Maybe you’ve littered, or picked your nose and wiped it under your desk, or been an impatient customer. We all make the world worse in little ways, and here, people are about ready to get it off their chest. Who knows, maybe you’ll relate to some of them. Enjoy!
Thanks to everyone who contributed. If you would like to read more jokes like these, be sure to check out the source link at the end of this article. Comments have been edited for clarity.
In fast food, you never know what scumbag is making your sandwich. When I worked at a popular fast food restaurant, we had chicken sandwiches that would take honey mustard sauce. We had it in a squeeze bottle, pretty small, as it didn’t get used much.
The manager who trained me in sandwich construction was incredibly specific: When applying the honey mustard, to apply the proper amount, make a “W” shape, that covers the entirety of the inside of the top bun. When the manager wasn’t looking, I’d always make it an “M” …as my name is Matt. I offer my seat on public transport to middle aged people to make them feel old.
I offer my seat on public transport to middle aged people to make them feel old.
I moan about things all the time, but rarely contribute to making them better.
At my last place of work we had one of those mechanical lock things with a number pad. Id always press a random number after going through it, so the next person would get the code wrong the next time and theyd need to try it again.
Sometimes, Id hang around to watch it happen. It always cheered me up.
I sometimes have to poop when I go to bed, but I hold it until the next morning so I can poop at work to waste time.
When I’m at amusement parks or crowded places, I always enjoy making a disgusted face and looking off in a direction, so people spend their time trying to figure out what I was seeing.
I like to make small spelling mistakes in my sentences.
I switch beers around in the beer crate in the supermarket, so when people arrive home they will have one different beer in the crate if they didn’t pay attention.
I silently judge people and hold them up to a standard that I myself don’t uphold.
I never rate any of my apps.
If I don’t have anything nice to say, I just say mean things.
I undermine the economy by not borrowing money to buy consumer goods.
I print all of my company’s envelopes in Comic Sans.
I hold the door open for people that are too far away.
I honk at pooping dogs.
I give people who don’t like me good advice, so they won’t take it.
I press the pedestrian crossing button, even if there aren’t cars coming, then I cross before it turns green, which means cars will be unnecessarily held at the lights when nobody is crossing.
I’m standoffish with nice people when I’m not in the mood for chatting.
I use oxygen that someone else could put to better use.
When I’m leaving a busy store with a crowded parking lot, I’ll often times take my keys out of my pocket and swing them around as I head to a car that’s parked in a prime location. As soon as the vultures begin to circle and queue up for that sweet sweet king spot, I breeze right past the car and enjoy the look of frustration on their faces as I make my way to my actual parking spot.
I used to work across the street from a ritzy grocery store in the downtown area of a major city, and I would do this every time I walked back to work from eating lunch there. The parking situation was especially bad on the street level there, so people would get visibly mad when they saw I wasn’t even parked anywhere in the lot.
At house parties I help clean up afterwards, but secretly hide a TV remote in a very obscure place. Potted plants are my favorite.
I work at a cafe, and when people who get bagels are jerks I dont cut their bagels all the way through. Its not that big a thing, but I know itd ruin my whole bagel experience.
I come up with elaborate methods of helping people, then pat myself on the back for being so helpful in my imagination and go back to eating Doritos and video games.
I pirate virtually all my content, and I don’t seed my torrents.
I copy things from the internet to my Facebook so my friends and family think I’m clever.
I don’t do it anymore, but when I was just a wee lad, for years I would go in the bathroom of fast food restaurants and put ketchup packets under the nubs between the bowl and the toilet seat. For no reason. For years.
Then the inevitable happened. I went to a fast food joint just before closing. Got myself a burger. Next morning, I got up early and stopped in the same place for a breakfast sandwich. I stopped by the bathroom to drop a deuce. I guess the employees there don’t clean the restrooms at the end of the day.
I was wearing white. I deserved it. All of it.
My local traffic light is set to go red when it sees someone doing 60kmh or above. So, when someone is tailgating me I make sure I keep at 58 and punch it a few meters before, so that the arsehole has to stop at the red light.
I tell little kids that Santa is real and will bring them anything they want as long as they ask their parents for it enough times.