maybe not as much of the sex.
Anything less would put you in a situation that leaves you open to bad surprises down the line. This applies to girls as well.
Also another piece of advice. You and your partner will change over the course of your lives. You wont be the same type of person at 40+ years of marriage as opposed to when you were younger. The trick is to find happiness during these changes and to constantly fall in love with your spouse all over again.
Keep body functions mostly to yourself. Obviously, don’t be overly prudish about the fact that you fart, burp, and have to poop, but protect your partner from it as much as possible. I’ve seen so many couples with dead sex lives who wonder what happened, then I see them talking about how they poop with the door open and try to force each other to smell their raunchy farts.
I think it’s showing some basic respect and trying to keep a little distance and mystery. You’ll share more than enough disgusting moments with your kids, if you have those, no need to disgust each other.
I’ve been married for 8+ years now, and I wish I could go back and tell myself in my late teens/early 20’s that there was someone out there for me who’d be a great partner that I would want to spend the rest of my life with.
So if you’re someone out there who’s looking for a long-term relationship and is worrying about it – it’s cool. There’s someone out there for you. Just be yourself, keep an eye out for the right person, and get out there. My wife and I hit it off immediately, but it took a while for us to get together – we gave our friendship time, and that was a great decision.
Hope that helps someone out there today.
Single men fantasize about marriage. Married men fantasize about being single. They are both good and bad for different reasons.
Make your life as great as you can on your own. Work hard, chase your dreams, exercise, spend time with friends and family, get some fun hobbies and build the discipline to make yourself the best at them. Coincidentally these things will make you more attractive. Then, if you find yourself with someone that improves and complements your already awesome life, then consider marriage.
When you get engaged, if either of your families say something like “We want to [help] pay for the wedding” do not accept. Thank them in the most heartfelt manner and say that you’d rather pay yourself, then once it is all done you can let them know how much it cost and they can write a check for whatever they feel is appropriate as a wedding present.
I made the mistake of accepting my future in-laws offer to pay for the wedding, thinking it was a gift. Unfortunately, it has been a way for them to try to get their way in every little bit of the wedding regardless of what my fiancee and I want.
My wife and I had a conversation recently about what it means to love somebody. She, like most people, doesn’t really have a clear definition of love. I told her I view love as being about making a decision to be committed to a person. She was appalled at first because it sounded so clinical and rational whereas most people view love as some sort of mythical/magical thing. I told her that if love was some unknown mythical property that we can’t control then she shouldn’t be upset if I walk down the street later that day and fall in love with another woman.
My advice is, take some time and truly think about your partner/love interest. Imagine your future together. If that’s the future you want, then make a decision to love that person and work hard to maintain it. Never treat your relationship as a goal that you’ve accomplished. Always work at it, tweak it, maintain it. Never give up.
You don’t have to woo her every day but pick up some flowers every once in a while. Remember that one little thing she liked or mentioned once and get it for her. Dating isn’t just to get to marriage, it’s also for during marriage.
Along with that, though, is to still be your own person. Keep some of your hobbies, even if you might need to scale back some. Take time for yourself. A marriage is between two individuals in union. Have shared goals while being your own person.
1) Your marriage will not always be 50/50! Life will throw you curves and you’ll have to deal with that together. If your spouse has a lot happening in their work or family life, you got to step up and put in more effort, more compassion, and more love. Sometimes it’ll be 90/10, but you get out what you put it. When your life gets difficult, then your spouse will return the favor.
2) Do not keep score. If you love your partner let the petty stuff go, it’s not about how many more times you’ve done the dishes. It’s about love, appreciation, and respect.
3) Communicate! This one is so important. You and your spouse have to foster and environment where you can talk (not argue) about issues. A way to say difficult conversation (there will be a few) without it turning into a fight. It’s not about being right, it’s about listening to your partner, even if it’s something you don’t want to hear.
4) True love is young love, that never grows old. Take time to really look at your partner and appreciate them. Their beauty, their tenacity, their passion, their humor, their determination. Something drew you to your partner, don’t ever let yourself forget what that was.
A thing that worked well for me to form a good relationship was to try to slow down and not stress about it too much. I had made a habit out of falling in love with every girl that showed me the slightest interest. Then I would obsess and chase after them, and ultimately make whatever interest there had been evaporate.
Pretty much as soon as I acknowledged that and stopped trying so hard, I started having better relationships.
There are so many women, don’t settle for less than what you want. If there is anything you have to hide, or bend the truth about, then you need to air that out or leave her.
Honesty is literally the best policy, and it lends itself to compatibility.
If you find yourself thinking “man I wish she did ____” then she probably isn’t the one.
DO NOT DO JOINT ACCOUNTS BEFORE MARRIAGE OR JOINT OWNERSHIP. I see people do this all the time. Renting a place together is OK, but don’t go beyond that. I know marriage isn’t guaranteed, but at least there is legal recourse. Not married though? Break up and who gets the house? The person whose name is on the deed. Bought your gf a car a d now you want it back? Too bad because her name is on the registration and title. She took money out of a checking account that was originally yours but you added her to it? Tough shit. You may be able to get a lawyer to help some, but you’re basically fucked. Just don’t do it. If neither of you can understand it or they want you to commit in property and cash ownership, then you should be discussing a commitment in your relationship.
Then 10 or 15 years into the relationship, what you want to do is go take a pee just before bed, and leave the seat up. Turn off the lights. Go to bed.
Sometime in the middle of the night, she’ll get up to pee and fall in. Then she’ll yell at you, then spend the whole day reflecting on it and come to the realization that for your entire relationship, this is the first and only time the seat has ever been left up. And she’ll realize how good she actually has it. And she’ll come home and give you the best blow job you’ve ever gotten in your entire life.
I would not advise a man in this day and age to get married unless he was absolutely sure of his partner cause for a man there are no upsides to a standard marriage. If she says things like “you cant handle me” thats a no go, if you want children try to get them to interact with them. Make sure you are sexually compatible unless you are against that but I know a bunch of people that figured out real quick they were not after that ring was put on.
Support your significant other but make sure you are getting support in return. Be yourself. Don’t sacrifice your goals for any woman. Don’t buy into the “woman/wife” is always right or gets what she wants. If you have a woman like this, she isn’t worth having. Your goals, dreams and hobbies will become secondary and you will resent them. Support is a two way street and demonstrated by mutual respect for each others goals.
After you’ve been dating or married for a while you’ll get pretty comfortable with your partner and start taking them for granted. After a while they’ll start getting on your nerves too…
…not too long ago I found myself getting very annoyed by little things my wife was doing: Taking too long to get ready, questioning or correcting things I was doing, spending money on little things we didn’t need…
I was actually getting quite upset and occasionally snapping at her about these things…and then I realized how ridiculously mean I was being to her…I never did those things in the first couple of years we were married. I was actively trying to impress her during that time and be a nice, caring person.
So now, everyday, I try to be that guy again.
I try to pretend we’ve just started dating and I want to impress my wife by being a light-hearted, dependable, funny person.
Want to get to know the person you are in a relationship really well? Go on vacation together. You’ll get to know how they handle being out of their element, if they can roll with the punches or freak out when things don’t go as planned, how they treat new people they meet, and how they handle new experiences. Opened my eyes about my wife when we traveled the first time.