The signs of a terrible relationship are usually there, but most couples tend to ignore them and jump into marriage. The idea is that marriage (and kids later on), will solve any issues they may have together. However, in some cases, they come to the realization that they married the wrong person, for the wrong reasons.
In this article, married people share the moment they realized they married the wrong person.
[Source can be found at the end of the article]
I realised when I checked our bank accounts and noticed they were completely empty of the money my grandmother had given us to buy a house. Then I noticed that he was ‘on call’ more than usual and that those calls happened all night… then all weekend. Then I realised he was not the one when the woman he was having sex with called our house looking for him and was surprised that his wife answered the phone.
Turns out he emptied our accounts to pay for her. She was expensive.
He wanted kids as much as I did. So, we had kids. Then he just turned out to be a horrible Dad. Ignored them, belittled them, started drinking too much and lashing out. Refused couples therapy. Started to embarrass the kids with his actions. Divorce.
When she took her son to Disney world for a family vacation… and left me and my son at home to take care of the dog. I told her I was divorcing her the day she got back.
He told me he can’t love me the way he thinks he can love a man… I was honestly relieved as the couple years leading up to that moment had been hell for me. I had convinced myself something was wrong with me, etc. He told me his truth and I was free. Fast forward 5 years and he’s still in the closet (he never fully came out) and living a miserable existence while hating me for knowing his truth. There’s so much more I could add, but I’ll just leave it at that.
After getting married, I began to see all the red flags I had been ignoring weren’t going away. Too much unnecessary drama, financial irresponsibility and a cheating heart all hidden by a pretty face.
Look for and always acknowledge the red flags.
Other than when I was served with papers for a dissolution for marriage, I should have known she was going to walk when a month into the marriage she wanted to leave after a small argument. Then she called her mom and said maybe we should go to marriage counselling. The marriage lasted on paper for 23 months, but was already starting to disintegrate after a month.
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When I realised I’d rather die than continue. And that my son needed me alive more than I needed his daddy. And then when I had it pointed out to me that due to my being the sole earner in the house I could easily disentangle myself from him financially – something he’d made me believe I couldn’t do. His truth is very flexible to his environment and audience. He had zero energy for engaging with me and his son and while I worked he farmed my son out to anyone who’d have him and told other women how he was a stay at home dad because he loved that attention.
Well, a ton of things. Two of the worst:
When I came back from my fourth deployment, she told me she wished I was still over there. That was like within three days.
I told her I wanted to name my first born after my friend who died overseas. She told me it was a terrible name.
Ignored red flags.. She was selfish and rude immediately after we got married.
She was rude to waiters and anyone she saw as beneath her.
Needless to say. Ended it quickly.
We had sex before we got married and enjoyed many of the same things. After we got married he just wanted to play guitar in his underwear and only successfully flash Nintendo eprom chips about 60% of the time. No more sex and he spent more time with his new hobbies than with me.
When we discussed what our lives would be like if we divorced and how they’d be fine. Six months in. Married at 20. Separated at 20. After we had that talk I just started seeing all the reasons we wouldn’t work.
Plus he wouldn’t fight with me. Just refused. He’s happily married with two kids now. And I’m in the best long term relationship of my life, with a man that made me want to try marriage again.
Don’t be afraid to admit you made a mistake. I’m glad I did.
It didn’t take long after being married to my first wife it was all about sex. The arguments started to overshadow the sex and it didn’t last long after that. We were married and divorced within a year. Fortunately I hit the jackpot with my second wife and now going on 30 years, she’s the greatest!
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When he became a completely different person after we got married. His entire personality changed. I tried to tell myself it was just stress.. but he wasn’t the person I’d been traveling with for years. He just… changed. It got really ugly and eventually I had to accept the person I fell in love with and married never existed in the first place.
I ignored some of the red flags, although mild at the time they were there. I guess now looking back I see them. At the time it was easy to blame the situation more than her, stressed, tired… etc.
She hid who she really was until she couldn’t anymore. Took about 3 months after the wedding. When the real her came out to play I walked. There is no reason to be miserable in life.
He completely changed personalities. Like, 180 degree change into someone I could not recognize him after just TWO WEEKS.
When he threw a chair at my head a month after we were married, that’s when I started to plan my escape.
A therapist later told me he displayed sever personality disorders ranging into sociopathic. So yeah, he definitely hid it long enough to marry me and get me to work, pay for bills, clean up after him and take care of the house while he put personal adds on Craigslist to hook up with strangers.
When we moved out of his home state back to my hometown and suddenly he stopped paying me any attention. Then came the abuse. It eventually boiled down to the only times he paid any attention to me was when he wanted sex.
The moment I decided I was going to leave was when I broke my finger while at school and I still had to do everything around the house with a cast on.
We were in couples counselling and when he would miss an appointment due to work I saw the therapist alone. I told her I wanted to leave him. She said that in all her years of therapy she’s never done this, but in good conscience and fearing for my safety, told me I should leave. I left the next month. I never missed him one day. He was mentally and emotionally abusive.
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I kinda slowly figured it out over the course of the 3 years we were married, but I kid you not, the exact moment I realized I married the wrong man happened in the grocery store.
We were buying toilet paper and ended up having a serious fight over what type to get – he wanted to get single-ply because it was cheaper, I wanted to get Charmin because it doesn’t hurt when I wipe (he didn’t wipe unless it was a #2 so I guess the stakes were higher for me). I had this moment of clarity where I went “I am a grown woman arguing with my husband in the middle of the grocery store over saving a dollar on toilet paper. This is dumb. I should not be having such dumb arguments with the man I am spending forever with.”
There were other moments, of course, but that was the one that stands out to me – standing in a grocery store, feeling deflated and angry and arguing over single-ply toilet paper.
I was in the military, her father didn’t like me because I didn’t make a lot of money (he was a small business owner), and some of her family weren’t exactly pro-military. Whatever, some people can’t change it, you just live with that fact.
Cut to her living with me off base, she didn’t have any friends and was bored. So I helped her get a job on base. We played WoW together for raiding (WotLk baby!). But we fought most of the time about trivial things of course.
But what did it for me, was when we were arguing one day and she, on purpose, kicked my Gibson SG over, chipping the finish on one of the horns… might seem trivial to some but I mowed a ton of lawns to buy that guitar. Of all the things she had to mess with… and so I decided I was done after that and sent her back home.
It didn’t take long. I was so young and naive I basically married the person my controlling mother picked out for me. After six months, our sex life was almost non-existent. Seems he could manage a quick episode only after returning from Sunday Mass. I actually believed he was spending hours and hours nightly, jogging, with our fabulously gay neighbor. It was only when I found myself drinking copiously every night that I realized something wasn’t right. So I left, still not quite sure was the problem was. Told you I was naive. He married again, a woman, but is still “besties” with the neighbor, who also married a female. To this day my mother has not forgiven me for leaving a perfectly good middle-class life. So, it was (a) no sex, (b) suddenly needing to be anesthetized with alcohol, and (c) he was kind of a selfish jerk too, spending loads on himself and begrudging me the things I enjoyed (books, etc.).
One morning, the baby had woken me up early, and I went outside after I had put him back to sleep. I looked over the horizon and there was an absolutely gorgeous sunrise, so I went back inside and excitedly say to my (awake) husband: “Honey! There’s the most beautiful sunrise out here! Come watch it with me!” to which he replies, “I’ve seen a billion sunrises! Go away and let me sleep.”
So I quietly got myself a drink, went back out to watch the sunrise by myself, and realized that I had been alone for a long time, and would continue to be alone if I stayed with him.
Almost five years later, I finally got the courage to divorce him. I’m still recovering, but I’m no longer with him, so I know it’s going to be okay.
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These aren’t the things that led to the divorce, but were the things that led to me realizing I made a mistake.
She had a child from a prior marriage (that lasted only about a year) and at 21, I hadn’t really fully accepted what it meant to be a father figure to a child I never wanted, and to have her ex husband in her life forever. Then when the child was diagnosed as autistic, it made things that much harder.
She was disabled (albino, so legally blind and very sensitive to light). This made a LOT of activities and hobbies I once enjoyed difficult to share with her. What made it worse was she ACTUALLY LIKED a lot of the same things, just couldn’t do them as well or as long.
She hid smoking, which I hated, from me. (Though I hid heavy drinking, which she hated, from her).
Her family was mostly a drain on us, both drama wise and financially.
Our life goals weren’t really defined when we got together, but they became more and more different as we got older.
She’s a great person, and 7 years after the divorce, we are still friends.
My friend got divorced after a year of being married. The issue was her husband was the same person he was before they got married.
This is super common, I think, but in her case it blew up much faster than it does in other cases (where people split up around the 5-7 year mark). A lot of people believe in some capacity that once they get married, some things will change. They’ll become more reliable, they’ll take the relationship more seriously, they’ll “grow up”, they’ll be more thoughtful, they won’t stop hanging out with their friends as much, but they won’t be. The person you marry is the same person you were dating, and frankly, not a lot changes when you get married if you’ve been together for more than a couple years and you already lived together before getting married. It’s the same daily things, the same issues you had before you’re married, except now you’re married and breaking up will take longer to do. You need to be okay with all of them before you get married, and sure, you’ll learn new things about them once you’re married too, but if there are things you are drastically not ok with before the marriage, there is nothing that will stop those things from happening once you’re married, too.
It started with me realising I didn’t like his smell anymore, I didn’t like to use my tongue anymore when kissing him and when I did I had the urge to wipe my mouth afterwards. He became incredibly irritating to me, nearly every word out of his mouth was annoying.
We hardly ever had real conversations anymore, no date nights, no activities together. He was always occupied with computer games and watching YouTube videos.
He got really preachy with his veganism and socialist ideology (which he really knew hardly anything about, he just thought it was trendy). He basically called me Hitler because I suggested reading a book about Lenin before declaring himself a fan. I am left too, I just believe some solid research should be the basis of one’s political opinion.
He told little (and sometimes big) lies all the time, just to avoid conflict. He didn’t have a proper job but still didn’t spend much time with our daughters.
When I was depressed, he often ignored me. I could sit in the hallway crying and he would just walk past me.
All that I put up with. Then I met the love of my life and suddenly knew for sure my husband wasn’t the one.
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It started out small..
First couple months after marriage he became extremely controlling financially. There was a lot of belittling, calling me trash (ironically I come from a well-off family), telling me I was nothing without him.
Six months in, he put his hands on me for the first time. Pushing me into a wall. He told me if I told anyone (friends, family, etc.) he would kill me. He was in the military, so he told me if I threatened his job in any way, there would be consequences.
I felt like a prisoner in my own home. I dealt with it for over three years before finally deciding to leave. In which I moved clear across the country.
It took me a long time to realize that he had no clue where I was, and wasn’t coming back to harass me.
I got married a year ago today and realized she wasn’t the one when she told me in January that she didn’t love me and was in love with our female roommate who was married to a guy in the army.
She also stole money and then threw away or stole a good bit of my possessions after kicking me out. They moved in with one another in a different state about a week ago, I moved across the country back in April. I really loved her and trusted her after being cheated on in previous relationships, and her sister did the same thing to her husband and her leaving me for a woman was discussed and ruled out before I committed to the marriage.
Things will get better though, hopefully I find someone who actually loves me and can commit, but I have a good group of friends and know I’ll be ok regardless
I married an ambitious man who was in school (community college, but still), employed, wanted to travel/do things, had a career in mind that he was working towards.
As soon as we got married he stopped trying to find work (had “lost” his job shortly before we got married; I found out later that he could have gone back, but chose not to), stopped helping out around the house, no longer wanted to do anything but his own selfish interests, complained up and down if I bought cheap coffee for myself, but would try to justify hundreds of dollar purchases we couldn’t afford because it made him happy and “I don’t have anything else in my life!!!!”
Oh, and I couldn’t afford to be on birth control (prior to Obamacare) so we used condoms, but he wanted kids so he poked holes in them. He denies ever actually cheating on me, but his best friend told me he went to a hooker while they were on a trip, and I found emails where he organized to meet up with random women for sex. He also gave a lot of money to girls on SecondLife for virtual sex (Skype or voice).
So I mean… He just piled on pretty much every reason I would dump someone.