Almost Everyone Missed The Projectile
“I went to a wedding in Cancun this past winter. It was a beach wedding, very pretty, and well planned. They only made one mistake: they decided to include small children in the wedding ceremony.
The bride’s niece and nephew were the flower girl and boy, respectively. The little boy was probably about three or four? Anyway, he comes up into the stage, holding his little basket, leans over, and PROJECTILE VOMITS EVERYWHERE.
His mom should have gotten a medal for her quick thinking. She was a bridesmaid and was right next to him, and she immediately dumped out a vase of flowers, scooped up a whole bunch of sand, scattered it over the mess to soak it up, and swept it all off the platform with a shawl she grabbed off another bridesmaid. It was cleaned up in seconds before the bride reached the stage (she was literally walking up the aisle when it happened!) My boyfriend was sitting right next to me, and he completely missed the whole thing. Fully half of the guests didn’t even notice it’d had happened at all. It was one of the most heroic ‘mom moments’ I’ve ever witnessed.”
Not Showing Up
“At my wedding, my mother didn’t bother driving four hours to make it and wanted someone to FaceTime her during the ceremony. I really didn’t want her to, if she didn’t feel like coming, she shouldn’t be able to participate. I felt that if she didn’t care enough to come then she could settle for seeing the pictures. My brother talked me into letting her though. So I told her that she couldn’t talk and had to mute yourself. She said ‘of course, do you think I’m stupid?’
I thought, ‘well actually, I do‘. Right as my daughter walks up the aisle, my mother screeched her name and said, ‘say hi to nana!’ Then, as I came up the aisle, I heard her begin to screech that no one told her this was going to be a ‘real’ wedding and she was throwing a fit saying it was supposed to be a ‘commitment’ ceremony.
What really happened was that she realized literally everyone BUT she showed up, even my aunt I hadn’t seen since I was four-years-old. So she decided to lie and make a scene. My uncle snatched the phone and hung up and I didn’t speak to her for over a year.”
Just Get Through It
“The bride didn’t eat breakfast or get much sleep the night before or the previous few days before the wedding in order to get last minute things ready. She was so focused on her big day, she wasn’t taking care of herself at all. To compensate for the lack of sleep, she had been drinking a ton of Red Bull and coffee and just pushing through.
As soon as she arrived at the reception, she passed out, and started having heart palpitations and had to be rushed by ambulance out of there. They didn’t get any pictures of her at her own reception, and we had to eat and drink at the party without the bride or the groom.
The worst part was they were supposed to leave for their honeymoon the next day. They had to cancel the whole trip because she was hospitalized for a few days.”
A Sad And Happy Day
“My grandfather died the morning of my sister’s wedding. The worst thing was watching my newly widowed grandma look at the picture of my grandpa in the chair he should have been sitting in.
My mom was truly amazing. My grandparents came from out of town to attend the wedding. We got to spend one day with my grandpa before he passed away and the morning of the wedding, my mom went to have breakfast with her parents who were staying with my sister and she came to the salon, crying, because she was afraid of how sick my grandpa looked. We assured her he was just tired from the trip and he would be okay with a little rest.
Two hours later, we were back at my parents’ house making all of the food for the reception when my mom’s phone rang and she got the news. I’ll never forget the exact way she screamed, ‘Grandpa’s dying. HE’S DYING,’ and sank to the floor. She handed me her phone, the recipes, and told me who to call to get help and left. I didn’t see her again until she talked to us just before the wedding. You wouldn’t believe the people that turned up to help get the wedding ready.
My grandma was a total champ that whole day. She lost her husband of more than 50 years and still made it to her granddaughter’s wedding. My mom gathered the whole family up 45 minutes before the wedding after spending the day with her mom and sister and grandpa’s body. She brought us together and said something like, ‘it’s time for a wedding. We can cry tomorrow, but for the rest of the day, we will smile.'”
A Helpful Wedding Planner
“The bride’s mom insisted on a wedding planner for her daughter’s big day, and she even paid for it. The bride agreed, but went ahead and planned her wedding herself as the planner and mom would just go to brunch and get mimosas while ‘planning.’ They did nothing and bought nothing.
Eventually, the wedding day arrives. I’m in the groom’s family and I’m a scripture reader. My little sister and cousin, both 10 years old, were asked by the bride to hand out the programs as the guests arrived at the church. That sounds nice. Until the wedding planner runs up to the girls 10 minutes before the guests arrived, yanks the programs out of their hands, and chastises them for not being outside to greet the guests as they arrived. It was 90-something degrees out there — or a mild spring day for Texas.
Now the girls are crying, the older adults are stepping in to handle this awful woman because no one knew who she was or why she was here, and someone went and told the bride, who was taking photos before the ceremony. I will never forget seeing my cousin’s wife suddenly appear in all her bridal glory, absolutely furious at this woman. She cussed her out, told her never to come back, and then comforted the girls before heading back to her photos.
My uncles made sure the wedding planner left the church, and the rest of the day went great! The girls were fine, the bride’s mom got chewed out after the honeymoon, and that’s that.”
No, I Want Just Brass
“My buddy once performed in a classical music ensemble. They were hired to do a wedding and the bride’s Momzilla insisted on dictating the music to be performed. She wanted the band to perform Pachelbel’s Canon in D, BUT ONLY WITH BRASS during the bride’s walk.
The band told Momzilla this was a really bad idea and it’s best performed on strings and piano. Momzilla insisted: BRASS ONLY.
So the show begins and the larger-sized bride enters the church. The band fires up Pachelbel’s Canon on tuba and trumpet. It was like they were introducing a cartoon hippo.
The bride was mortified. The audience was stifling laughter. She did her walk of shame, and the music stopped as she got to the altar.
After the gig, Momzilla went insane with anger. ‘How you could you humiliate my daughter like that?’ the band tried to explain THAT’S WHY YOU PLAY IT ON STRINGS, but they got nowhere. Momzilla would not be placated. She initially refused to pay, but the contract was solid.”
NO KIDS AT MY WEDDING EVER
“My mom was a guest at a huge disaster of a wedding. She went to a friend’s wedding where no kids were allowed. Of course, people brought their kids against the bride’s wishes. The guests were kind of white trash in general, so the kids they brought weren’t dressed for the wedding. They were wearing overalls with no shirt, that kind of thing.
The kids were running around the garden and picking fruit and vegetables. One boy was pulling a wagon full of fruits and vegetables and bit into a tomato. Apparently, he didn’t like it because he flung it away. It landed right on the bodice of my mom’s friend’s wedding dress. She absolutely lost it, ‘I SAID I DIDN’T WANT ANY KIDS HERE!’
That whole wedding was apparently a disaster but that was just the last straw.”
The Worst Man
“The best man gave a speech which started out joking about how he and the groom used to do everything together. How they were meant for each other and then the bride got in the way. Everyone kept waiting for him to turn it around. The whole thing felt like it was gonna be a build up to some joke or start talking about how he was glad his friend met the bride. But it just never happened. Everyone laughed until they realized he wasn’t joking.
He tore into the bride and confessed his love for the groom, crying about how things would never be the same. He said something along the lines of ‘we used to tell each other everything, like when your now wife cheated on you. I was there to help you through it.’ And that’s when it was clear it wasn’t turning around.
He probably had the microphone for about 10 minutes before one of the groomsmen (the bride’s brother) finally pulled it from his hands and shouted ‘you know what, there’s an open bar. Let’s just drink enough to forget about all of that.’
The ‘worst man’ as we called him came out as gay and is now married to a different guy, but he and the groom no longer speak.”
When Everything Goes Wrong
“My friend’s wedding was a little chaotic.
The ceremony was slated to start at 5:00 pm. At 4:00, the mother of the bride decided she needed to go home and shower. On her way back to the venue, there was a major accident on the highway and traffic was at a standstill. Naturally, the bride refused to start without her mom there. In the meantime, the harpist they hired to play music while everyone was being seated, was not told of the delay, so she ends up being stuck there playing until 6:30 when the wedding finally started. She was furious but held it in until the next day. Needless to say, she was generously tipped for her services.
Once the ceremony started and the minister was doing his thing, he started swaying and mixing up his words and nearly fell over. It turns out the minister never told anyone that he was diabetic and because the wedding was supposed to start earlier, he hadn’t eaten in a while and his blood sugar dropped and he was going into diabetic shock. He managed to get through the ceremony and was taken into the back to sit down and have some snacks.
Oh god, and the photographers… I’d almost forgotten about them…
There were two photographers present at the wedding. During the ceremony, they were running around all over the place, up the aisle, down the aisle, behind the arch, IN FRONT OF THE ARCH, trying to get pictures. At the reception during the big moments, (first dance, cake cutting, etc) they were YELLING at people to back up so they could get a good shot. They weren’t nice about it either, they were straight up shouting at people to get out of their way for this.
My wife and I, who were getting married three weeks from this, took that whole debacle as a learning experience and made darn sure that nothing like that would happen at our wedding.
That same friend was one of my groomsmen and came up to me later in the reception and said: ‘I see you learned from our wedding, huh?’ We both had a good chuckle about that.”
“My wife’s brother got married at a vineyard and the reception was held at the same place. They had an open bar, as many drinks as you wanted. My wife and I had just had our oldest child, so my wife wasn’t drinking and told me to ‘have fun.’ So after several Budweisers, the kegs ran dry and the bar was just down to bottles of either red and white.
So I started just pounding glasses of Cabernet. I was beyond trashed and thought to myself that I should go find my wife and check in with her. I found her talking with her parents, so I just stumbled into the conversation and looked at my wife and said, ‘Howsh it going? You doin’ alright?’ She said she was fine and we all just stood there for a few seconds in complete silence. I broke the silence by saying, ‘Well, I’m gonna go get more Cab,’ and right before I stumbled away, I reached over, squeezed her chest, and said ‘Honk honk.’ Her parents were not amused.”
We Have An Issue
“I work as an event planner. It was the wedding of two fairly wealthy families, and the bride had decided on a rather rural, ‘shabby chic’ aesthetic. The reception, she decided, would take place on some family property, in a historic barn. This caused a huge flurry of issues, between having to have the barn cleaned, the fact that we needed auxiliary tents as the barn wasn’t large enough, and the fact that the property lacked electricity and running water. The latter was solved with a bank of generators, tubs of water for catering, and a side tent with portajohns hidden inside.
The bride had, to be honest, been quite a bridezilla, but it’s my job to deal with those things. At this point, the ceremony had ended, the appetizer hour is shutting down, professional photos were taken. We were prepping to transition to the entrance of the bridal party, which would be followed immediately by the first dance and cake-cutting. During this, the dinner would be staged, so every aspect was being fairly carefully timed out.
I was speaking to the caterer when I happened to glance over and see the most curious blend of expressions pass over the brides face, and she frantically waved down my assistant. A few moments later, my headset beeped on, and my assistant said: ‘we have an issue.’ It turns out that the bride had gambled on a fart and lost in a big way. Now, the bride was wearing a huge, full ball gown, with a fitted, boned strapless top in a sort of embellished mesh. Underneath, she had a shaper garment and hoops and slips. We had already realized there was zero way of her going to the bathroom: we had issues getting her into a limo, and having her use a portajohn meant one of us would have to get personal. That was my assistant’s job. I radioed to everyone to expect a fifteen-minute delay, and they headed towards the tent.
The fifteen minutes pass. Then twenty. Finally, my earpiece beeps on. ‘The previous issue is more than we anticipated.’ I ran over to find my assistant looking horrified.
The bride, it turns out, had been using some health shakes in an attempt to fix last minute bloating. This had mixed poorly with the drinks from earlier, and she had eaten a fairly decent breakfast. The substance that had come out of her body, as a result, defied explanation. It was slimy, oily even, with stringy bits and the consistency of hair gel. Not only had it been a rather profound accident, but the smell was unrivaled. Generally, a substance no human body should emit.
But the thing that set it over the edge was that the shaper the bride wore was a latex deal that came down over the thighs and up to her bra. Waterproof, the poo had just sort of filled it, like a water balloon of horror. My assistant had opened up the snap crotch and just released the evil trickling down the bride’s thighs.
My assistant quickly sealed it back up and she and the bride vainly tried to wipe up the goo, dry, with toilet paper. This just spread it around, so they decide to give up.
Now I have a shell-shocked assistant and a crying bride. You can smell her four feet away. The bride is just flipping out that she’s making her guests wait, that she has a choreographed dance waiting to happen, and she needs to be introduced NOW. I’m just looking at her manicured nails. The residue of diarrhea is just embedded in her nail bed. I start trying to scrape the poo out with a fabric stain wipe, while the bride insists that the show must go on, immediately. I give in that this is an issue which will have to wait and signal to start introductions. The groom looks vaguely disconcerted by his new wife’s odor, but I tell my assistant to distract him until they take the floor. Introductions happen, the dance starts, and we find some fresh horror.
The dance was a choreographed affair, and as the groom spun his bride around, hand on her waist, he is squishing the poo up the insides of the waist trainer, up and out the back waistband. To our horror, we watch as an oily stain spread across the mid-back of the gown. As we are still cringing from this, the groom sets his hand firmly in the middle of the poo stain.
Action had to be taken as soon as the couple left the dance floor, as it was obvious, and I left my assistant in charge while I made preparations. She kept radioing me: the stain was spreading, she could smell the poo from her spot by the DJ. They were cutting the cake now. They were feeding the cake to each other, both now with crap-stained fingers. Each was looking downright repulsed.
As they left the dance floor, I had someone rush wet naps to the groom and to bring me the bride. The support tent was closed down for me, and I pulled a tub of clean water from the caterers. She walked in to find me in dish gloves and a poncho, like American Psycho, The five minutes, I was sponging down a sobbing, naked bride, while I questioned every life decision that led me to this point.
The diarrhea was everywhere, spread in a thin layer across her body. It may be the most disgusting thing I’ve ever dealt with. With her clean, I threw away the waist shaper and scrubbed down the $15k wedding gown back in a plastic basin. The inner lining was a loss, and I cut it out completely.
Dressed again, and offered a Xanax, the bride was a little worse for wear, except for missing her dinner. The support tent smelled like a sewer and just was closed for the remainder of the event. The groom was a sport, never directly saying anything, but asking if we could cancel the garter toss as he didn’t really want to go under her skirt.
Pictures from the event appeared in a magazine. The still photos, apart from the smell, were beautiful.”
“My identical twin sister was getting married, so I went dress shopping with my mom and found a bright yellow dress with white lace on top. I thought it wasn’t bridal as it was knee-height and I paired it with a leather belt and black shoes. I didn’t even have an engagement ring yet and was kissing and holding hands with my now-husband who looks nothing like the groom.
All of our friends and family came up to congratulate me because the dress went from bright yellow to almost all white in the sunlight. I had bought it and hadn’t noticed how light it looked.
My sister was a bit mad…until within five minutes of sitting down, she split a whole glass of Cabernet down the front of her actual wedding dress. Obviously, she got to dance for the rest of the night in my dress as I tried to hold down a dress the size of a long shirt I borrowed from my mom. She’s much shorter than I am, so it didn’t quite fit right.
Aside from that, the groom’s divorced dad tried to mess up the seating arrangement and got WAY too inebriated and basically hung out in the alley all night and my dad puked in my uncle’s rose garden. There were lots of party crashers.”
We Did Start The Fire
“At my own wedding, we decided to have a ‘wish launch’ with Japanese Paper Lanterns. Basically, you light a piece of candle wax and it inflates a large paper lantern and takes off, like a hot air balloon. The venue gave us the go-ahead to do it off a deck overlooking a lake, and it was beautiful.
One lantern though went a little rogue and caught a breeze, drifted to the other side of the lake, and ended up in (of course) a dead tree. None of us could do anything at this point since it was a little bit away, so we all just watched as it lit the tree on fire. The fire department had to come put it out. When we walked back into the ballroom, the DJ played We Didn’t Start the Fire and for the rest of the weekend, we were known throughout the hotel as ‘the party that lit the mountain on fire.'”
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