We were at a nightclub in Vancouver, Canada – just my boyfriend and I. He went to the bathroom and I stood by the bar.
While he was gone, a drunk “bro” type guy came up to me and would NOT leave me alone. He kept trying to ‘grind’ on me and talk to me, despite the fact that I gave him clear signals that I was uncomfortable. (It was so loud in there that he either didnt hear me telling him off, or he was ignoring what I was saying.)But it was obvious enough that others were looking at us. It sucked.
Finally, my boyfriend came out of the bathroom and saw the situation.
He calmly walked over, looked at the guy, and started hardcore grinding on him. Like (sorry to be graphic) his junk was on this guys leg type grinding.
The guy was so flustered and creeped out. He kept trying to back away, but my boyfriend kept cornering him and chatting him up and grinding.
He finally stopped and said, Not so fun when someone doesn’t take a hint, huh?
Im so glad my guy uses his wits instead of his fists.
My girlfriend and I were in a clothing store and I had to go to the fit-on room to try some outfits. As I come out, I see two jacked guys trying to hit on my girlfriend. They seemed pretty adamant about getting her number despite her uncomfortable hints.
I kind of wanted to intervene, but then I thought it would be best to let her handle them. I mean, she has more experience. So I strolled through the store looking for something interesting.
When I came back, those same guys were still at it, despite her attempts to walk them off. If these people had the same kind of grit and resiliency in other aspects of their lives, wed have a ton more successful people. Screw it! Im gonna have to do something, I thought as I walked up to them.
Hey, are you guys friends? I asked one of the guys. (continued…)
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Oh no, I just met these guys, my girlfriend answered, trying to hide her grin.
Cool, I said as I grabbed her waist. How you doin? I asked her, trying my best to sound like Joey from Friends.
I pulled her closer and started french-kissing her, much to the dismay of those dumb-dumbs. Do you want to come back to my place? I asked her.
Of course, she said, taking my hand.
I still break down laughing when I remember the look of absolute shock and disbelief on their faces as we left together. Like a boss.
My wife is gorgeous. Seriously. There’s no getting around it.
She’s the one who dances, and watches the dance floor fill with people who just want to be near her. She’s the who makes heads swivel when she walks into the room.
She’s in her mid 40’s. The last time we were at the beach, she was getting hit on by college kids. She got asked to prom by a high school senior a couple of years ago.
She is beautiful. She’s also smart, driven, a great mother to our kids; I have no idea what I did in a former life to deserve her, because there’s no way I’ve done anything that worthy in this one.
I don’t worry. Not in the least. When guys – or gals – hit on her, I just smile. I know she’s going home with me.
I once asked a girl for her phone number, out of the blue, while in a crowded mall. I hadn’t finished the sentence when her boyfriend walked out of the nearby bookstore and joined her.
She said, “No, but thank you.” And they both walked away smiling, both having received a compliment. Totally cool.
I was sitting on the beach with my girlfriend, and a macho type with a HUGE dog walks by, turns to my girlfriend and says, You’re amazing. He then broke into a jog, possibly not wanting to see our reaction. I yelled “Thanks!” after him and told my girlfriend, He’s right, you know.
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I once watched the famous physicist Richard Feynman hit on my wife.
As wonderful a person as Feynman was, and he remains one of my heroes, he was notorious for hitting on any attractive woman he met, or even saw from a distance. I was told that there was a chapter about this in his book, Surely You’re Joking, Mr. Feynman (a book I highly recommend) but the chapter was cut by the editor because it made Feynman appear less likeable to many readers.
I watched Feynman from a balcony, at a conference. My wife was on the ground floor. I watched her smile at him, shake his hand, and then coolly walk away. Feynman also walked away; his hit wasn’t successful.
That, in my mind, is the coolest thing you can do. Enjoy the experience. Be flattered that another person finds your partner attractive.
Of course, if you feel endangered, if you think that person might succeed — then the coolest thing you can do is to turn up the heat of courting your partner over again. Do all the things that made her attracted to you in the first place, but do so with greater intensity. Yes, that means you need to hit on her yourself, again.
Be confident that it will work, just as it did the first time. Your partner will probably be delighted, and you will be highly rewarded.
The real answer here is: trust her and do nothing. But if you must do something, here are three “cool” ways a man can handle someone hitting on his partner.
1) Let the conversation play out, and then at some point walk over, put your hand on the small of her back and say, “Excuse me. Then turn to her and say, “I’m going to grab a drink, do you want anything?” However she responds, before you leave turn to the guy and introduce yourself and then go do your thing. That’ll be more than enough.
2) Walk over and befriend him. Introduce yourself, carry a conversation, find mutual ground, and then deter him by saying, “You’re here alone? Man, I will absolutely wingman for you.” The last time this happened in the reverse for me: I started hitting on a girl at a bar and her boyfriend came up to me trying to be overly alpha. I immediately befriended him, found out he used to play hockey too, and I left the bar with him asking for my number so we could hit the rink together. (Pretty funny, actually.)
3) Walk over, enter the conversation, offer her a drink (or whatever) and then turn to him and say, “Oh are you a friend? I’m grabbing a drink, do you want one?” This positions you as the dominant figure in the situation and draws a line in the sand.
Basic rule of thumb: Do not be the guy that walks over with a puffed out chest trying to be all tough and mighty—you’ll end up looking weak and childish. Instead, approach the situation with no judgments and no insecurities and just be yourself. This level of confidence will be very attractive to your partner.
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My boyfriend (let’s call him ‘Z’) and I were waiting at the train station. Z was standing on my right. After a while, a middle aged man came and stood to my left and started glaring at me. It wasn’t a stealing-a-glance kind of look.
It wasnt shy or subtle, as though he would be embarrassed if I caught him at it. No, he was unabashedly staring at me and scanning me from top to bottom continuously. He knew that I was looking at him, but he still wouldn’t look away.
Needless to say, this made me very uncomfortable, but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything to this man. Z sensed that something was wrong, and as soon as he glanced to the left he could tell what the issue was.
He didn’t say a word, but simply walked over to this guy and stood right in front of him, face-to-face. He folded his arms and looked right into his eyes with a stern look.
The man was also adamant and didn’t back down. He just glared back at Z, trying to act all macho. Z moved forward and was invading the man’s personal space, but he didn’t move his eyes away and just kept staring intensely right into his face.
After a while, that man finally dropped his gaze, shot one final glare at Z, and walked away defeated.
I was all smiles.
When my wife and I are at bars, she gets hit on often.
Depending on how pushy the guy looks, I either let her handle it, or I walk up and introduce myself nicely and with a handshake.
There is nothing wrong with another guy thinking your girlfriend is attractive – if anything, it’s a compliment. It’s not like guys just know automatically that my wife is married. Getting upset and jealous only makes you look pathetic and ruins the atmosphere.
I’ve never met a man who continued to go after my wife in public once he knew who I was. Usually, when they apologize I tell them not to worry about it. Other men don’t go after your women to insult you.
In these situations, trust your lady to respect the boundaries that you and she have agreed upon. If the person hitting on her doesn’t respect her boundaries though, then it’s probably appropriate for you to step in.
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Some women think it’s something they should handle because they have been dealing with being hit on since forever. But personally, I think when a man hits on a woman when she is with her partner, this is a direct challenge.
If you want to play it cool, just watch him and smile.
I did have one man trying to chat up my wife, but she said, “Sorry, I’m into women.” Then he looked at me and she added, “And real men.”
A long time ago, I had a punk rock girlfriend who was incredibly foulmouthed, which I enjoyed a lot. We had one memorable night when a drunk guy hit onher, asking her if she wanted to see him naked. My girlfriend smiled and said, “Only if I can watch while my boyfriend… – well you can guess the rest!
To which I smiled broadly and said, I dont know. He doesn’t look smart enough to wipe himself.” He scurried off, mumbling something that sounded like ‘freaks’, which we found hilarious.
Wow! Your shoulders are amazing! They’re like the essence of femininity and strength! How would you feel about having children with a six foot five Viking?
So said a genial, drunk man who did indeed look like a Viking, and appeared to be over six feet tall.
I looked at my partner. He looked at me. His lips twitched, then we burst out laughing simultaneously.
I declined with great amusement, and expressed my surprise that he was so enamoured with the musculature of my shoulders, of all things.
It’s odd, I told him, because the only other person I’d ever met who waxed poetic over my – apparently amazing – shoulders was my partner, and I indicated in the direction of said partner, who was sitting next to me.
The Viking dude, Sonny, did a dramatic double take and promptly apologized to my partner for hitting on me. My partner said it was fine, that I can handle myself, and that Sonny was totally right about how great my shoulders are.
The three of us had been chatting amiably for a bit before Sonny fell in love with the muscles of my upper back, and we continued to chat amiably until the bar closed. At that point, the three of us drunkenly tottered away.
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When you’re watching someone hit on your partner, you immediately feel a pang. It’s natural. Someone is trying to take your mate. In fact, that feeling is downright primal. But it’s okay, we’ve evolved. We’re no longer swinging clubs, we’re dancing in them.
Regardless of what others have said, I believe you have to step in. And when you step in, do it in a cool way. With a big smile and your arm stretched out, introduce yourself and shake the guy’s hand.
Your girlfriend/wife will feel safe and secure. You are observant, charming, and above all confident. Be friendly. After all, the guy hitting on her might be a good dude. He simply didn’t know she was with you.
As for the guy, you win here too. The guy will be disarmed and taken aback. At first, he’ll be slightly embarrassed. After all, it takes a little courage to hit on your beautiful partner. But instantly, the moment he grabs your hand to shake it, the lightbulb goes off. He knows the unwritten rule. She’s taken. He won’t behave like a tough guy. How can he? You were only trying to be friendly.
Now this next part is very important. After he walks away, you have to say something sweet or sexy to your girlfriend/wife. She’s obviously special because you’re with her. And she’s obviously attractive because someone else was hitting on her. Don’t downplay it. Play it up. Say something like, “I can’t blame him.” Then pull her close and whisper something sweet into her ear.
Before I transitioned, I was a rescue swimmer. Not a small person, and not particularly feminine in stature or appearance.
Once my wife and I were in a movie theater that had a full service bar with a pool table and everything. We were playing pool and a dude started flirting with my wife. I grabbed my pool cue and…
Set it gently down on the table. I went to the bar and asked for the girliest drink they make. It was glow in the dark pink. I think it was some kind of martini. I stumbled over to the guy, who was clearly trying to put the moves on my wife, and acted just completely blasted.
Because of our positions, he hadn’t seen me and if he had, wouldnt know we were together. He was starting to crowd her personal space as I approached. She saw me over his shoulder and grinned because she knew exactly what I was going to do.
Again, acting visibly sloppy, I put my arm around his waist and slurred to him, Hey there. I saw you across the room, and I knew I needed to talk to you. Hey, listen. I’m not into playing games. I’m going to level with you. I wanna rip your clothes off and lick…” And so forth. From there, it’s mostly very graphic.
He told me he wasn’t interested, but just like him, I didn’t take no for an answer. After I drank my third whatever-colada and went back to the bar for a fourth, he bolted.
The wife thought it was great fun. The dude? Clearly not so much.
Edited for clarity.