1. Was on a picnic, he caught a fly with his hand. I must have looked impressed, so he followed it by throwing a shoe and hitting a nearby seagull.
Note: The Seagull was sitting, minding its business, and was struck while running away from the shoe missile.
2. She made fun of the mentally handicapped.
3. Completely ignore me and latch on to any guy that wasn’t me within a 3-foot radius.
4. In the 6th grade I tied our shoelaces together to be cute and to have an excuse to be close to her. Eventually when she had to leave, we discovered I tied the knot too tight and she ended up chewing through one of the laces to get out. She looked so stupid doing it that I just stopped liking her.
5. She was a lesbian and I am a guy. So, I couldn’t be a lesbian.
6. Replied most texts with “oh thats cool” or some other combination of words that added nothing to the conversation. And I had common friends with her so I knew she was interested.
7. Played games. Games as in acting hot/cold (in/out, if you will). Instant turn-off.
8. She told me about her fantasy of wanting to kill her dad by cutting off his balls and watching him bleed to death.
9. Tried using my interest in her as a way to convert me to her Pentecostal sect.
10. She was going to a party and I said “you seem pretty unenthusiastic about going.”
She replied with “don’t use big words.”
11. Showed up rolling on molly to our first official date. It was a Tuesday.
12. He made fun of the way a deaf kid sounded when he was speaking. As someone whose siblings and my mom are hearing impaired, I just couldn’t get over it.
13. Asked me to tutor him in calculus, then at the tutoring time tried to fire up his online midterm to have me take the test for him instead of actually learning the material.
14. He said he didn’t like girls with big boobs. I have big boobs. I figured that was a sign he wasn’t interested.
15. Invited her home from my university. I was having a little party with some of my high school friends and introduced her to all of them. Everything went south when alcohol was consumed. She began to hit on every one of my guy friends. She even tried to make out with several of them. All of my friends knew I had a crush on her, so she was getting nothing back. She then turns to me and says, “I know you have a crush on me, but I think it would be better if we just stayed friends for now.” Ouch!! She then follows that with, “You wanna make out?” Even in my drunken state I knew that move. Let’s just destroy your self-confidence and then give you a glimmer of hope that’ll never amount to anything.
16. We were making out and he burped INTO my mouth.
17. So back in middle school, I had a crush on this girl named Sarah. We talked a few times nothing serious happened. Then one day, at recess, she went up to me and said “hey, can I tell you something” So, I said yeah, half expecting a compliment. She then replied, “you are ugly” Lets just say I didn’t like her anymore.
18. He got his hair cut kinda short and I discovered a HUGE, fleshy, hairy, pink MOLE. It was so, so, so gross. I was like 16 and I avoided him until his hair grew back. We’re married now.
19. Got asked out by a cute guy wearing a leather motorcycle jacket, probably mid 20’s, while I was waitressing. He was taking his Dad out to lunch at the time – I thought, oh how nice, tough and sensitive! He picked me up for coffee, showed up with a Hannah Montana T-shirt, spent the first 20 minutes talking about how he was home-schooled and loved that he still lived with his parents, and how hanging out with his Mom was better than going to college. Damn did I read that vibe wrong.
20. It wasn’t our 1st date, but our 1st date at a restaurant, he was intolerably rude to the waiter. The waiter never even did anything wrong, he was just treating the poor guy like a worthless slave. Left date at restaurant and never called him again.
21. My freshman year of college, I had a huge crush on a guy in my intro programming class. We sat beside each other, and while I could complete the exercises easily, he was visibly struggling. So, I offered to tutor him after hours. He got upset that a girl was better at “computer stuff” than him and dropped the class.
22. Being a flake. I was going to meet up with a girl at a bar one night. Drove all the way across the city (Los Angeles, so it’s not a quick drive). When I got there and didn’t see her I called her. No answer. I texted her. No answer. I hung around for a little while until she finally texted me back telling me that she left. I did not try to see her again. Well, I did and she flaked some more and then I finally stopped. I was not a confident man.
23. Introduced me to her son. She and I were both 14 and her son was about a year old at the time.
24. Not really a crush, but a few weeks ago, I was at the dog park and a guy came up to flirt with me. I was mildly interested until he started telling this bizarre story about how he used to have a rabbit but got tired of it and threw it out into the backyard for his Rottweiler. Then he kept looking at me expectantly, as if I were supposed to join in with my own story of murdering a house pet. I just stood there blinking stupidly until he said, “So, you wanna ditch your dog and go see a movie with me?”
Nah, I’m good.
25. We were at dinner one night. The conversation wasn’t flowing particularly smoothly. The bill came and I reached for it. He thanked me and said he’d get it next time, that he had left his wallet at home. When we hugged, his wallet fell out of his coat. I saw at least a 50-dollar bill in there. He turned beat red, quickly got into his car and sped off.
26. Crush: “It’s really unattractive for men to ever show emotion.” Sorry, but I’m not a robot.
27. Said he’s the antichrist and asked me to join his harem. I wish I were making that up.
28. Pretended to date another guy just to see if I would get jealous. Then got angry when I wasn’t.
29. I liked a girl while I was in college. She was nice, smart, liked cars, and was fun to hang out with. She had a boyfriend. I thought she would be a great person to be with. Fast forward to senior year. In a roundabout way, I find out she had given hand jobs to several of my fraternity brothers, to the point where it was known that it was “her move.” She also was sneaking off with my roommate and sleeping with him. She had a boyfriend and he had a girlfriend. Just totally ruined my image of her and completely made me lose interest.
30. Bad nose breath. Seriously, who has bad nose breath? And she was taller than me, just breathing heartily down from her nose.
31. She professed a desire to see the Middle East, turned explosive right after trying to talk me into going to her church. I wasn’t interested in either her, or her goofy religion after that.
32. She started seeing some other guy. Tramp. She’s married and has a kid now. Show’s over.
33. He was in my peer-editing group in our writing class, and I realized he was an idiot.
34. The only time I’ve ever instantly lost interest in a girl I had a crush on was when I overheard her talking about how she already had a boyfriend. And was wondering how she should tell her other boyfriend about it.
35. Started to like me back…. Eew
36. I had my first crush in high school. Late bloomer, I know. She started sleeping with her best friend’s father. It turned me right off.
37. I can usually make people laugh with ease. One cute girl was very impressed so impressed she started trying to make me laugh as well. She was not funny, and it was alarming how quickly she would try to reflect the qualities of the people she was hanging out with at the moment.
38. He said “I don’t read books, ever, at all.”
39. I stood by the window watching a couple of doves, and said out loud how much I enjoy the chattering sounds they make. He responds by coming up behind me and say “I wish I had a gun so I could shoot them!”
40. She told me she was getting married. After we kissed.