Kids are cute. Kids are loving. Kids are mean. They can be the meanest of the mean without even trying. I have to warn you, some of these children could do a celebrity roast with the best of them. Do not tread lightly through this article. This brutal honesty is brutally brutal.
I need a nap.
Many thanks to all the Redditors who responded. Check out more answers from the source at the end of this article!
1. This one is too real.
“Do you know why you’re single? It’s because of who you are and how you look.”
Was having a father-daughter moment with my then 6 year old. She was worried about something but was struggling to open up to me. Eventually she did.
Me: you can always talk to me about anything. I’ll always be there for you. Even when you’re all grown up.
She: if you’re still alive.
3. Yeah, never mind…
“Your glasses are weird, what do you look like without them?” takes them off “Ew, put them back on.”
4. Where is she?
Last Thursday, after I had a particularly stressful day at work, my 7-year-old said,
“The only job that matters to me is being my dad and you’re awesome at it. And if mommy leaves you for another dad, I will always tell the new dad that my old dad was my favorite dad.”
“Thanks. I love you. Where’s your mom?”
5. Where are they?
Kid: Daddy why don’t you have boobs.
Me: boys don’t have boobs.
Kid: why does uncle John have boobs?
6. Bye! For good…
My 5 year-old-granddaughter knew the speed dial number on my daughter’s phone. Without my daughter’s knowledge, my granddaughter called me and left the following message. “Grandma, you are so very, very, very, very pretty, but you’re old and you might die. At the end of her message, I heard my daughter yell, “who are you talking to!?”
Granddaughter quickly said, “I love you grandma. Bye.” Click. I was 50 at the time.
7. Look deep into yourself and you’ll see it too.
Me: Tell me a joke.
My 4 year old: You’re a joke.
I had been reading a forum thread where everyone was sharing jokes they’ve been told by kids, and I was curious what my son would come up with. I expected something hilariously random. I got emotionally wrecked instead.
Not going to lie, I was pretty impressed.
8. Depends on the shape, though.
“Your head looks like a shape.”
Cut me deep, Benjamin. You cut me deep.
9. I NEED to know.
A dead serious 3 year old little kid who straight up asked me “Why are you ugly?” No ill intent behind it, wasn’t being mean. The little guy just wanted to know.
10. Might be a slight overreaction.
What’s that ugly thing on your shoulders? Wait, it’s just your head.
I don’t care if you’re 8, you’re not too young for a tombstone pile driver.
11. Hope it wasn’t long distance.
When I was a kid the Spice Girls were huge and I was obsessed with them. Apparently on the radio they were talking about what an American Spice Girl would be called and came up with “Fat Ugly Spice” or something like that — I have no recollection of this but my mom tells me that I got so excited and started freaking out saying something along the lines of “Mom, oh my god, you could be a Spice Girl!” She called her sister and cried for hours after that one.
12. Me too.
Was waiting for my daughter to get her coat and boots on at daycare and another little girl walked up to me. She was probably about six. She told me her parents got a divorce so she was just like my daughter now. I nodded at her and then I got this gem:
“I get to go one week with my mommy and one week with my daddy. Today I go with my daddy. He has a new girlfriend and she’s WAY WAY WAY more pretty than my mom. I wish my mom was as pretty as my daddy’s girlfriend.” I just cringed.
13. Comedy genius.
Four-year-old nephew, setting the table for dinner — looks at me and announces, “you get the big fork, because you’re the fattest!” And then proceeds to set my place with the BBQ fork.
14. Just wanted you to know.
I was about 16. Young kid (maybe 6 or 7) in front of me in church turns around, stares for three seconds, states, “you got a lot of pimples.” Turns back around.
He was not wrong.
15. Slick observational skills.
A kid in a Cambodian orphanage came up to me and said simply “big boobs.” I’m a man.
16. Will be a therapist one day.
“Sorry, I’m not feeling great today”
“Ugh, you’re only sad because your girlfriend broke up with you!”
Thanks kid, you really helped me figure that one out.
17. Bye bye.
My daddy’s hair is going away, too.
[In my head] NOOOOOOO
18. Ohhhhhhhh, I remember!
My nephew told me my breath smelled bad. I told him I was sure it did smell bad, since I hadn’t eaten all day, but that he should avoid saying mean things even if they were true.
A different nephew once asked my cousin “Are you Jane? Or are you Anne?” She said “I’m Jane. Anne is my sister.” The nephew responds “Oh, right. I remember. Anne is the one who’s pretty.”
19. Let me explain!!!
So while my wife and I were living in her parents guest house, we’d see her niece and nephew visit a lot.
One day, I got fired from my job. And for a while after, the kids would wonder why I was home during the day.
My niece comes up to the guest house door.
Niece: hey uncle? How come you’re not at work?
Me: I already told you, I got fired. That means they let me go and don’t want me to come back to work.
-nephew comes up-
Nephew: HEY UNCLE WHY ARE YOU HOME ALL THE TIME NOW?
Niece: He did a bad job, so now they don’t want him to go to work
Nephew: Why? Is he stupid?
-both kids wander off without letting me explain further-
Th-thanks kids. My self esteem needed that.
20. Not sure how to feel…
A couple weeks ago my fiance and I got into an argument and my 9 year old step daughter told me “you aren’t the best boyfriend, but you are a really good dad.” Simultaneously made me really proud and feel really crappy.
21. VERY nice, though.
I went to China to teach at an English summer camp. It was a month long experience, and during that time the children all got to pick American names. These ranged from Tommy to Robot.
One day the kids thought it would be fun to give me a Chinese name. The host teacher mentioned that my real name is very close to the Chinese word for beautiful, so I should take that as my name.
The kids all paused for a minute thinking about it, before one popped up and said, “Not so much beautiful, but still very nice.”
22. The doctor, dummy.
Not to me but to a friend who is a smoker. She was coughing a lot due to a cold and being a smoker. Child was 3 at the time. He looks at her and says, “you are going to die.” We all looked shocked and I tell him that’s not nice to say to people. My friend however replies, “well then am I going to heaven or hell? And he says, “just go to a doctor.”
23. Not gonna do it!
“I am this way because of you, so you’re just going to have to deal with it”
My teenage daughter. Like hell I will.
24. To the gym I go!!
My 4yo said to my wife who was pregnant at the time and hormones were all jacked up, “mommy why is your lip fuzzy.” I never saw her leave that quickly for the salon.
She also said to me. “Daddy I like cuddling with you because you are soft and squishy like a bear.” To the gym I go!!
25. “I’m still feeling a mix of surprised, ashamed and sad.”
I’ve been a bit short tempered lately (stress from work, expenses etc), but I thought I was keeping it under control. Today, while they were goofing around, my wife asked our 3 yr old son ‘Is dada a cheeky monkey?’ He said ‘No, dada angry monkey.’
It’s been a few hours since this happened, but I’m still feeling a mix of surprised, ashamed and sad.
26. Quite sobering.
My father is a sober alcoholic. The binge drinker kind where he could go months sober and then drink his head off for weeks. He always was seeking to form “father/child” moments with me when drunk, often ending with me crying. During one of these times, when I was a teenager, I turned it around on him and held a long monologue, detailing very carefully how he was making me feel, how he was pushing me away. How I feared for my little brother if he were to see him do this. Asking him why he delighted so in hurting me. Ruthlessly, brutally in a calm tone of voice just detailing it all and ending it with “I’ve had enough. I will not say a single word to you if you even had just as little as a glass of beer.”
He was silent for a long while, then stood up and left without a single word. And that is the last time he drank, he went to get help and has now been sober for almost 20 years. He says it is the most brutal, and most needed thing anyone has ever said to him.
27. Now if it was Jack Black in School of Rock…
“You look like Jack Black in Goosebumps!” – My son’s friend who is no longer welcome in my house.
28. Makes you wonder…
“Are you a kid or a grown up?”
I’m almost 30.
29. Just hang up.
I called up my daughter and the grandson came running to the phone, “Is that Am’ma?”.
phone is handed over
“Hey, Am’ma, can you come over to my house right now?”
“No, honey, I have class tonight, then work tomorrow.”
hears phone moving
“Just hang up on her” as he hands the phone back to his mom.
30. You’re supposed to be a nice prince!
“Daddy, why do you have so many wives?”
My 3 year old, Disney princess movie obsessed, daughter said to me. I was a single, 20 y.o. dad with full custody, so naturally she saw me go through a few different girlfriends. That was the moment I decided things were gonna change.
31. She isn’t wrong…
Years ago, I brought my then-girlfriend to my parents vacation house for the first time & introduced her to my entire family.
I was grabbing a beer out of our little fridge in the garage when out of nowhere my 8 year old nephew says “She is way too good for you, Uncle Flip”. I just stared at him & he just laughed.
I married her, we are happy, but he still was not wrong.
32. For the love of the game.
My dad is a lawyer that always thinks he’s right. One time we were gonna play tennis with a teacher and he couldn’t come and got mad when I said I didn’t want to go either then. I yelled at him that the only reason I play tennis is to play with him. He looked so shocked and never has pushed me to play tennis without him again. It’s the one thing I remember my dad truly taking to heart and realizing tennis for me isn’t really about the sport.
33. Can we just do the opposite of what you love? Great.
While we were in a car, and I was enjoying music.
“What’s your favorite band?”
I tell her
“Can we listen to the exact opposite of that? Because I HATE EVERYTHING YOU LOVE!”
Ripped my soul in half.
Was my ex gfs 10 year old daughter.
34. Straight for the soul, indeed.
So this is actually something I said to my dad when I was the innocent age of four. Preface: my dad worked a lot, so I didn’t spend that much time with him. Also, he was kind of a dick.
Dad: “who’s your favorite daddy?” Me: “I like Heather’s daddy.” Dad: “But I’m your favorite, right?” Me: “No I like Heather’s daddy.”
“Heather’s daddy” is my uncle, and a great guy. Still makes me feel badly when I think about it. Adults can hurt your feelings, but kids can go straight for your soul.
35. It’s obvious.
Me (while visiting my sister and niece, and easing my bulk off the floor): “Ooh, I’m getting old.” 5 year old niece: “I can see that.”
36. Must be a nasty fish.
At the aquarium “wow daddy, that fish is even uglier than you.”