Some Amazon products are so crazy that folklore has sprung up around them. Here are some of the most hilarious reviews.
“I wish I’d read this highly informative title in the late 90s. My husband and I both suffer from PTHSCD (post-traumatic huge ship collision disorder) which we acquired while piloting our own huge ship. I remember it like it was yesterday — we were carrying over 3 million gallons of blue paint to Morocco when, wouldn’t you know it, we collided with our competitors. They had about 4 million gallons of red-brown on board, and before we knew it, we were all marooned.” – Angie Johnston
“Given that there is a huge ship bearing down on me RIGHT NOW I am extremely disappointed that I cannot get inst…” – Jim Henley
“I don’t know if it was the pressure of early adult life or the demands of college, but I began to experiment with huge ships in my late teens. I began by looking at huge ship magazines in the basement when my parents weren’t around. Then one day, my mom came home early and unexpectedly caught me in the act. Both of my parents were furious. They asked me where I got the magazine from, and I said I found it and that I thought it only contained articles on small watercraft. As a result, I started to sneak out at night, telling my parents that I was headed to a friend’s house to watch ‘Full House,’ but in reality, I was in the library, reading up on huge ships.
As my career developed, I found an apartment that I could afford and I moved out of my parents’ house. My interest in huge ships only grew. My apartment became a center for trafficking huge ship items: model huge ships, pictures, of huge ships; life preserves — you name it. Eventually, some neighbors complained and the owner of the apartment building had me evicted. By that time, I was so far gone that I didn’t care and I moved into a hostel. It was the perfect place to continue my pursuit of huge ships. The rent was cheap, drifters came and went, everyone, minded their own business, and once in a while, a new person would come along with scale models of huge ships in Turkey. We had a lot of wild nights and I was having trouble holding down my job. Eventually got fired.
One day, it dawned on me that if I don’t get away from huge ships, I’ll end up dead. By pure luck, I ran into a fellow who went through the same thing and he recommended Trimmer’s book. Between the book and my support group, I made progress and got back on my feet again.
Last night, I almost turned left out of the parking lot instead of turning right, as I’ve done routinely for the last six months. Turning left would have meant that I was heading to the Port of Baltimore where huge ships are present everywhere: horns blowing, sailors lashing gear to decks, and merchants teasingly gesturing to the gangplanks as they ask passersby if they want to go for a voyage on a great, big, huge ship. I started to imagine the wakes in the bay and the frolicking of tugs as they pull and push these huge ships in and out of the port. There was a burning desire inside of me: my mouth started to salivate, my hands were trembling, and my eyes darted left and right as they searched for an answer. I thought that maybe I could just go to the port and find one or two huge ships and it wouldn’t be that big of a deal. Call it a voice in my head, an angel on my shoulder, or Trimmer’s book in my glove box, but I turned right and headed home instead.
My support group had a meeting last night and I told them about my near stumble. It felt good to tell everyone that I did not fall victim to weakness. I have my beloved support group and my dearest John W. Trimmer to thank for six months – huge ship free.” – The Bumble
“[I] read this book before going on vacation and I couldn’t find my cruise liner in the port. Vacation ruined.” – Dan
“When I first started attacking my neighbors and plundering the remains of their homes, I used a 1984 Toyota Celica with big sheets of plywood strapped on the side. While this was an inexpensive way to plunder, I found that the plywood would frequently splinter when ramming through the front wall of my neighbor’s home and that the windshield was quite susceptible to being cracked by weapons as small as .22 caliber.
With the Badonkadonk Land Cruiser/Tank, I find that this is no longer a problem. I have practically the whole block to myself, as my neighbors have all been thrown from their houses and their property burned on giant pyres. Better yet, I’ve found that it’s good for trips to 7-11 for my late night Slurpee. A must-have for the suburban Viking!” – I. Guch
This question is the first one posted on the product page.
“Well, first let me say that I have been using the word Badonkadonk wrong my entire adult life.” – Betsy
“No more being stuck at the end of the pickup car line at school! After I bought mine, I went to the front of the line quickly as people scurried right out of the way.
I can zip in and zip out, pick up Billy and Susie, and away we go to piano and soccer! I do wish though that it had a backup mirror, parking in my town is tough and I’d like to actually see what I push out of the way for my spot.
Overall, a great buy and I won’t leave for school without mine!” – Happy Camper
“I can’t believe this slicer is listed as ‘great for cereal.’ I tried slicing Cheerios, Trix, Corn Flakes, and Chex, and each ended up crumbly smashed, not neatly sliced.
What’s worse, this thing is nigh useless on Cream of Wheat.” – Thumpin’
“Transformative for the breakfast experience.” – Thisgrl
“Couldn’t live without this I don’t eat bananas but now I can slice them.” – Robert Thompson
“Gave it as a wedding gift with a print out of all of the best-rated reviews.” – KaeSue
“For decades, I have been trying to come up with an ideal way to slice a banana. ‘Use a knife,’ they say.
Well, my parole officer won’t allow me to be around knives. ‘Shoot it with a weapon!’ Background check…HELLO!
I had to resort to carefully attempt to slice those bananas with my bare hands. 99.9% of the time, I would get so frustrated that I just ended up squishing the fruit in my hands and throwing it against the wall in anger.
Then, after a fit of banana-induced rage, my parole officer introduced me to this kitchen marvel and my life was changed. No longer consumed by seething anger and animosity towards thick-skinned yellow fruit, I was able to concentrate on my love of theatre and am writing a musical play about two lovers from rival gangs that just try to make it in the world.
I think I’ll call it South Side Story.
Banana slicer…thanks to you, I see greatness on the horizon.” – SW3K
“This slicer has changed my life. I keep one in my first aid kit as a stretcher in case my hamster passes out (like he does when it gets hot out) Its helped me more times than i can count.” – Stephen Greco
“We took this ball to the beach, and after close to two hours to pump it up, we pushed it around for about 10 fun-filled minutes. That was when the wind picked it up and sent it huddling down the beach at about 40 knots. It destroyed everything in its path. Children screamed in terror at the giant inflatable monster that crushed their sand castles. Grown men were knocked down trying to save their families. The faster we chased it, the faster it rolled. It was like it was mocking us.
Eventually, we had to stop running after it because its path of injury and destruction was going to cost us a fortune in legal fees. Rumor has it that it can still be seen stalking innocent families on the Florida panhandle. We lost it in South Carolina, so there is something to be said about its durability.” – Reid Hamlin
“Funniest thing I ever purchased. This thing is deceivingly large and it dwarfed a Lincoln Navigator. Definitely an attention grabber” – MC83
“First of all, if you have your heart set on this, and want this GIGANTIC ball, there is technically nothing wrong with this product, but PLEASE take a minute to consider some things that I did not consider before imposing this monstrosity onto our son’s graduation party.
It’s huge. I mean it’s really big, which means you cannot see who or what is on the other side of it. We had a party full of teenage boys, (no small kids) and this was a problem with people getting bowled over. I can only imagine if there were small kids around.
Once it was completely blown up, (about an hour and a half with a small air compressor), it bounced…EVERYWHERE….across people, picnic tables, horse fence, the neighbor’s yard, and INTO A FOUR LANE HIGHWAY!!!!!!! My party goer teens were trying to keep it from causing a pile up in front of our house! We had to push the darn thing down into the woods to keep it from blowing (it was windy) back into the road!
We decided that letting some air out of it might keep it from bouncing so much, and by this time, it had a few holes in it from being pushed into the woods. The boys played with ok for a while, until it had lost enough air for one boy to think he could jump on it like a trampoline. That’s when he bounced over the top of it and came down to the ground, breaking his collarbone.
The kids took it back to the campfire after that, and ceremoniously deflated the rest if it after that, and that was the end of my $100 hope for a cool party toy. Never again.” – Troy W. Beaver
“It used to be that I got home from work and the only thing I’d want to put in my mouth was the cold barrel of my grandfather’s pump-action. Then I discovered Sonia Allison’s Chicken Tetrazzini, and now there are two things.” – Michael Pemulis
“A great follow up read to ‘Drinking for One,’ ‘Getting intimate for one,’ and ‘The 5 People You Meet in Heaven.'” – David Hiett
“This book was disappointingly cold at the start and end of the book, however, the middle was full of scalding hot recipes.” – Nicholas Brooke
“‘Microwave For One’ is not just a cookbook. It’s a lifestyle. Sonia Allison gave me the confidence I needed to rebuild my life. Why be a slave to the need to ‘try?’ Why succumb to society’s pressure to ‘care.’
After following her guided tutorial, ‘how to just give up in 60 seconds or less,’ I was ready to commit 100% to the program. Soon I was popping popcorn and boiling water. Without even realizing it, I was not only becoming an amazing chef, but I was also growing as a person. Without the burden of a life outside of my apartment, I can finally lead the life I am meant to…alone… in the dark…crying into a bowl of instant grits. Do yourself a favor.
Buy this book and never look forward again!” – Drew
“No. Unfortunately, closing the knife brings too much mass into one location causing the formation of a small black hole. This is not covered by the warranty.” Text Source
“I tried to file my nails, but in the process, I accidentally fixed a small engine that was nearby. Which was nice” – A Fan
“This would be a great product but was dismayed to find it has no banana slicer- that’s a deal breaker. Returning today.” – theoriginalcat
“I left this product next to my pet lizard, unfortunately now he’s 350-feet tall now and is currently destroying Tokyo, Japan.” – Lawrence Gonzalez
“Relabeled it liverwurst and left it in the break room fridge. Of course, it was gone the next day. Turned off the lights in our office and as expected, Peter from accounting was the only one glowing in the dark. No wonder he never brought lunch to work.” – Adil Yitiz
“Mixed this in with rose fertilizer and have blooms nearly one foot in diameter! The drawback is I can’t cut them as they growl at me whenever I get near them with the scissors…and they’ve eaten several small birds and a stray kitten.” – died-waiting-for-light-to-change
“I bought this product as a gift for my beautiful wife. We have three sons, and she loves the military green color. I thought this gift would be perfect with its three wild wolves representing the three small pups we have at home while the rest represents me as her moon and stars.
Upon arrival, I decided to reveal this wonderful gift to her early, as I could not contain the thoughtfulness that went into this Valentine’s Day present. Her reaction was different than I anticipated.
I thought for sure she’d be excited. When I pulled that shirt out of its plastic sleeve there was a look of awestruck wonder that had appeared on my wife’s face. For a moment, I thought that she may have mistaken this shirt for tickets to Disneyworld or a few scratch-offs as her expression of joy was one I had not seen since the last time I surprised her with an Oreo Blizzard. With the fury of the she-wolf that had dwelt long in slumber deep down in her bones, she attacked me and stole the shirt from my grasps. Before I could open my eyes she had adorned said shirt and had me pinned to the floor. She leaned in close and began sniffing my head and neck. I could feel her honing in on my jugular and it was at this time I first feared for my life.
Suddenly in one swift motion, she took me straight from the floor and threw me over her shoulder. I felt like an innocent kettlebell being manhandled during an afternoon WOD. The last thing I remember is the weightlessness I felt as I soared through the air. I landed so hard on our bed that I blacked out. I can’t say what happened next. This may be due to the head trauma I sustained or perhaps it is my subconscious doing all it can to protect my now fragile psyche; blocking the experience from my recollection.
I woke up two days later. I am not sure where she is now. Our pillows and cushions have been ripped to pieces in the living room and cotton covers the floors like a winter wonderland. All the shoes in the house have been torn up and it appears someone used the business end of a toilet brush as a chew toy. Our home is eerily quiet. The silence is periodically broken by moans that I can only assume are coming from an injured cat in the distance. There are claw marks on the back door as it swings wide open, allowing the cold February air to fill our home. I am scared to leave. I’ve now locked myself in the bathroom and am writing this review for the safety and concern I have for other husbands.
Take my advice. For Valentine’s Day, get her a gift card.” – G Tyler Mills
“I’m not sure what all these rave reviews are about. I was just as excited as the next man to order this highly anticipated follow-up to “The 2002-2009 Outlook for Wood Toilet Seats in Greater China” but it left me flat.
It felt forced and unneeded. I think the author just wanted another payday without having to come up with something original.” – Revolverlbc
“I was duped by the title of this book. It is supposed to be about random digits. And at first glance, you do see randomness.
But after reading the book a while I started seeing a pattern. I did extensive research to prove my theory. After hours of mathematical modeling, I conclusively proved that there is a set of numbers in this book that it not only a pattern but is outright sequential!
The top corner of each page (left corner on the left side pages, right corner of the right side pages) was a list of sequential numbers from 1 to 628, all in a row. No numbers are skipped. Even the prime numbers are included! At first, you don’t notice this because there is only 1 number on each page. But as you advance through the book you notice that the numbers keep advancing by 1 every time you turn the page.” – Obi Wan
“A Million Random Digits”? HA! They only used 10, and just kept repeating them in different combinations! Don’t be fooled!” – D. Ringer
“A very engrossing book with historical importance, it keeps you guessing until the end.” – 3.14