My friend sent me the post, it was two girls, looking for two guys to sleep with before they went on vacation with their families. We were really sketched out, but it seemed legit, so we went over. W sat around very awkwardly for a little bit and then things split up into one of the girls bedrooms and the couch. I wore a condom the entire time, but I always have a hard time finishing if I have one on. So brilliant 19 year old me, takes it off and finished. We left.

I was in Tucson AZ, trying to sort my life out, and I wanted to make new friends, so I posted in the strictly platonic section explaining who I was and that I was looking for a pal or two. After a few days I get some responses and everything seems cool. The 4th response was an attractive female. She was right up my alley, but since it was the platonic section, I wasn’t expecting anything to come of it. Anyway, we meet up at the duck pond and we’re chatting it up and things are going smooth, almost too smooth. I wasn’t even laying groundwork, just being a friendly dude, and she was moving in on me, moving in fast. I say why not, and roll with it, and we end up at her place.

As soon as I walk in, I see terrariums. Seriously, all over her house were tanks of snakes and I’m not talking about a snake enthusiast with around 4-5 pets. Im talking full on snake breeder for the sake of keeping them as her minions and taking over the world.

Anyway we do the deed and it was hardly enjoyable considering I was watching all around me for her to command the boas to hold me down so she could rip my head off and feed me to her friends. As I lay there and say its getting late and I should roll out, I hear someone coming into the apartment, so I ask her if she has a roommate.

“No, well yes… Sorta”

In a moment I’ve got my shoes in my hands and my shirt slung over my shoulder, bolting for the window when she says this:

“No no, its not what you think.”

I relax a little bit, hoping to hear her say it was her brother or some other relative, as long as they wouldn’t hurt me for banging the snake queen.

I’m crapping myself. I head again for the window when this burly lumberjack beast of a bear man walks right into the room, and continues to the bathroom to get something, all the while I’m standing there in my boxers with my pants around my ankles and my shirt over my shoulder.

He emerges from the bathroom about 5 seconds later with one hand behind is back and I’m sure its all over, but I’m frozen solid with fear and can’t move an inch. He speaks:

“Hey dude”

I respond “H-h-hey”

He advances toward me and the chick is freaking out about her snakes like “Don’t hurt my babies Chad!! You be careful in here!” and he pulls from behind his back the metal curtain rod he ripped from the wall in the bathroom. I boogie. I dash for the window as quick as you can with your pants around your ankles and try to crawl out. He swings that rod and whips it over my butt just as I fall out into the yard.

I throw my shoes on and pull my pants up with a speed comparable to that of Captain Falcon. I jump fences until I don’t recognize where I am or how long I’ve been running. I call my sister from a payphone and get her to pick me up.

Never using Craigslist to meet people again.

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This isn’t exactly Craigslist related, but still a funny story. Back before widespread internet usage, I used a website bulletin board and met local people that way. On there, I met a girl playing a door game. We got to chatting and we agreed to meet. This was a scary thing (but I didn’t know it) as I was only 14 and this was in 1994.

We arranged to meet at the local mall, in the arcade. I show up early and wait. She told me she was 17 and pillowy. The girl did have a shining online personality, so I decided to go ahead and talk to her. We walked around the mall for a bit and she said she wanted to get some food. She literally got 9 things from Taco Bell and didn’t offer to get me anything. After watching her gorge herself, she pulled out her wallet.

She showed me her drivers license and confessed that she was actually 26. After the drivers license she showed me business cards from bondage places and sex stores and said she liked to shop there. I was getting scared. She asked if I wanted to see her car. I was thinking alright, maybe she’s got a nice car and well, that will be a good way to get out of this situation, we’ll be in the parking lot and I can say I have to go.

She’s parked WAY out and her car is a beat up old Ford Escort or something like that… different color doors, a real piece of crap. I was like, “Is that really your car?” She said “do you want to see the inside?” I said “I can see it from here,” and then she said “do you want to see the back seat?” I ran as fast as I could from her and hid behind a dumpster until my dad picked me up an hour and a half later.

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Several years ago I was bored and horny so I looked on the casual ads and found one for a decent looking girl, close to my age, and not looking for anything serious. I email her and she replies back quickly. She sends her number so I call and we chat a bit. We set a time for me to come have some beers at her place, which is about 20 minutes from me.

I get there at the set time and she’s pretty cute. We sit on her bed and have some beers listening to music. After a few we start messing around and she’s going down on me when I hear a loud pounding from the other room. I ask if she’s expecting anyone and she says no. The pounding continues so she goes to answer the door.

I hear talking, then crying, so I pull up my pants and walk out there expecting to get yelled at or hit by a boyfriend or something. Turns out it’s a sheriff’s deputy and the girl is in handcuffs. They were on a warrant sweep and she had an outstanding warrant for her arrest.

The deputy told me where I could pick her up and I just nodded. As she was being loaded into the back of his car she looks at me and says “See you soon” and I said “Ok” and I drove home.

I met a cool girl I was talking to on Craigslist, who was from Florida, for a few months but she was engaged to a guy in Missouri. He had moved up there about 6 months before to get a house set up and a job so he could move her there. What she didn’t know was that her fiancee was actually shacked up with another girl in Missouri and was just stringing her along until he got around to leaving her. And because I knew this I felt it was alright to try and get some action from her cause hell he was getting some on the side so she might as well too.

A week before I was to come met her she calls me up crying saying that she doesn’t have any money and they are about to cut off her power. She asks me if I can loan her $500 until I come down and then she can repay me. I say sure and I wire her the cash. This is a foreshadowing of things to come.

My parents were going on a cruise the same week I was going to fly down so we decided to leave on the same day and I would come back on the same day they returned from their trip. So we all go to the airport and I fly to Fort Lauderdale. I was going to get a rental car but she had said that I wouldn’t need one because she could come get me and take me back when I needed to leave. For any of you ever thinking of meeting an internet person take it from me when I say.. ALWAYS HAVE YOUR OWN WAY OF GOING! Again foreshadowing here.

He sits my stuff in the back of the car as go around and hug her. Yep, still as hot as the pictures she sent me for sure, hottest girl ever. She’s wearing a white and pink trimmed sun dress that shows off everything. I grin from ear to ear as she opens the door for me and closes the door for me. I am already getting a weird vibe from the 2 of them but dismiss it.. they are just being friendly is all.

As we drive back to her house her step-father says that they need gas and so he stops in at a gas station. He asks me if I want anything to drink. I say no and turn around and start talking to her as he pumps gas. When the tank is full he opens the door and says..””Ok it’s 35 bucks.”” then stares at me. I stare back at him and then she leans up and whispers in my ear “”Can you pay for it? I can give it back to you when we get home.”” I look at her angrily and pull out my money and give him 40 bucks. They both stare at the cash in my hand and I hastily stuff it back into my pocket.

Another note for internet travellers… NEVER SHOW HOW MUCH MONEY YOU HAVE TO ANYONE. NOT EVEN THE PERSON YOU HAVE COME TO SEE.

When he comes back out to the car he has a gallon of milk and some bread. I hold out my hand for my change but he just smiles and hands me the milk and bread. I don’t say a word I just take the stuff and sit there and with a deadpan stare out the window.

We ride for a good hour into the middle of no where. I haven’t seen a store in 20 mins and no houses in the past 10. I’m getting a little nervous when we finally cut onto a dirt road. It’s a trailer park. I just sit and watch as the rundown, destitute homes go by. I have a sick gnawing feeling in my gut but I don’t say anything. It is then that I realize that no one actually knows where I am. Only thing my parents know is I went some where near Ft. Lauderdale. They are on a cruise and even if I wanted to call them I have no idea how to actually get a hold of them.

I turn to the girl and say… “”I thought we were going to your place?”” She smiles and says..””We are here. I live with my parents now. After Tim (that’s the ex’s name btw) left I couldn’t afford my own place any more so I had to move back in with my mother and her husband.”” I don’t say another word as I get out of the car. I have officially stepped into the twilight zone.

Her mom maneuvers her way across the porch, which groans and shakes, and makes her way down the steps. I am just stunned silent as she approaches me. “”Hello there young man. It’s so good of you to come and stay with us for a while. I am sure we will make you feel right at home for as long as you are here.”” And she gives me this ugly smile. I smile weakly and shake her clammy rotund hands and say “”Thanks for having me ma’am.”” She turns around and leads me into the house.

Nothing could have prepared me for this scene. When you walk in the front door you come into the kitchen/living room. There is a hall way to the left and a door to a bedroom to the right. What was once brown shag carpet is a faded distant memory. What has taken it’s place is a stained torn mess of holes and what appears to be dried s— in piles every where. The furniture is broken down old stuff that is so dirty you can’t really tell the over all color of it. There are dozens of ashtrays everywhere piled full of cigarette butts and ashes. The ceiling is also dirty from the years of smoke that had built up on it. The kitchen sink is over flowing with dishes that look like they haven’t been washed in months. There is a crock pot on the counter that has mold growing out of it and down the sides. There appears to be a pile of trash in on corner that has been there so long that it has actually rotted a hole through the floor and fell through and they have just piled the hole full. Cockroaches the size of small rats scurry around and over everything in the kitchen.

As I turn towards the bedroom I can see through the door and see an old cast iron bed that is wired to the wall. Clothes are pile ceiling high on the far wall and on the side closest to the door there is a night stand with ashes and cigarette butts beside it at least 2 ft high. The night stand is covered with what appears to be old food bowls and glasses.

I turn and look down the hall way. I can see 3 doors down the hall way and all three are closed. The walls are all dirty and cob webs are every where. There is no flooring of any kind down the hall way.. just bare gypsum board.

See one thing about me is that I can’t stand filth. Sure my house gets little dirty sometimes but I never let it go more than 3 days before i have to start cleaning. I couldn’t even guesstimate how many years it had been since this little s—storm had been even straightened up much less cleaned.

“So what do you think? I know it’s not much but it’s all my mom can afford on her disability check. My step dad fishes a lot but doesn’t make much money either.” “I’m speechless.” I say, cringing, as I brush a pile of clothes. “Yeah I know it’s bad but it’ll be ok.” She then proceeds to make me forget all about the house and anyone else in it. She starts getting louder and louder, to the point of apocalyptic heretic screaming, and I just know any minute her parents are gonna come busting in but they never come back there. Never in all the times I had sex in that room did they ever come back there.

When we are done I ask to use the bathroom. She tells me it in the next room. I go in there and take a piss. I go to flush and nothing happens. I call her in there and she informs me I must now go outside to the well and draw a bucket of water from the well to flush with. That’s right, they have no running water either! So out I go and draw the water like I had to do when I was a kid and go back and flush the commode. As I walk through the house her step-dad just stares at me and grins while her mother gives me the evil eye. I was so uncomfortable and hurried through both times.

When it was time for supper I was informed that unless I wanted fish they had caught that morning and other stuff they could rustle up I would have to buy them all dinner. So I bought us dinner from a KFC on down the road cause there was NO WAY IN HELL I was gonna eat ANYTHING fixed in that place

As I sat on her bed and waited for her step dad to come back with food I noticed something. I had taken my shoes off when I had sex with her but had left my socks on. They were BLACK. That’s right walking from the bedroom to the living room and back again in my white socks had turned the bottoms of them black and sticky. I almost retched again as I yanked them off and put my shoes back on. I went in search of my suitcase and found it on the couch. When I went to pick it up a flea jumped on my arm! They also were infested with fleas!

I went back to the bedroom and just laid down and closed my eyes. How in the hell had I gotten myself into this I wondered. All in the pursuit of sex

3 days I stayed there and everyday was the same. I stayed in her room laying on the bed and when she wanted to have sex, we did. When I started talking about getting ready to leave she brought her friend over and we had a couple three ways so that I would stay longer. After 2 nights of that I had decided I had had enough. I was dirty, I was tired. Not even sex with 2 beautiful women could keep me there any longer. I told Jamie that on my 5th night there and she left the room.

A few minutes later, her step-dad came back into the room and said i wasn’t going any where. I had told them I was going to stay with them for a week and he was gonna see I stayed for that long and maybe even longer; that Jamie and I had made a commitment to each other and he wasn’t going to let me just walk away from that. Furthermore I owed him $800 for the 5 nights I had stayed and I couldn’t leave until that was paid anyway.

I lay on the bed and just stared at the ceiling. Jamie came back in and lay down beside me. As I stared at the ceiling an idea came to me. I would wait until tonight and I would sneak out and get a ride from someone into town and then I would go to the airport and trade me ticket in for an earlier flight and go home. I decided to have one more go at Jamie before I left.

After we were through she left the room. I bought dinner again that night and said I was tired and went to bed. I laid there until I heard her start snoring. I then opened on of the windows and crept out. I ran out to the road and flagged down a car. They just happened to be going to Ft. Lauderdale and gave me a lift. I got to the airport and traded my ticket in for an earlier flight. The flight didn’t leave for another hour so I decided to go to the bathroom and change clothes and get some food, but when I reached into my suitcase to get out my secret stash of cash I found it all gone. I had put $800 in cash as a just in case fund and now it was all gone. I had $25 and that was it.

When my flight landed I just sat in the airport for 26 hours. The pain in my gut was so bad that I was delirious sometimes. I finally called my girlfriend, whom I was separated from, and she came and took me home. I was emotionally and physically exhausted. The next day I went to the doctor because I felt like s—, turns out I was dehydrated. I had to stay in the hospital for days on IV to recoup from the event.

The hospital stay cost $1000, and, including plane tickets, money they stole form me, and the $500 I loaned her, the trip cost me over $2000. For a piece of a–, a couple threesomes, and a week vacation in the hospital…

Totally worth it.”

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