Here’s what I do. Around Christmas, I pick 10 or so names out of the phone book, and I send those people creepy, cryptic holiday greetings with no return address. No harm, no foul, just good old-fashioned chuckles.
Some of these Redditors, on the other hand, take their social anarchy a bit too far, if you ask me.
What about you, dear reader? What do you do to mess with people?
I offer my seat on public transport to middle-aged people to make them feel old.
At my last place of work, we had one of those mechanical lock things with a number pad. I would always press a random number after going through it, so that the next person would get the code wrong when they tried to open the door, and be forced to try it again.
Sometimes, I would hang around to watch it happen. It always cheered me up.
Whenever my family and I go to an amusement park, typically Disney and Universal, we all pick a place to just stand in line. Imagine a party of around 10 people, just standing in a line that goes to nowhere.
Eventually, people walk up and ask the person in the back of the line what the line is for. We usually say that we aren’t sure or we make up a lie about a secret event or something.
They join the line, and soon people stop asking about what the line is for and just join in. It’s a line at Disney, it’s gotta be for something worth waiting for, right?
After about 15-30 minutes, our family just gets out of line and leaves a bunch of very confused tourists behind.
I sometimes have to poop when I go to bed, but I hold it until the next morning so I can do it at work to waste time.
I used to work with a guy who was very nice and a great sport, but none too bright. I used to play all sorts of jokes on him, and he would get me back.
One day, I got to work early, and decided I should waste some of this guys time. So I went into his office, and rearranged all the keys on his keyboard.
Amazingly, it took him half the day to figure out what had happened and fix it. He was too embarrassed to go ask for help.
When Im at an amusement park or any crowded public place, I make a disgusted face and look off in a random direction. I love to watch the people around me waste their time trying to figure out what I just saw.
I hold the door open for people who are too far away so I can watch them speed up.
I give people who don’t like me good advice so they won’t take it. You can’t say I did the wrong thing if I told the truth, right?
At house parties, I always help clean up afterwards. But I also secretly hide the TV remote in a very obscure place. Potted plants are my favorite.
I work at coffee shop, and when people are jerks, I dont cut their bagels all the way through. Its not that big a deal, but its enough to ruin the whole bagel experience.
I switch beers around in beer crates at the supermarket. That way, when people arrive home, they will have one unexpected beer in their crate if they didn’t pay attention.
My local traffic light is set to go red when it sees someone going above the speed limit. So when someone is tailgating me, I make sure I keep it just below the limit, and then punch it a few feet before the light, so that the jerkface has to stop at the red.
I print all of my companys envelopes in Comic Sans font.
I press the pedestrian crossing button even if there aren’t cars coming, then I cross before it turns green. That means cars will be unnecessarily held at the lights when nobody is crossing.
When I worked in a 13-storey building, I would often press every elevator button on my way out on the ground floor. I only did this when alone, and no one was entering on the ground floor. So some poor guy would get on at floor 2 or 3 and have to stop at every floor on the way up.
The last time I did this, I stepped out of the elevator and some guy rounded the corner in a hurry, saw the doors closing, and bolted to get into the elevator. All I heard from behind me was, OH COME ON, JESUS! He knew.
I sign up to and install Facebook or mobile app games, then spam all my contacts with game requests. I don’t even actually play the games myself. Heh.
I drive the speed limit at all times in my truck.
When the signs say “all trucks and buses left lane only” in construction zones, I do it. And then I do the speed limit. I’ve gone three years with zero speed violations from my company. Screw you. I love getting my safety bonus.
I know it gets on your nerves folks, but trust me, I’m not trying to anger you off. Okay, if you’re being a complete turdmeister, then yeah. I’ll go rookie mode and start all the way over at gear one. On a hill. And make you suffer through every slipped gear I can muster. And believe me. I have an 18-speed transmission. I can make it fast, or I can make it slow. Just be cool.
Whenever someone I don’t like is right, I make sure to say, “Are you sure about that? A good percentage of the time, they end up changing their position, becoming incorrect.
I tell little kids that Santa is real and will bring them anything they want as long as they ask their parents for it enough times.
I like to covertly fart in a crowd and then sneak away and watch as every one silently blames each other and tries to get away from the source without acknowledging the fart or looking like an idiot.
I never put the little bar down to separate groceries. Segregation is evil, guys.
I don’t water or cut my lawn as often as the retired guys in my neighbourhood water and cut theirs, and am therefore defacing the otherwise pristine green beauty of my block while devaluing everyone’s property values just a little bit.
I also don’t trim my purple smoke tree so it’s in line with my bay window. Apparently it drives other people crazy.
I never dry my hands on public restrooms so I can leave the inside doorknob wet.
If Im waiting for someone in a store, Ill walk around and look suspicious. Like, Ill look at the cameras every few minutes, or grab something off the shelf and look around. In my head, there’s someone wondering what on earth Im doing, but in reality I bet nobody cares.
I’m a woman with long blonde hair. Every now and then, I’ll gently place a loose hair on the back of a man in a suit whos wearing a wedding ring.
I almost always remove the little plastic limiter cap from Tabasco bottles in restaurants. I don’t have time to wait for one drippy drop at a time, and I always forget to replace it. Some poor soul after me is getting a lot more hot sauce than they wanted.
My apartment building is next to the pool, so I named my network free poolside WiFi. I’ll hangout in my patio during weekends and watch people flip out over the fact that they somehow can’t connect to the free WiFi.
I fart and then say, “Do you smell popcorn?” They deep sniff every time.
I add spelling mistakes to emails I’m supposed to forward.
I copy things from Reddit to my Facebook so my friends and family think I’m clever.
If someone needs putting in their place at work, I sign off the emails I send to them without capitalizing my name. Because I’m too busy to capitalize my name for you, chump, you aren’t worth my little finger hitting caps lock. I always assumed my passive aggression went unnoticed, but recently my manager brought it up in a meeting, saying it made people feel like they weren’t worth my time.
Keep fighting your tiny battles folks; the walls are breaching left right and centre.
When I’m leaving a busy store with a crowded parking lot, I’ll often times take my keys out of my pocket and swing them around as I head to a car that’s parked in a prime location. As soon as the vultures begin to circle and queue up for that sweet sweet spot, I breeze right past the car and enjoy the look of frustration on their faces as I make my way to my actual parking spot.
I used to work across the street from a Whole Foods in the downtown area of a major city, and I would do this every time I walked back to work from eating lunch there. The parking situation was especially bad on the street level there, so people would get visibly angry when they saw I wasn’t even parked anywhere in the lot.
I don’t do it any more, but when I was just a wee lad, for years I would go in the bathroom at fast food restaurants and put ketchup packets under the nubs between the bowl and the toilet seat. For no reason.
Then the inevitable happened. One night, I went to a McDonalds just before closing. I got myself a Big Mac, and did my usual ketchup routine in the bathroom. The next morning, I got up early and stopped at the same McDonalds for a breakfast sandwich.
I also decided to hit up the bathroom to drop a deuce. I guess the employees there don’t clean the restrooms at the end of the day, because that ketchup packet I placed under the seat… It was still there, and it went off on me.
I was wearing white. I deserved it. All of it.
Answers edited for clarity.