There will always be rude people out there in the world. But sometimes, you have a good comeback to put that jerk in their place.
Here, people reveal the best comeback to a jerk they’ve ever heard.
1. Four eyes.
A girl at work had to get glasses and one of out regulars comes in and says “aw man you should take those off you look way better without them” and she goes “yeah you look way better without them too.”
I thought that was pretty clever.
2. Catcallers beware.
My mom used to own a hair salon right next to a bar. One night she and a lady who worked for her were closing up the salon and walking in the parking lot and a drunk guy yelled, “Hey baby, why don’t you come over here and sit on my face?” My mom’s employee didn’t miss a beat and said, “Why? Is your nose bigger than your junk?”
He was not pleased.
3. Read a dictionary.
“If you look up gullible in the dictionary, you’ll find a picture of you.”
“Yeah, well at least my dictionary doesn’t have pictures, you jerk.”
4. Well excuse me!
When I was 7, I was at a crowded McDonalds near Disneyland. I tried to squeeze through the really long line waiting to order food and accidentally bumped into this woman with her two kids.
She turned to me and said in her most sarcastic and accusing voice ‘Well excuuuuse me.” to which my 7 year old self instantly responded: “Why, did you fart?” A few people in line laughed and I continued on my way. She did not look pleased to be told off by a 7 year old.
5. The chosen one.
Some kid was making fun of another kid for being adopted. The bully walked away and the kid looked over at me, smiled and said, ” Well, at least my parents chose me.”
6. Been there before.
This guy at Buffalo Wild Wings was drunk and talking crap about my brother for being tall (6’4″) for some reason. Saying stuff like “oh big tall man over here look at you aren’t you special” etc. My brother responded with, “Dude, I was your height. It wasn’t that great.”
7. Be careful how you treat people.
This really shy kid that doesn’t really speak much was getting picked on my this mean girl when the teacher tells her “be nice to him, he might be your boss someday.” Without missing a beat he replies, “No thanks, I don’t want to be a pimp when I grow up.”
At middle schools here in Southern Arizona they do a simple “promotion ceremony” for kids graduating 8th grade to go into high school. It’s a stupid process, public education here is a joke so there’s no way you can not get moved along to high school, assuming you show up to class most of the time. But for some reason some families treat it like it’s some combination of a wedding and college graduation. We’re talking multiple 100s of dollars on elaborate dresses for 13yo girls, and little guys in ill-fitting tuxes.
Well, when my wife was graduating middle school, she wore jeans and a t-shirt because it’s a worthless ceremony. A bunch of girls in their pretty dresses came up to her talking mad shit about how they couldn’t believe she looked like trash, and how she was the only one not dressed up.
Without missing a beat, my wonderful wife says, “this isn’t the last graduation I’ll ever attend,” and walks away.
9. Getting somewhere.
“Are you getting smart with me?”
“How would you know?”
10. The ultimate heckle.
At a bar and this guy is really bothering these two girls. He says, “Comedians are only funny because they are ugly.”
Her friend quips up: “How come you aren’t funny then?”
11. Historical burn.
Winston Churchill had some of the best lines.
Nancy Aston: Winston, if you were my husband, I’d put poison in your coffee
Winston Churchill: Nancy, if you were my wife, I’d drink it.
12. Disneyland parents.
Walking through Disneyland with some friends and this little girl in princess dress tripped on my foot running diagonal in front of me. I was shocked and the mother started yelling at me.
With out missing a beat my friend says with a finger snap, “That’s what happens when a princess gets in front of a queen.”
13. Pick up lines.
“What’s your sign?”
14. Not at all convenient.
At a convenience store.
Woman was being really rude to the old guy at counter.
Person in line behind her: “Hey, there’s no need for that.”
Woman: “Mind your own business!”
Person: “I’m a veterinarian, girl dogs are my business.”
15. Cute comeback.
Angry Dad: What kind of people tell jokes at the dinner table!
Precocious Son: Happy people?
16. Heckler gets heckled.
Comedian: “the first time I ever had sex”
Comedian: “Glad you remember”
18. Don’t have the time.
“I don’t have the time or the crayons to explain why you are wrong.”
20. “Do you know how fast you were going?”
I was riding in a car with one of my buddies and he was way over the speed limit on a pretty empty county highway. 90ish with a 55 mph limit. Well, suddenly we hear a cop car behind us and we pull over.
The cop walks up to the window and says in a country accent with a grin on his face, “Boy, I’ve been waiting for you all day.”
The driver of the car didn’t even hesitate for a second before he retorted, “sorry officer, I got here as fast as I could.” The cop was in tears for the next 20 seconds, laughing uncontrollably. The driver got off with a warning and the cop told him that was the first time anyone had made him laugh that hard while on duty.
21. Don’t mess with The Beatles.
Reporter: They think your haircuts are un-American. John Lennon: Well, that was very observant of them because we aren’t American.
22. Go fetch.
I was in line at a sub shop when a lady crammed up to the front and tossed a sub near the cash register. She was demanding money back for some reason, I can’t quite remember why. Anyways, when she made her approach she pushed ahead of some dad looking man in a suit, and got some of her sub mess on him. As she was getting her refund, the man calmly grabbed her credit card from her and tossed it out the door. She turned to him and the conversation went as follows:
‘What’s wrong with you, don’t touch my property, I’ll have you arrested!’
‘Oh, I’m sorry, I thought you might enjoy a game of fetch. You know, because you’re a girl dog and all.’
To this day I think about how cool and calm that guy was. A true hero.
23. Siblings can be ruthless.
Heard a brother and sister arguing in a restaurant once. I can’t remember the details, but I can remember that the sister called the brother fat. His face relaxed and he was silent for a good three seconds. He raised an eyebrow, the only emotion he conveyed and said in the most genuine, even tone I’ve ever heard “you should have been a meal for mom.”
He got up and walked away.
“Oh yeah, well the jerk store called and they’re running out of you!”