There are certain things people just shouldn't say to pregnant women, but for some reason, they never learn. To-be fathers are the most guilty parties and these moments will make you facepalm.
(Content has been edited for clarity.)
She Was The Last Person To Talk About Weight Issues With
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“Overall, my husband has been stellar, supportive, and great, but when I was around 22 weeks with twins, his work made him do a body composition/metabolic analysis, and he came home in a bad mood.
He has an active job, and is in good shape, although not as good as when he was in his 20s and went to the gym every day. I asked him what was wrong, and he said, ‘You’d be in a bad mood too if you found out you had 17% body fat.’
HONEY IF I HAD 17% BODY FAT WHILE PREGNANT WITH TWINS I’D BE A FITNESS MODEL, ALSO I CAN’T WEAR MOST OF MY SHOES BECAUSE MY ACTUAL FEET ARE SO BIG RIGHT NOW. SORRY YOU FEEL DOWN ABOUT THIS BUT MAYBE YOU CAN DISCUSS THESE FEELINGS WITH A FRIEND AT WORK INSTEAD OF YOUR HUGELY PREGNANT WIFE.”
His “Man Flu” Wasn’t Going To Fly By Her Anymore
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“My fiancé has a terrible affliction of what is colloquially known as ‘man flu.’ One mild head cold and he thinks the world is ending.
I was in the midst of one of my worst bouts of morning sickness. My fiancé had gone out with his friends the night before. I had barely slept and was awake most of the night having the HOLY CRAP I’M GOING TO BE A MOTHER IN A FEW MONTHS WHAT IF I MESS UP AND DAMAGE MY KID FOREVER epiphany. My fiancé had called me at 2 am, obviously wasted, to open the door for him because his ‘key wasn’t working’ (he had been trying to open the door with his phone).
I was on my hands and knees with my head in the toilet when he came into the bathroom clutching his head and moaning in pain. He informed me in his groggy fake sick voice that he was going to call in sick this morning because he wasn’t feeling well. Meanwhile, I was throwing up my inner organs all while being expected to drag myself to work and teach 30 screaming 5-year-olds all day with a smile on my face. I never wanted to strangle anyone with my bare hands as much as I did right then.
I just looked at him and said as calmly as I could, ‘I think you can manage going to work with a little headache, don’t you?’ He didn’t call in sick.”
He Thought He Was An Expert, But Boy Was He Wrong
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“My dad assumed when my mom went into labor with me that it would take as long as the first kid. She had already waited a while before waking him up so that he didn’t have to wait, and had spent most of the night pacing the house and contracting. Once he was up, he made her wait until he took a shower and made some breakfast because he was convinced he was in for a 19-hour labor. It was also a snowstorm and he made her walk in from the parking lot with him because it would ‘help move things along.’ By the time he was done doing paperwork and walked into the room, I was on my way out. He took the next four labors after mine much more seriously.
This is not to speak badly of my dad – he is an awesome dad and a total sucker for anything the women in the family ask for. There have not been too many ‘whoops’ moments in his record as a husband and a dad; this just happens to be one of the rare ones.”
“He’s A Good Guy But Under Baby Pressure He Loses His Nerve”
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“My significant other during my pregnancies…
Baby 1:
I woke in the middle of the night thinking I was in pre-term labor. He asked if I’d hold on so he could have a shower and eat.
As I was pushing the baby out he was texting everyone to tell them. I managed to kick the phone out of his hand.
Baby 2:
I went into anaphylactic shock due to insulin mix up. Laying on the shower floor dying and naked he asked me to get dressed so he could drive me to the doctors. My eldest daughter was smart enough to know we needed an ambulance!
We went to a check-up, the hospital told me we needed to induce the baby the next day as she was struggling. His response was ‘I didn’t put in annual leave, and I’ll see if I can get the day off.’
We laugh about it now, because he’s a good guy but under baby pressure, he loses his nerve!”
He Just Couldn’t Miss The Big Game
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“My wife giving birth to our first kid on a Sunday afternoon in October. Yes, NFL season. While the baby was being delivered, the doctor, nurse, and I all turned around to see an exciting play by the Vikings vs the Bears. She still brings it up 18 years later.”
It’s Always The Husband’s Fault, Even When It’s Not
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“When my wife was pregnant with our first child, she instructed me not to indulge her crazy needs. She warned me that she might have some weird cravings, but I was not to submit.
A couple of weeks into pregnancy, my wife told me she wanted some olives. Not thinking twice, I grabbed a full jar of olives and gave it to her. We continued merrily watching some movie and life was simple. About an hour later, my movie watching experience was ruined by my lovely wife projectile vomiting what seemed to be a bucket of half ingested olives across our bedroom. Of course, it was all my fault for letting her do that to herself.”
This Dad Just Couldn’t Keep It Together
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“When my dad is nervous, he throws up. The bigger the stress, the worse the vomiting. When my mom’s doctor said I needed to be induced, my dad threw up in the doctor’s office. My mom was admitted to the hospital, dad threw up driving her there and while she was being checked in. When the pushing started, my dad was in scrubs, mask, and a hat, throwing up in the background.
I got stuck, and two doctors and a team of staff were trying to get me out. My dad alternated between aggressively vomiting in a bucket and stroking my mom’s hair.
I popped out, and everything was fine. They put me in my dad’s arms as they worked on my mom. My dad threw up on me.”
She Couldn’t Believe Her Husband Had This Meal Without Her
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“We were about to sit down for dinner (spaghetti) when my wife went into labor. We grabbed the baby-bugout-bag and my sister-in-law and off we went to the hospital.
Ten hours later, no baby yet and I was starving. I drove the sister-in-law back to the house, and right there on the table was my glorious bowl of spaghetti. I smashed that stuff down and got seconds.
Back to the hospital I went. My wife was feeling pain now. I took two steps into the room, and she could smell it. She must be part bloodhound. She glared at me in a way that chilled me to the core, like a rabid, wounded animal. ‘You. Freaking. Ate? I’m birthing your freaking kid, and you’re eating spaghetti?’ I looked to the doctor for help, but he just shook his head in disappointment. That’s when I knew I done messed up.”
He Had Two Big Events Happen This Day
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“This was less about me being dumb, and more the judge being dumb.
I’m a cop, and I pressed charges against one of the regular town drinkers because he’d managed to slap me in the face while I wrangled him into the car. That was early in the pregnancy, so I thought nothing more of it until the trial got scheduled to the same time my wife was due with our first child.
Of course it wound up happening on the same day, and of course, the judge insisted on hearing my testimony. I called and said my wife and I were at the hospital having a baby, thinking they’d maybe postpone the trial. No such luck. ‘No problem’ the judge said. ‘We’ll just hold the trial at the hospital.’
What the heck?
The judge, the prosecutor, the defendant, and his lawyer all turned up at the maternity ward and asked to borrow an office for a few minutes. I had to leave my wife mid-labor in order to testify, truthfully enough, that his open-handed slap didn’t hurt and was right on the lower limit of what I bothered to report, just like I’d written in my report that they could have read instead. About halfway through my brief testimony, the head midwife entered the room and just stood there scowling at the judge until he declared the court session to be over.
On their way out, the defendant shook my hand and congratulated me. He got sentenced to 14 days in jail.
I then got back to my somewhat irate wife in time to see my son emerge into the world.”
His “Jokes” Made Her Weep
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“My husband would narrate stuff. Like when I was trying to put on shoes he’d start giving the play-by-play. Try to get up off the floor, he starts trying to call it, ‘Oh, here she goes; she’s almost got it now.’
He only got away with it a few times. When I’m pregnant I’m quite the crier. I would just start weeping that I couldn’t even put on my shoes or I couldn’t get up and no one would help me. To me, I felt all of it was terribly unfair, and he was picking on me. Now it’s funny. At the time? If I could have waddled over and smacked him I would have.”
It’s A Surprise She Hasn’t Divorced This Foul-Mouthed Husband Yet
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“Here are a few of the things my husband has said to me:
- ‘It can’t hurt. I can’t tell if you’re hurting, if something is wrong, or you are just looking for attention.’
- ‘Moo!’
- ‘Don’t use this as an excuse to sit on your behind.’
- ‘I mean I understand. I went to work with the flu once.’
- Comparing sciatica to the point I couldn’t walk for days to his arthritis.
- ‘I don’t want to take you to the store. What’s wrong with canned peas?’
I might just be too sensitive, but I could write a book on stuff he has said to hurt my feelings.”
Sometimes Life Doesn’t Go According To Plan
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“About three weeks before my son’s due date, my wife got the nesting urge. She knew she was being a little unreasonable, but she was stressed about it, so I complied to help her feel better.
So all weekend, I was doing every last thing, getting the nursery ready, re-arranging furniture for better flow with a crawling baby, and finally hanging two ceiling fans.
With both of them hung I had to tap out. I was out of gas, and thankfully my wife said that was ok. She was upset I wanted to stop but understood.
That’s when my body decided to be dumb and rebel. This pain that I had in my stomach area got worse. Like it started as a cramp and then all of a sudden its the worse pain imaginable. Like I can’t breathe from the pain in my sides and stomach, and there is no body position that makes it better.
So I go the hospital. After five hours in the ER, they tell me it could be a bunch of stuff, but they don’t run the imaging lab on Sunday nights at 11 pm. So I go home with a mitt full of prescriptions and an appointment for an ultrasound the next day.
The next morning the area is really sore and I have two attacks within an hour of being awake, so I decide to not go to work and keep my ultrasound appointment. My wife coincidentally had an appointment at the hospital related to her pregnancy.
At 1 am, I’m messaging my wife because they’ve just told me I need my appendix removed because it’s about to burst.
My wife found me and said that her tests showed a rare condition that means she’ll need an emergency C-Section.
So we cried from the stress, and she went home to get ready for her surgery the next day.
I had my appendix removed at 8 pm that night, and my wife had a c-section at 8 am the next day. Thankfully I was only two floors away, so I was able to walk down there and be there for my son’s birth.
Not how we wanted to start parenthood, but we all made it and we’re doing great.”
He Needed This Drive-Thru Run Before Going To The Hospital
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“I had worked 12-hour shifts for three days in a row. The night shift none the less.
I get home from work at 6:30 am, and I take the daughter to school. I come home, lie down in bed, and my wife turns to me and says…’I think today might be the day.’ I go to sleep for maybe 10 to 20 minutes. She says, ‘Oh my god my water broke!’ I tell her to get out of the bed so it isn’t totally wet.
On the way to the hospital, I turn to my wife and say, ‘Do you mind if I stop at McDonald’s?’
Suffice it to say, I got a Sausage Egg and Cheese McMuffin.
But, I still hear about it regularly!”
She Broke Down In Tears When He Backed Out Of His Plans
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“When I was about eight months pregnant, my husband’s friend came to town. They hardly ever get to see each other. My husband’s friend asked my husband if he wanted to go to a gentlemen’s club. My husband’s other friend was like, ‘Nooooooooo, don’t you dare ask your pregnant wife if you can go there!’
My husband is an idiot, so he asked anyway. I said, ‘I have to get up to pee for like the 2,849th time at 3 a.m. Can you be home by then with some tacos from Taco Bell and some French fries from Checkers?’
I was excited for this meal.
He decided he didn’t want to go because it didn’t feel right. I promptly burst into tears because that meant I wouldn’t get tacos and fries.”
He Just Had One Too Many Drinks
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“I used to homebrew frequently and had a couple taps at the house. I was kegging a batch and had a good bit left over, so I filled up a few one-liter soda bottles and used a carbonator cap to force carbonate them. About an hour later they’re cold and carbonated, so I partook.
Sixty-four ounces is four pints, which is nothing to sneeze at but is usually enough to put me in a good buzz, but not trashed. I still don’t know the mechanics behind it, but these particular 64-ounce drinks got me blackout trashed, and I passed out hard in bed.
My wife had been developing a scab on her forehead that a doctor misdiagnosed as a minor bacterial infection, and it was bugging her that night. As we later found out, it was shingles, which is apparently brutally painful and she couldn’t take much for pain meds due to the pregnancy. On top of that, my dumb butt was unintentionally smashed and not at all helpful. Had I been in any normal state we would have gone to the hospital, but she had to suffer through it.
I believe she gave me a couple good punches and called a physician friend to help figure out how to calm the pain down. I got a nasty hangover and a reminder for a while that I’m dumb. I still blame that magic super brew.”
She Had To Use Force To Make Sure This Dad Got The Hint
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“Apparently, while my mother was giving birth to me, early on into labor when it still wasn’t too painful, my dad went to go get something to eat very fast, with my mom basically saying, ‘Okay honey, you probably have a little while, no rush.’
So when my dad gets back, the contractions are worse, and my mom is barely holding it together because her pain meds have worn off. My dad, bless his heart, sees fit to start telling her about this amazing meal he just had. My mom just nods along and keeps nodding along. Then she finally grabs him by his BEARD, pulls him in, and says, ‘I don’t give a crap!’
I am told my dad shut his mouth after that.”
His Mouth Moved Quicker Than His Brain With This Compliment
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“My husband’s best/worst thing.
Me: ‘God, I look like a cow.’
Husband: ‘Well, you’d bring home the blue ribbon for sure!'”
Never Joke About a Pregnant Woman’s Feet
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“Late into my wife’s pregnancy, she developed preeclampsia. I learned that this is apparently fairly common, with one of the symptoms being swollen hands and feet. As she was feeling pretty uncomfortable in those final weeks, I thought I would try extra hard to make her laugh.
As we were hanging out one evening, and she had her feet elevated to help with the swelling. I noticed the lamp in the corner caused her feet to cast the most peculiar silhouette. Now I have made a lot of poor choices in my day, but proclaiming to your eight-plus-month pregnant wife that her ‘shadow-feet’ look just like a pair of Sketchers Shape-Ups, is quite possibly the worst of them.
Let’s just say she was not amused.”
This Father Would Use Force If Necessary
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“I was almost brought on as a court-martial, but it also coincided with the time that my second child was born. We were in the hospital, and the doctor had been an absolute dunderhead up to this point. He wouldn’t listen to my wife. He kept trying to get her to take an epidural, or to take whatever induction method they were peddling, then decided he wanted to check her dilation.
So he proceeded to try to manually open up the cervix rather than to just take the regular measurement estimate. She cried out, I said, ‘Hey doc, you are hurting her.’ He did it again, she screamed, and I came back hauling myself with him to the ground. The corpsman defused the situation, and they brought in another doctor.
The second doctor did exactly what my wife told him, which was to break her water, and 15 minutes later, my daughter was born.”
Both Of Them Couldn’t Believe The Words That Came Out Of His Mouth
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“I’m currently seven months pregnant. I was normal size and relatively athletic before being pregnant, so even though I’ve gained a normal amount of weight, I’m a little sensitive about it.
I asked him if I looked fat in something. He responded, ‘You’re pregnant; you’re SUPPOSED TO look fat.’ Watching the realization of what he just said hit him was almost worth the instant crying that came from me.”
His “Private” Form Of Entertainment Wasn’t So Private In This House
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“My cousin’s wife was pregnant with their first child and was downstairs in the kitchen, my cousin was in the bedroom. Being slightly aroused, he decided to put on some smut on his phone (figuring his wife wouldn’t be up for it) and forgot he had his phone synced up to his Bluetooth speaker set (which was downstairs).
He instantly caught on and turned it off, but hid in the bedroom for half an hour, then eventually came downstairs and when his wife asked him what he was doing, he blurted out in embarrassment ‘I watching smut, alright?'”
He Didn’t Feel The Need To Rush To The Hospital
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“When my mom was pregnant with me, her water broke at around 2 a.m. She woke up my dad saying he had to take her to the hospital. He then groaned, rolled out of bed, they went downstairs and he began making himself a sandwich saying ‘the baby isn’t popping out for another 12 or so hours, relax.’ I was the third child, so I guess he had a good idea about how long these things take.”
At Least She Knows He’s Not TRYING To Be Insulting
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“My husband and I went to Marshall’s clothing store to see if they had a maternity section, they didn’t.
Husband: ‘Isn’t plus-size the same thing?’
I was doing the roll to the side to get out of bed maneuver and he said, ‘Aww my little rolly poly.’ I started laughing and he’s lucky I wasn’t offended.
I’ve learned to just laugh it off as it comes from a place of not thinking before you speak, and also not knowing. I know his intentions aren’t to insult me.”