What would you do if you suddenly had a billion dollars? Seventeen people consider how they'd spend their newfound fortunes and their answers are ridiculously hilarious.
The Boring Super Bowl
I’d buy all of the ads for the Super Bowl and run the crappiest movie I could find to spite both football fans and all of the people that only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials. Source
The Class Clown
I’d go back to school for an MBA. In class, I’d argue with the teacher that “x company made a smart decision by doing y.” I’d argue it was a stupid decision and it’s going to put them out of business. The professor would tell everyone I was dumb. That night, I’d buy the company and shut it down. I’d make sure in the press release to note that “I’m doing this because the decision they made doing y.” The next day, I’d show the headline to the professor and revel in how correct I was. Source
I always wanted to try new and inventive way to miserably fail job interviews. Source
Doritos For Days
Order my personal chef to purchase 10 bags of family sized Doritos. Then I would have them open each bag and sift through to find the only cheesiest of each chip. Then collect all of the best chips and place them in a bag for me to eat from.
Someone get Doritos in here, I have an idea for a commercial.
It starts off with a bunch of French chefs working quietly but quickly and precisely in a kitchen. Then the head chef runs into the kitchen and whispers into the Sous chefs ear. Immediately pandemonium ensues and all of the chefs begin pulling out bags of Doritos from every cabinet and ripping them open.
They start sifting frantically through the chips and stacking the cheesiest chips on a platter. Then the Butler grabs the platter runs through the house. He is jumping over and around all the expensive things you would find in a billionaires mansion.
He finally makes it out to the marbled pool with the billionaire sitting there with exotic animals and women lounging in their bikinis. He yells, “Sir! Your Doritos!”
Then to a black screen. You hear, “you don’t need to be a billionaire. Introducing Doritos 1%er Nacho Cheese”.
The world needs this. Source
King of the (Ra)Coons
Wear a hat made of a hollowed out raccoon and proudly proclaim yourself “King of the Coons.” Source
Tips, On Tips, On Tips
Tip thousands of dollars for a $3.00 coffee. Source
The Secret Rooms
I’d probably end up having a huge house built with a lot of secret passages and rooms I would tell the architect to not tell me about so I could find them all myself. Also, a lot of cats. Source
Beige supercars. I want a beige Ferrari with a brown interior. Source
The Evil Ice Cream Man
What wouldn’t I do? I love eccentricity!
I’d be a guest bartender at some of my favorite bars and give away drinks.
I’d remake an ice-cream truck that sells vegetables but still plays the same music, and film the sad faces of children when they realize.
I’d hire random bands to follow me around the city and play awesome music wherever I go.
I’d start a trebuchet league.
I’d hire some professional costume designers to give my friends and I awesome outfits to wear when we go out for drinks.
I’d turn the park in my city into a giant lazer-tag event for a day.
I’d leave $1000 in packages throughout the city and leave clues as to their whereabouts on my twitter feed. Source
Whenever I see a car parked by itself in an empty parking lot I would buy 100 identical cars and fill the lot with them. Source
I would buy a small group of island that are not far apart. I would build tall towers in them, with zip-lines that connect to another island. So, you would go to the top of a tower, zip-line your way to the next island, then go to the tower in that island, zip-line to the next, etc., etc. Until you reach the last island. And that’s where I keep all my trained crocodiles. Source
The Long Con
I’d play the long con. I’d start by becoming a big time “mogul” by buying and selling real estate. Then I’d start to earn publicity by writing a book, starting a fake college to “teach business skills,” etc. Then I’d start a reality show where I fire celebrities. Then finally I’d run for president and say all kinds of crazy stuff but people will vote for me because I’m the guy from that tv show. Source
The Big Pit
I would have my own restaurant. The employees would be paid a very nice wage. Everything on the menu would cost less than $5 and it would all be amazing. If any customer was rude to employees, they would be publicly shamed and kicked out of the restaurant. Also, huge ball pit that is regularly cleaned. Source
Spot for President
I would start, and fund, a campaign for president. (Boo, that’s already been done!) No no no, listen. My friend has a cat. He’s the coolest f_ckin cat ever. Like, seriously cool. Cooler than the wolf from pulp fiction.
This cat is a Canadian cat. I’m going to get HIM elected for president.
This is going to require three main things:
1) To allow cats to become citizens of the United States.
2) To allow naturalized citizens to become president.
3) To allow cats to become president, explicitly, and not as a consequence of transitivity.
I’m an internet marketer. I know how to run traffic, write ads, all that good stuff. I’m pretty confident in my ability to actually DO this campaign and generate buzz, especially with over a billion dollars at my disposal for ad spend. (You said billionaire, I’ll liquidate it all and become a f_ckin bum. I don’t care. I MUST fund this campaign.)
This cat will run as whatever party is the opposition at the time of the campaign. If Trump gets elected, he’ll be a democat. if Hillary does, he’ll be a republicat. These will increase my odds of getting buzz and, ultimately, getting elected if the past 24 years are any indication. His platform will be entirely based around issues that affect three classes of ‘citizens’: pets, babies, and the disabled. They all have one thing in common: humans care for them. Yes, this cat, no matter what party he ends up fighting for, will demand subsidized healthcare, subsidized childcare, and subsidized veterinary care. Zoos will be abolished. Parents who are unfit to have kids will be discouraged from having them through hefty benefits of some sort. Discrimination against the disabled will be severely punished. The cat will look after the little guy and say “f_ck corporations”. He will play into the sympathy of the human race. People love cute and people will vote cute. they also love satirical and will vote in the same way. I will get very famous people to support the cat president campaign. Whoever doesn’t win the election this year: I will get them to endorse the cat. I’m a f_cking billionaire and I will make precedent. Spot for president 2020. Source