The stealing of Ronald McDonald’s statue in the United States is tantamount to sacrilege.
Theft of religious icons is a crime that has plagued every denomination across the world. Statues, especially, can be sold on for a lot of money. However, the theft and resale are deeply offensive to the religious people in question.
Fast Food devotees across the US have been devastated by the theft of one of the last remaining Ronald McDonald statues. The deity of heart disease and morbid obesity was snatched from a small Pennsylvania town in broad daylight.
Footage shows two young thieves whisking away Ronald McDonald’s statue through the front door. Without a single ounce of shame, they bundle America’s saviour into the back of a car and drive away. Staff, paid far too little to give half a s*#t, watch the smiling clown disappear out the front door.
Americas Dying Deity
Back in the day, before the boringification of McDonald’s, the iconic Ronald statue was seen everywhere. The white faced, smiling, yellow and red clown could be spotted at thousands of locations. However, since the image overhaul, they’ve become quite a rarity.
The resale value of a Ronald McDonald statue could be quite high. However, local police suspect the thief may have stolen it for entertainment purposes. Posting to their Facebook, local police said to keep a lookout for the fast food clown, “maybe at a party, passenger seat of a car, or sitting awkwardly in someone’s yard.”
I expect that the Ronald McDonald statue has been placed in the center of a shrine to the gods of US capitalism. It’ll be sitting there amongst the femur of Steve Jobs, bottles of holy Amazon worker pee, candles made of foreign crude oil, and a mural made from the locks of the once luscious hair of Allan Lockheed.
At the moment, the police have no leads as to who it was that actually stole Ronald McDonald’s statue. It looks like a group of naughty teenagers having a good old time. Either way, if you see a well-known smiling clown pop up in your local Facebook marketplace, either buy it or keep quiet.