This story is from The Warlizard Chronicles: Adventures with Vodka, Women, & War which you can find here. It has been posted here with permission from the author.
Everyone has worked with someone they hated. Ivenever had a job where there wasnt someone who mademy life miserable, or whose very presence pissed me off,and now Im self-employed! Usually you just have toput up with them, but every once in a great while, youcan get even
Dave was a dick. Stoop-shouldered, balding, inhis 50s, Dave was a patronizing and irritating b*stard.Hed been at IBM his whole career, had been makinggood money, and hated contractors. He thought theywere bad for the company, that the only people worth ash*t were regular employees, and he made it hispersonal priority to f*ck with all of us. Nothing overt,but constant subtle pressure was put on everyone whosebadge said Contractor on it. I think he developed thisattitude from working with the guys from India,probably because they were so soft-spoken andaccommodating, but maybe he was just a racist. Idunno, but whatever the reason, he took everyopportunity to send us on little errands, wouldnt get back to us if we needed something, criticized anythingwe did and generally made our lives hell in a way thatcouldnt be directly protested.
I was pretty good friends with the guy sharing theroom with him, another full-time employee and one dayRobert called me up. War. Were going for coffee.
Um, ok, let me just finish up a few things.
You dont understand. We need coffee NOW!
Right. I headed over to his office and he met me about halfway there. His eyes were shining with glee but he wouldnt tell me what was going on until we had our coffee in the cafeteria. Once we finally had a table, he said, Ok. Daves a fetish wrestler!
Hes a fetish wrestler!
Dude, Ive got nothing. WTF is a fetish wrestler?
It turned out that there were men who pay women to wrestle them into submission. Some of them did it as a sort of hobby and others were extremely serious about it. Dave was one of the latter. Several times a year, hed tell his wife he was meeting up with old Army buddies but went to Fetish Wrestling conventions instead. They were highly organized, had rings set up for use, referees to score the matches and everything. I never quite understood the need for refs, but hey, its not my fetish. There were web pages devoted to the women who were available to wrestle and Daves favorite was a woman named Red Robin. She was a tiny little woman who was an absolute beast and he paid her thousands of dollars every time hed go to one of these conventions for her to wrestle him for about 20 minutes per match. We went back to my office and pulled up Red Robins website.
Why does he pay this woman to wrestle him? Shes ugly as hell. Do they f*ck after?
He says no.
Let me get this straight Dave lies to his wife, flies out to California to have an ugly woman named Red Robin wrestle him into submission, pays her $400 per match, and DOESNT f*ck her?
I went on to the main wrestling site and started reading Daves posts. And there were a ton of them. He talked in great detail and depth about the sport, had invented his own move, called the Twisted Ostrich, and told stories about amazing matches hed won and lost.
Look, Im all about peoples private lives remaining private, and I probably wouldnt have done anything if he hadnt so consistently been a f*ck to me. But he had, so game on! I registered a fake account under the name Sue_Plex on the wrestling web site and started corresponding with him.
I started by asking him some technical questions about the Twisted Ostrich, but it wasnt long until he started asking me personal questions. As time went by, I fleshed out the character so within about a month he had become quite good friends with Miss Plex. I told him I was a late-20s single lawyer living in D.C. My marriage had ended because my husband just didnt understand my interest in such a harmless sport. It was so nice to talk to someone like him who really understood me.
It was unbelievably satisfying. Every time hed send me on some stupid errand, Id think of how he was confessing his private life to the character Id created. Oh, and he lied his a*s off. He dropped a good ten years and his wife somehow. Finally, he asked for a picture. Well, Id already downloaded a whole set of a girl who looked about that age, and the photos didnt look professional. I started with a simple one and he gushed about how hot I was. Over the next few weeks, I sent him more and more photos, each more revealing than the last, until the girl was fully nude, but didnt look posed.
He started trying to be really sexy, and started talking about how the best way to end a good wrestling match was with sex. Hold the phones! Hed told Robert that there wasnt any sex at the matches! I probed a bit and he finally admitted he had sex with the girls he wrestled.
I f*cking knew it!
They were hookers working a special kind of crowd. It made more sense he was spending 400 bucks per match. I amped up the sexy talk too, including wrestling into it. It was gold.
He was hooked. His work slowed down, he became obsessed with Sue_Plex and quite frankly, my work suffered as well, having to answer all his notes. Fortunately, he didnt notice because he was too busy sending off love letters. Now it was driving me nuts, because here was this creepy 50ish guy who was still giving me a daily ration of sh*t but was secretly having an online affair with a character Id created. Robert and I had a ton of fun f*cking with the poor guy, but one day, he called me up again War. Coffee. Now.
At the cafeteria he told me that Dave had another Army reunion coming up and we should see if we could get him to come to D.C. to meet Sue instead. Hmmmm. Genius! I sent Dave an email and said we should get together some time. Boom. In a flash, he responded that he had been thinking the same thing and had some time off in a few weeks. Would I be interested in him coming to visit?
Yes. Yes I would.
As Sue, I arranged to meet him in D.C. at local hotel. As the day approached, Dave became more and more excited and f*cked with us less and less. He still tried, but the conviction and heat wasnt there anymore. Robert and I were going nuts, having to act like nothing was going on while Dave prattled on about how happy he was to hook up with his old Army buddies, what a fun trip it would be, how he was hoping he didnt get pinned down by the snow, etc. I guess he thought he was being clever, but since we already knew the entire story, it just came across as pathetic.
He left early on a Friday to catch his flight, smiling like a champ.
Tuesday morning, he showed up looking like his best friend had died. We asked what was wrong and he tried to play it off like he was just tired from his long weekend, but as soon as he could, he sent Sue a message asking what the hell had happened and why hadnt she showed up? We waited to respond until after lunch. He was a basket case. Finally we fired back a furious message that wed called his house on Friday just to leave him a message and some WOMAN ANSWERED! We said wed pretended to give her a survey and we knew about his wife and 4 kids. So hed been lying to us all along. Basically, we went batsh*t crazy on him. We told him if he ever tried to contact us again, wed tell his wife everything. We waited for him to get the email, watched him surreptitiously read it and then we watched him have a meltdown.
He started sweating like crazy, called his wife to check on her, and finally left early. He was never the same after that. He pretty much stopped messing with contractors and kept to himself. We never sent him any more emails and he never sent any to Sue. My contract ended not too long after that and that was the last I heard of him.
It couldnt have happened to a nicer guy.