Trusting people and building valuable relationship based on it, is difficult to do. For some, untrustworthy people are easy to point out. All you have to do is look for the signs.
In this article, people share telltale signs that someone shouldn’t be trusted.
[Source can be found at the end of the article]
If they treat people in a service position poorly. And not under duress or a weird life circumstance, I get that things happen and people get upset. But as a matter of course they’re just jerks to people they deem “lesser” because they are being served by them and they think that sort of uncouth behavior is appropriate.
I once was out with a new group of friends and someone laughed at me for thanking our server for re-filling my diet coke. “That’s their job!” they insisted, like showing appreciation for the service you get is a hassle. It takes two seconds to thank someone in a kind tone and smile at them. It takes two seconds to acknowledge someone else’s humanity. The idea of money erasing your obligation to behave with basic decency is so gross.
When you’ve just met them and they start telling you a secret about someone we both know.
He/she blames other people for all of their problems.
People like that will do terrible things and see nothing wrong with it, because it’s someone else’s fault they did it. They’re angels and everyone else leads them to do bad things.
1) Forced teaming. If someone starts throwing around “we” this and “us” that without knowing you well, it might be a sign that they’re using a manipulation tactic called forced teaming to create the illusion of a bond that doesn’t exist.
2) Premature justification. If someone is trying to convince you of something that you wouldn’t expect them to have done anyways, be suspicious. (“Don’t worry honey, I would never cheat,” when it comes out of the blue. Or, “Trust me, I’ve never stolen from anyone.”)
In dating context, when your significant other always has their phone on them around you, but never seems to answer when they aren’t with you.
They have a handy excuse or explanation for everything. Usually this means they’re pretty good at lying, or at the very least they won’t own up to mistakes.
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When they tack “believe me,” “trust me,” and “I promise” onto what they are saying. Especially making demands for trust prematurely, shortly after meeting them.
Trustworthy people show that they are trustworthy through their actions, not their words. It’s understood that this takes time.
When it’s a friend and they don’t give you the benefit of the doubt when you make a mistake, instead attributing the mistake to malice.
When she keeps bringing up past mistakes/situations you feel you’ve more than made up for, months/years after the fact.
She isn’t going to be happy with anything. She’s a miserable-ist at best; and her actions are borderline abusive at worst.
Either way, that isn’t healthy. Hopefully some other red flag would have told you to move on before that specific red flag shows; but if you’re still with someone and they start pulling “subtle” reminders like that, LEAVE.
When youve only known them a short time (say, two weeks or so) and theyre already telling you that youre their best friend, how close they feel to you, etc. when all youve had is relatively casual contact with them.
Someone who is overly agreeable is always a red flag to me. For one, they’re super easy to like…and by extension, trust… Because they are so non-confrontational. Agree with everything you say, don’t offer free thinking ideas.
Terrible cheesy example, but for Instance:
You’re sitting in the break room at work talking to Agreeable Annie about the new boss and how he seems like an asshole. Annie responds with an “I know!” And throws in an observation of her own supporting her thoughts on why she too thought he may very well be an asshole. Such as, “you’d think he would have came and introduced himself to everyone, just seemed kind of full of himself.”
Chipper Chad walks in and says, “Have you guys met the new boss? Seems like a really nice guy.” Agreeable Annie replies, “Yeah! I mean it was really nice of him to bring us all breakfast this morning on his first day”.
Stay very far away from Annie. She cannot be trusted.
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Talking bad about other people. They’re going to do the exact same thing about you with someone else. Just keep those people at arms distance, and reveal nothing to them. Just smile and nod. Don’t even affirm anything they’ve said, because that will result in them thinking you agree with them, and thus, you talking bad as well.
A good rule I go by, is when someone is overly friendly when you just meet them. A good example is someone walking up to you randomly and offering their hand to shake – this is usually followed by a sales pitch or just plain asking for money. Happens a lot in my city from what I’ve been told.
If they get kind of close to you relatively quickly. Like you make a new friend and they soon stop hanging out with the people they already knew for you. If shortly after they’re telling you how good of friends you are and that they love you, just a couple months after being friends.
That, and not giving gas money but instead buying cigarettes. Don’t trust people who put mundane things ahead of actual needed purchases.
When they continually adapt their story so it matches to opposite of the faults you just pointed out to them in their story. I had this girl at work do this 5 times in two minutes. Lost all her credibility in about five minutes of our first talk ever. I mean damn woman, you hear yourself talk, don’t you?
When they don’t trust anyone, always looking for the minor ways someone might screw them. Projection bias is very real, and very helpful.
This is why questions on employment tests ask if you believe most people steal from the workplace, then ask if you do. If you believe “most” people do, then it’s VERY likely you do, and believe most do because of that… it applies in real life. That person terrified that every waiter spit in their food? Don’t eat where they work.
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Always always trust your gut feeling on someone, and the funny thing about the truth is it always comes out one way or another. Personally I find that those who can’t be trusted are people who cannot keep promises whose words are louder than their actions, A untrustworthy person will lie and never be direct with you. A person who is a drug addict (no matter how nice no matter the relationship you have with them) can NEVER BE TRUSTED they will say anything to get their own way and get their fix. I also found that people who are not loyal to anyone i.e. family/friends/partners and who don’t have any long term friends usually a warning sign there could be something wrong with this person and you should not trust them until they have earned your trust.
Essentially you can always take to heart;
“If they’re doing X to someone else, they’ll do it to me.”
If you’re close to someone and that person is stealing from others? They’ll steal from you.
If your friend is telling other peoples’ secrets to you, they’ll tell yours.
If you met a partner and they cheat and dump their partner for you. Odds are, you’ll get ditched the same way.
If they constantly put down and complain about another person behind their back, but is nice to their face? You guessed it.
Listen, and listen well. If someone is doing something to someone else without severe provocation, odds are that they’ll do the same to you.
When someone won’t stop talking and it feels like they are trying to sell something (a service, product, or themselves). They do this because they don’t want you to get a word in edgewise and call them on their lies.
“It is better to be silent and thought of as a fool, than to open your mouth and erase all doubt.
A friend was so tired, lacklustre one moment and flipping out over something trivial the next. Later on, she said she couldn’t talk about what really mattered, so she focused on little stupid things (e.g. The bus being late) and got super angry about it. It was always something out of her control, something she could get angry at without blaming herself for it.
My mother in law finds it easier to present me with ten different vague scenarios for something (that should be) simple like a baby visit rather than saying, “here is what I’m thinking/planning/concerned about. This would work for me, would it work for you?” This persists after I attempt to clarify and ask her for more information.
In the deepest part of my brain I instantly feel that I can never trust someone who witholds information. Especially if it’s simple information. Especially if it involves my baby.
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Got two of them:
1). Whenever you enter into a new, already established group (new job, new school, etc.) the first person that latches on to you is danger. Run as fast as you can. There’s reason why they’re on the outskirts of the group and pouncing on fresh meat. Everyone there is sick of their shit.
2). If someone is overly concerned about something bad happening, it’s a good idea to keep an eye on them. People view the world from their own personal experience. That woman that is obsessively and weirdly protective of her purse? Turns out she’s been stealing from everyone. Go figure. Not 100% foolproof (bad experiences can change people too) but it’s worth noting.
If he/she will cheat with you, he/she will cheat on you.
My boss hired a guy once who I thought was shady. He asked me to set up his payroll with 12 Federal exemptions. (He had a wife and three kids.) I ran it past our tax accountant, who told me that I could do that but we would have to file quarterly reports and the guy was practically guaranteed to get audited if he claimed 10 or more. So he decided to claim 9. I told the boss, a guy who will cheat on his taxes will steal your money. The boss ignored me. Three years later we found out he’d been stealing company money. Duh.
Notice how they talk about others and to whom they are talking about. Are they talking bad about their ex and how “irrational” she was, oh and don’t forget their ex-wife cheated on them and she too is a horrible woman.
How they treat and speak about others means that’s how they will treat you once the facade drops.
It also points towards other negative behavior like dishonesty which leads to other issues. You don’t want that in your life.
They lay on the sweetness too heavy or make extreme efforts to relate to you in every way. They’re learning about you and luring you into the false sense that you can be good friends or more so they can more easily manipulate you later.
What’s tricky about this is that, if they’re really good at this trait, they will make it seem more like a natural progression. So you may fall for it and not notice till its too late.
In college, a guy told me that his goal was to be so rich as to afford a 250,000$ sports car, then he would crash into anyone who failed to yield to proper right of way, just so that he could bankrupt them as their insurance most likely didn’t have enough liability for such an expensive car.
Never hung out with him again. He wound up graduating with zero friends and no job prospects, which was a death blow for us business majors.
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I’ve learned a harsh lesson in that if someone is constantly talking crap about people behind their backs, making themselves out to be the victim and falling out with just about everyone (but it’s still their fault somehow). Yeah that’s about the point you know not to trust them. I had an ex friend like that and after we ‘broke up’ everyone else had a completely different story to hers with witnesses/proof she was lying. Yep I was the fool who took years to cop on that she was common denominator in every one of these fallouts’.
Maybe it’s just me, but there’s a type of person that I’m still trying to pin down in words.
It’s the person who’s always presenting a face. The old adage “if it’s too good to be true, it probably is” isn’t just about economic goods, but also people generally. For example, the guy who’s always making light of things and is “trying to make you feel comfortable” all the time: the guy who just met you but is treating you like one of the bros, or the guy who is way too encouraging (in that shallow, almost sitcom-esque way) or is too quick to make a joke and make everyone else laugh, when you say you’re dealing with something serious. It’s the American Psycho-esque chiseled, perpetually presented facade that a lot of people falsely interpret as respect (i.e. look at this guy, he respects me enough to try hard and to clean up for me) when in reality it’s narcissism.
It’s one reason I usually distrust southern hospitality more than I distrust midwestern hospitality: the latter tends to just feel more genuine, whereas the former is often like a caricature of someone who is trying too hard to make you feel as if they’re trying hard enough to satisfy a social convention.
In short, I guess I just don’t trust someone who puts on a show for me.
Had this girlfriend who would cheat on me non-stop. I had a feeling it was happening, but was stupid because she would say I’m cheating on her with my friends. That’s the day a friend of mine told me about “projecting”. She was basically sleeping around and I ended up finding out, and she would always say how I was cheating. She was projecting that hardcore. I ended up getting tested for everything. Between finally reading her diary, and cheating her text messages and photos, I came to the conclusion she probably cheated on me with well over 20 men. She than called me two years after the breakup after trying to friend my sister to ‘get back with me’, and wanted a place to stay. Nope. I haven’t dated in a pretty long time because it was just such a horrible relationship.
I’m not talking about basic privacy, like not letting someone go through their phone. I’m talking about taking a phone call or replying to a text while they’re with you and then refusing to say who they’re talking with (“Nobody, don’t worry about it” is bad, “a work friend” is generally ok)
It isn’t fucked up to delete browser history, but it is worrisome if they close all their browser windows Every Time you walk into the room.
It isn’t a bad thing for them to have friends that you don’t know about. It is weird if they are opposed to you meeting Anyone else they know (friends, family, SO).
It isn’t a big deal if someone doesn’t offer up details of their financial situation (unless you’re married to them or are actively getting married in the next year), but it is a huge red flag if they ask to borrow money more than once, while refusing to explain what it’s for and what reason they have for not budgeting properly. (My dog/kid/spouse broke their leg, which is an unplanned expense. I live on less than $10/hr so I can’t afford a savings account and rent in xyztown.)
Things like that point to someone who is a habitual liar, a cheater, manipulative and/or controlling. ESPECIALLY if they don’t respect your basic privacy. (How dare you not let me go through everything on your phone! How dare you ask me who I was on the phone with in the middle of our dinner together!)