Is there a wrong way to eat food? Of course, you would not want to use a fork with your soup and you might not find much success from trying to ingest liquid through your pores, but as long as your serve the food using a method that is functional to its purpose, is there really an issue?
Apparently, if you’re not from St. Louis, yes, there is. A catastrophic issue, to be precise.
St. Louis native and current Washington D.C. occupant Alek Krautmann treated his office with bagels from Panera (or St. Louis Bread Co., where he comes from) and had them ordered with a twist in the spirit of his hometown.
Today I introduced my coworkers to the St Louis secret of ordering bagels bread sliced. It was a hit! pic.twitter.com/XNGbljtpYz— Alek Krautmann (@AlekKrautmann) March 26, 2019
Outside of Krautmann’s office, it was not such a hit.
When a native from your hometown shames you as traitor, that must really hurt.
Krautmann’s “secret” vertical bagel slicing method did get his hometown trending, however, but not in the way he would have expected, or appreciated. By the logic of those vehemently against vertically sliced bagels, serving food the St. Louis way is, essentially, the destruction of all that is sacred to food in general, as expressed in the following memes:
Midwesterners tend to not take their own birthdays seriously, anyway.
Today I introduced my coworkers to the St Louis PBJ pic.twitter.com/yEkBusJx6G— Haver (@HaverOfOpinions) March 27, 2019
One problem: you used grape jelly. It should be strawberry.
Just add ice, diced tomatoes, blend it, and you have yourself a St. Louis-style shake.
The crust is too thick, and the shape is too triangular.
today i introduced my coworkers to the St Louis style building pic.twitter.com/d5fkrLHK2I— Treasures inside the earth (@honker3D) March 27, 2019
Man, St. Louisans wish their buildings looked like that.
nothing reminds me more of the summer than a st louis style hot dog pic.twitter.com/i43OCNCjrr— Trey Smith but spooky (@SlimiHendrix) March 27, 2019
It’s actually messier than that.
Made some St Louis-style cereal for breakfast this morning! pic.twitter.com/vfR5CF8621— IWC Panel Member (@ElDandyJason) March 27, 2019
Who, in any city, adds the cereal after the milk?
Make pizza bagels the St. Louis way! pic.twitter.com/kM99EJBgi9— Jesse Spector (@jessespector) March 27, 2019
Don’t forget to slice them!
Ya’ll keep forgetting to slice!
There was someone who empathized with Krautmann, however.
How do you like that, Bagelgaters? Your widespread ridicule has permitted your enemy the advantage of free bagels, St. Louis-style.
Maybe next time you should keep your horizontally-sliced-bagel-fed mouths closed.
How do you feel about #Bagelgate?
Are you a St. Louisan who takes pride in vertically-sliced bagels? Are you a traditionalist and believe this indictment on food is the Devil’s work? Or do you think food is food?
Let us know in the comments below!