Need a short, clean joke that can be used anytime, anywhere to get a guaranteed laugh? We’ve got you covered.
Below are 48 quick, clean jokes, as told on AskReddit. Check them out! A source to even more can be found on the last page.
1. A man is washing his car with his son when the boy goes, “Dad, can’t we use a sponge?”
slashchunks
2. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all watching a dolphin do some excellent tricks.
The dolphin notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he jumps higher out of the water and calls out, Can you all see me now?
Yes.
Oui.
S.
Ja.
Artemis420
3. “This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.”
johnbugara
4. What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn’t matter. He’s not coming no matter what you call him.
JohnThePhysicist
5. What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
Professor_pranks
6. I have an EpiPen.
My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
alcaraz17
7. For when you’re driving by a cemetery:
“Did you know that the people living in this town aren’t allowed to be buried here?”
“Why?”
“Because they’re still alive.”
symbiosa
8. An old woman fell in a well. She didn’t see that well.
Arkham_Assassin
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9. My grandmother’s last words before she kicked the bucket were,
“Hey how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
93jay
10. Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat?
Because if they fell forward they’d still be in the boat.
amateur-dentist
11. The temptation to sing ‘The Lion Sleeps Tonight’ is always just a whim away a whim away a whim away a whim away.
Alexxm
12. A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them as says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”
Boom9001
13. A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel coming out the front of his pants. The bartender looks up and says, “Hey pirate, you have a steering wheel coming out the front of your pants!”
Then the pirate says, “Argh, its drivin’ me nuts!”
top_ofthe_foodchain
14. Why can’t dinosaurs clap?
Because they’re dead.
PM_ME_GHOST_FEET
15. Why don’t you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re really good at it.
ReganofCornwall
16. A Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of 3. He says “uno, dos…” poof.
He disappeared without a tres.
PMMEURFELLINGS
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17. A duck was standing next to a busy road, cars were zooming past while he waited for a break in traffic. A chicken walked up to it and says, “Don’t do it, man. You’ll never hear the end of it”
weliveintheshade
18. What should you do if you see a spaceman?
You should park, man.
haroldburgess
19. Want to hear my bird call? (Clears throat, pretend to be practicing to get the right pitch, cover mouth, open hands and say loudly:)
“Here bird!”
iforgetredditpsswrds
20. What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
yyzlhrteach
21. Have you ever tried eating a clock? It’s really time consuming.
ICanSeeYourAura
22. -Knock knock-
Who’s there?
Owls
Owls who?
Yes they do!
nissansilviafan
23. Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
Bosswashington
24. What’s ET short for?
Because he’s got little legs.
goodmicroscope
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25. What’s the difference between a poorly-dressed man on a unicycle and a well-dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
Bryaxis
26. “Did you hear about that actress that got stabbed? Reese.. uhhh?”
“Witherspoon?”
“No! With a knife”
Caymonki
27. Guy goes into a bar with a giraffe, the giraffe falls asleep on the floor, next guy comes in and says, “Hey, what’s that lyin’ on the floor?”
Bartender says, “It’s not a lion, it’s a giraffe.”
Allenrw3
28. Two satellites decide to get married. It wasn’t much of a wedding, but boy was that reception amazing!
idontknow1138
29. What do you get when you cross an insomniac, an agnostic, and a dyslexic?
Someone who stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.
majime100
30. In Trinidad a steak and kidney pie costs 2.50. The same pie costs 3 in Jamaica.
These, my friends, are the ‘Pie Rates of the Caribbean’
Wiggamortis
31. “What’s a pirate’s favorite letter of the alphabet?”
Victim: “ARRRRRRRR!”
In a pirate voice: ” No, it’s actually the C!”
2Lumpy2Stump
32. -Knock knock-
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go ‘mooo’.
so_whaat
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33. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh…
anomalous_cowherd
34. What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Scarlet-Janefox
35. So a photon walks into a hotel. The bellhop says, “Can I carry any of your luggage?”
The photon says, “No thanks, I’m traveling light.”
damnitnana
36. What’s brown and sticky?
A stick!
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye-deer!
DreadfulRauw
37. To the guy who stole my Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my word.
buggs_bunnee
38. The police arrested two suspicious men in a car park today. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
PM_ME_UR_AUDI_TTs
39. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
masteroflife67
40. How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints.
raevpet
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41. What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor?
‘Make me one with everything.’
onequbit
42. Why did the banker quit his job?
He lost interest!
crazymanfish90
43. I went to a zoo once, but it only had one dog.
It was a Shih-Tzu.
ThrindellOblinity
44. What’s blue and smells like red paint?
Blue paint.
PbCuSurgeon
45. R.I.P boiling water. You will be mist.
WowInternet
46. A man was hit in the head with a soda.
Good thing it was a soft drink.
Yeasty_Geese
47. Why is Peter Pan always flying?
He never lands.
EskimoDave
48. How many immature people does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
69.
frontlawnmaterial