There are funny jokes, there are stupid jokes, and then there are the so-stupid-they’re-funny jokes. These all fall into that latter category, and they’re oh-so-fun. Enjoy!
Thanks to everyone who contributed. If you would like to read more jokes like these, be sure to check out the source link at the end of this article. Comments have been edited for clarity.
3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.
One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms, “You have finally freed me after all these years, so I’ll grant each one of you 3 wishes.”
The first guy immediately blurts out “I want a billion dollars.” POOF! He’s holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50
The second man thinks for a bit, then says ,”I want to be the richest man alive.” POOF, he’s holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says, “I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life.” POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it’s time for their second wish.
First guy says, “I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth.” POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says, “I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want.” POOF, his looks change and the first guy’s wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says, “I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die.” POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
The first guy says, “I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die.” POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don’t bother him any more.
Second guy says, “I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever.” POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says, “My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth.” POOF, he’s now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later, they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic. He says, “I’ve invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is amazing, and I’ve never gotten so much as a cold in all these years.”
Second guy smiles and says,”Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I’m still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven’t aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed.”
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
“Guys, I think I messed up.”
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
1) I know a good knock knock joke but you need to start it.
2) Ok, knock knock.
1) Who’s there.
Interviewer: How much water do they drink a day?
Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black one.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Interviewer: Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?
Farmer: Because the black ones mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: Its also mine.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards off of the boat?
Because if they fell forward, they’d still be on the boat.
The frustrated cannibal threw up his arms.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away!
What’s red and bad for your teeth?
Why did the boy fall off of his bike?
Because someone threw a fridge at him.
Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead.
Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
It got hit by the first koala.
Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
Why did the fourth koala fall out of the tree?
Someone threw a fridge at it.
Why did the fifth koala fall out of the tree?
Thought it was a game and wanted to join in.
Why did the man die?
Because he was hit by five koalas and a fridge.
Why did the old lady fall in the well?
Because she couldn’t see that well.
This is my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder…
My wife walked in on me touching myself to an optical illusion.
I said, “Honey, it’s not what it looks like!”
What is green, fuzzy and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn’t talking to me.
Fish swimming upriver and bumps his head.
Dishes Sean Connery.
How do you make a net?
You sew a bunch of holes together.
Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?
Two fish are sitting in a tank.
One fish looks to the other and goes, “How do you drive this thing?”
I bought the worlds worst thesaurus last week.
Not only is it terrible, but it is terrible.
These 2 women are out walking through the woods, they come upon a clearing with a big hole in the middle of it.
The first woman says to the second, “I wonder how deep this hole is.”
“I don’t know, let’s find something to toss in here and see if we can hear it hit the bottom,” says the second.
So, they go find a big rock, toss it down the hole. They stand there and listen and listen, but they never hear it hit.
So, they wander around a bit more and find a great big branch that had fallen off of a tree. They drag it back to the hole, and toss it in. They listen and listen, but they never hear it hit.
So, they decide to go find the biggest thing they can wrestle over to it. They wander around until they find a gigantic log. They drag it through the woods and chuck it in. They stand there and listen and listen, when suddenly this goat comes tearing through the woods and jumps straight into the hole. As they stand there trying to figure out what in the heck just happened, an old man steps into the clearing.
“Hey, have you ladies seen my goat?”
“Yeah, we just saw him run outta the woods and jump straight into this hole.”
The old man replies, “Nah, couldn’t have been my goat, my goat was tied to a log”
Do you know why when geese fly in a V one end is longer than the other?
There are more geese on that end.
How do you think the unthinkable?
….with an ithberg.
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college?
Why can’t you see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little anty-bodies.
A bear and a rabbit are taking a poop in the woods. At one point, the bear turns to the rabbit and says:
“Do you ever have problems with poop getting stuck in your fur?”
The rabbit looks at him, uncomfortably and says:
So the bear wipes his butt with the rabbit.
What do you name a Spanish man with a rubber toe?
Why is 6 afraid of 7?
because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
A man walks into a bar and pauses.
At the other end of the bar, there’s this guy with a big orange head. Just kind of sitting there, mooning into his drink.
So the man asks the bartender, “Say, what’s up with the guy with the big orange head?”
And the bartender says, “It’s an interesting story. Buy him a drink and maybe he’ll tell it to you.” So the man walks over and introduces himself and offers to buy a round.
The guy with the big orange head says, “Yeah, I’ll bet you want to know the story, huh?”
To which the man replies, “Sure, if you don’t mind.”
The man with the big orange head sighs and says, “You know, I’ve gone over it in my mind a million times. Basically, it’s like this: I was walking along the beach one day, when I stubbed my toe on something. I looked down, and there was an antique brass lamp. I picked it up and dusted it off a little when all of a sudden this enormous genie pops out!
The genie thundered, ‘You have released me from my ten-thousand year imprisonment, and I am in your debt. I will grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude.’
The man at the bar is agape. The guy with the big orange head continues: “So I said, ‘Wow, okay. Well, my first wish is to be fantastically wealthy.’
The genie says, ‘Your wish is granted.’ And all of a sudden I have rings on my fingers and a crown on my head, and my wallet is full of money and a dozen ATM cards and the deed to a mansion in the hills — I mean, I was loaded!
So I said, ‘Amazing! Okay, for my next wish , I want to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world.’
The genie says, ‘Your wish is granted.’ And the ocean parts, and out walks this gorgeous woman in this beautiful dress, and she takes my hand and we fall in love and the genie marries us right there. It was incredible.
The genie booms, ‘You have one wish remaining.’ The man with the big orange head pauses and sips his beer. He says, “Now, you know, this may be where I went wrong. I wished for a big orange head.”
There are two muffins baking in an oven.
The first muffin says, “Man, it sure is hot in here.”
The second muffin says, “Holy crap, a talking muffin!”