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"Every Now And Then I Wonder What Could Have Been"

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"Before I was born, my biological mother was in a pretty bad place. She was pretty poor, already had a very young child to take care of, and didn't have a husband or anything to help her out. So she went to some adoption agency and gave me to my parents. It was an open adoption, meaning she can have contact with me, visits, etc. My parents would regularly send her pictures. I knew I was adopted for as long as I could remember, so there was no moment where they sat down and told me about it. Anyways I would visit her a couple times a year when I was a little kid. Sadly, I don't really remember much about her. My parents stopped taking me to see her because they thought it was too confusing for me since I was so young, and I think something about her home made my parents feel like I wasn't safe? They don't really want to go into details for some reason. So it wasn't until late high school that we got into contact with each other again. We talked a little on the phone, but I felt so awkward and didn't really know what to say. It's super weird talking to someone who birthed you but isn't your mom. The convos we had (not many) were pretty much like when your mom puts you on the phone to talk to some relative. It was just like awkward small talk. One day she invited me to go with her family to six flags, but I denied because I have a massive fear of roller coasters. That was probably one of my biggest regrets because a few months later, she died of pneumonia. I just wish I would have kept calling her or even messaged her on Facebook so I could have gotten to know her, even though it was hard for me. I don't think about it daily or anything, but every now and then I wonder what could have been."

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