“I’m just going to close my eyes and pretend like this never happened.”
1. While working at the airport, I checked a bag that contained an entire dead goat, including the head. Apparently they were off to a burial that night.
2. I opened up the bag and it was empty.
“Why is this bag empty?” I asked.
The woman who had it couldn’t have been older than 30, very beautiful, put together. She looked at me as though she couldn’t think for a moment, and said “I just bought the bag, it’s new. I’m bringing it back with me.”
I looked at the bag. It was scuffed along the side, a few threads had come loose, and looked like it had had some general wear and tear.
“This bag isn’t new,” I said.
Her face became pale. “It’s new from my mother. Passed down. I’m just taking it home.”
Her story checked out but for some reason I was still suspicious. I called one of the fellow guards who had a wee drug sniffing pup. The dog took one breath around the bag and immediately started barking.
“Ma’am, I’m going to have to inspect your bag.”
Yup. The whole inner lining was full with paper thin packets of drugs. I felt pretty chuffed that day.
3. I work as a baggage handler for a couple airlines in Canada. By far the weirdest came from a guy moving from Victoria to Montreal. His bags included: a regular checked bag, a very large (1.5 meter) taxidermy tuna and a USED toilet.
Oddest mix-up was a guy who was pulled aside in security, taken to a private room by police and CATSA agents to be searched and interrogated about a bomb in his bag. Turns out he wrapped his cell charger around his phone and placed it on top of a Mars bar. Apparently it fits the physical criteria for an organic bomb.
4. Approximately $25,000 worth of Magic The Gathering cards.
5. Went through airport with my fiance.
Brought a bunch of toys for fun times because.
My luggage gets pulled aside and a TSA agent walks up to it.
Cue my cheeky grin unrestrained on my face. She opens it, picks out a bad dragon dildo thicker than her forearm and about as long and…
She stares at it, not recognizing what it is. Curious, she flips it to the side and rotates it trying to figure out what she has in her hands.
She looks up at me. She sees my grin, looks down at what’s in her gloved hands and promptly drops it. She closes the bag and, blushing, says that’s all.
6. Oatmeal. Not like dry oatmeal either, it was an entire suitcase filled with cooked oatmeal. They lined the inside with plastic so that it wouldn’t leak.
7. Three thousand dollars in small, unmarked bills.
8. I have to search clients bags as part of my job. Last spring I was searching a girls bag and all of a sudden I started to hear a buzzing noise. I start searching and searching, dreading what I might find. Dig, dig, dig, buzz, buzz, buzz. What do I find? A tooth brush. Needless to say, I was disappointed.
9. A friend got me a job doing security at a theme park even though I am in no way qualified to be security. I wound up being stuck at the entrance either checking people who couldn’t go through the metal detector/beeped when going through the metal detector with the wand or checking bags.
One guy had two pistols on his person and got mad when we told him weapons weren’t allowed on the premises. He had a concealed carry permit and thought he should be able to carry there.
10. Worked in a cinema and we had a problem with people filming movies one summer. We had to check people’s bags to stop the piracy, one night this woman has a video camera in her bag and…
I told her she couldn’t take it in the screen. The manager came over and told her he would keep it in the locked office and she could get it after the film finished. End of the night and the woman hasn’t collected the camera. So we decide to see what’s on the camera.
Hardcore [amateur] sex videos of this women. She never picked it up and the battery died pretty quickly.
11. Customs official here. Full animal spine, not professionally butchered, fresh with bits of flesh attached. Being brought in for a personal ceremony. It took four people to restrain the woman when we took it. She reacted like we were holding a knife to her child’s throat or something.
Result: I have a curse on me, not the first actually.
12. I was checking bags at a concert and I open one up to find a bunch of fish. Yep, they had filled the bag with water and put a bunch of fish in it. Apparently they said they “missed them too much to leave them at home”.
13. Found a dildo with what looked like fresh stains.
14. I was going to see the governor give a speech. All our bags had to be searched at the door.
Evidently I’d taken my husband’s work bag by accident. His metal measuring tape set the detector off, and they emptied the contents of the bag. What comes out?
A hammer, duct tape, tarp, ammonia, and bleach. Oh. And a ski mask.
(His usual set up for doing maintenance work outside in the dead of winter.)
I had a hell of time explaining that to the police.
15. Used to be a baggage checker for concerts. One time a girl brought in a dildo, but it was on and recently used.
16. My family traveled on the 5th of July and my brother used the same bag for carry on that he used the night before for fireworks.. He brought 11 bottle rockets on a 3hr flight in the U.S. (POST 9/11).
We didn’t find this out until after we arrived at our destination.
17. A woman had a suitcase with a clown suit, a jar of pickles, some architecture for dummies book, and about a hundred $50 gift cards to Chik-fil-A. Interesting combo.
18. One blue crushed velvet suit, one frilly laced cravat, one silver medallion with “male” symbol, one vinyl record album “Burt Bacharach Plays His Hits”, one Swedish made penis enlarger pump (he said it wasn’t his), one credit card receipt for said penis enlarger, signed by him (he still insisted it wasn’t his).
19. Military TSA (2T2) and was in the desert checking bags for a return trip of polish troops going home from Afghanistan. Commercial contract, so regular TSA guidelines apply. I see a grenade and lock down the whole building. Turns out to be a damn lighter. Idiot tried to bring a lighter shaped like a grenade through an x-ray machine.
20. A machete. Like, a 5-foot long one. Confiscated (or rather voluntarily handed over after I asked really nicely) from a car with diplomatic plates – it was sitting next to the driver on the passenger seat. No explanation.
21. I worked at a venue that seats around 15,000 just outside Toronto and what I never saw coming was how much worse the bands/caterers/people-coming-in-through-the-back-entrance were compared to the guests.
A chainsaw hidden in a suspiciously-large guitar case. They said it was part of the act to get the crowd ‘pumped’. “NOPE.” “Pleaaaase?” “Nope.” “Come onnn it would be epic, bro!” “I don’t doubt it, but nope. Call our event co-ordinator and she might let you use it if you take the chain off but until then it’s staying here”
22. Former Customs Officer here. Several suitcases completely full of hentai.
23. When I worked for an airline, I had a man bring in a garbage bag full of deer skulls to check in. Another time, while working in the baggage office, I opened a bag to look for identification of some sort, and found a large swarm of flies. The bag was full of mangoes. Mangoes and maggots.
24. I worked as airport security for 5 years and I think the weirdest things I’ve seen are dildos. So not really that exciting. The weirdest thing about that is what person has them in their bags most of the time. It seemed to be old men for the most part.
Also, my friend was on security when they sent a bunch of shipping crates across the border. Nobody detected anything in inspecting them, but turns out the actual crates were made of some harder version of cocaine.
25. I work security for a local arena, and one night before a concert, I checked the little purse of a lady who looked to be about 45 years old while her husband stood with his arm around her waist. She opened her purse revealing 2 condoms and about 5 panty liners. The husband saw that, and immediately took a step to the side.
I’ve never tried so hard to stifle a laugh in my life.
26. I once found a set of human eye balls in a nice wooden box. The eyes were covered in wax in an attempt to preserve them. Apparently she worked for a research doctor. The research doctor had sent her to Asia to collect them as it was cheaper and easier to that then to fill out the correct import permits.
27. Used to play for a semi-pro traveling soccer team. This was pre 9/11. Had a guy from France on the team who would always bring an extra bag empty except for a 13 inch dildo, balls and all. Never failed – stopped belt, opened bag, cue simultaneous laughter from 15 grown men.
28. When my grandparents died, they wanted to be cremated and then have their ashes scattered into the Pacific Ocean near where they had a house. But we lived in New York. so my mom wrapped them both up, in really cheap plastic cremation urns, and put them in her carry on. The airport scanned them, took us both aside into a separate room, swiped the boxes for explosives, and tried to take them. My mom had none of that, and after yelling “you can’t confiscate my parents!”, we got to keep them and continue on our flight.
29. We found a Japanese guy with a bottle of pure maple syrup taped to his inner thigh in my airport. Apparently it’s hard to get in Japan and he knew it was over the size limit to carry on a flight. Pretty damn funny.
30. Not a airport worker but one time when my brothers and i were young we went to Lebanon with my dad, while in the airport for the return flight my brother forgot to mention that he bought a very real looking bb pistol that has naked girls drawn all over it. Anyways while they were x raying our bags the security officer opened my brothers bag and took out the gun and looked at us and said what is this. I will never forget the look on my dads face, he just looked at us and said ill meet you inside the plane and walked away. We spent 10 minutes trying to convince them to let us have it back but it didn’t work and we didn’t want to be late for the flight. Little bro was very sad that day.