It’s the absolute worst when you only think of the perfect comeback when the person who deserved it is long gone. Later, in the shower, you become Shakespearean in your ability to tear someone down and strike at the core of their being.
Well, for the sake of preparedness, here are some insults to keep in your back pocket for when the moment arises…
1/36. My middle finger gets a boner every time I see you.
2/36. I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you.
3/36. When God put teeth in your mouth he ruined a perfectly good as*hole.
4/36. I’m trying to see things from your point of view, but I’m having a hard time getting my head that far up my own a*s.
5/36. I’d slap you, but sh*t stains.
6/36. You’re dumber than snake mittens.
7/36. Your only chance of getting laid is to crawl up a chicken’s a*s and wait.
8/36. Let me guess… you’re the first person in your family without a tail?
9/36. The smartest thing that ever came out of your mouth is a penis.
10/36. Keep rolling your eyes… maybe you’ll find a brain back there.
11/36. Your family’s gene pool could use a little chlorine.
12/36. I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and sh*t a better line than that.
Continue the insults on the next page!
13/36. If your brain exploded it wouldn’t even mess up your hair.
14/36. I don’t know what your problem is, but i bet it’s hard to pronounce.
15/36. I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one.
16/36. I hope that one day soon you choke on all that sh*t you talk.
17/36. I wasn’t insulting you, I was describing you.
18/36. I’m no cactus expert, but I know a prick when I see one.
19/36. I’d call you a p*ssy, but you don’t have the depth or the warmth to live up to it.
20/36. I’m not saying I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.
21/36. I’m not saying you’re fat, but it looks like you were poured into your clothes and forgot to say “when”.
22/36. You look like you just ran a hundred yard dash in a ninety yard gym.
23/36. I hope the rest of your day is as pleasant as you are.
24/36. It looks like your face was on fire and someone put it out with a wet brick.
Continue the insults on the next page!
25/36. You’re the personification of comic sans.
26/36. It must be difficult for you, exhausting your entire vocabulary in one sentence.
27/36. Letting you live was medical malpractice.
28/36. A douche of your magnitude could cleanse the vagina of a whale.
29/36. Your IQ doesn’t make a respectable earthquake.
30/36. You are a walking advertisement for the benefits of birth control.
31/36. You’re so ugly your birth certificate is an apology letter from Durex.
32/36. If you were any more inbred, you’d be a sandwich.
33/36. If my dogs face was as ugly as yours, i’d shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.
34/36. Save your breath, you’ll need to to blow up your girlfriend later.
35/36. You’re the opposite of Batman.
36. You look like you’re going to spend your life having one epiphany after another, always thinking you’ve finally figured out what’s holding you back, and how you can finally be productive and creative and turn your life around. But nothing will ever change. That cycle of mediocrity isn’t due to some obstacle. It’s who you are. The thing standing in the way of your dreams is that the person having them is you.
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