The Lie That Shut Down The School
“My first year walking to school alone was the 7th grade and I was late a lot. It got to a point that the teachers told me I would have to do all the days chores (putting chairs down in the morning, wiping boards clean, cleaning after lunch, putting away chairs and supplies etc), if I was late again.
Well the next day I was running late as usual. Being a lazy kid that I was, I knew I had to do something to get out of doing the daily chores. So when the teacher asked me why I was late, I thought back on the assembly we had a few weeks prior on school safety. So I told the teacher that a strange man pulled up to me when I was coming into school grounds and asked me to come with him to see some puppies.
I honestly thought that would be a good enough excuse and it would be the end of it. NOPE. School was suspended for the rest of the day, police were called, and my parents were called in. I was interviewed for the entire day. I had to describe the man, the car, everything. They ended up hiring a security officer for the grounds because of that incident and put in a few new cameras. We had quarterly school assemblies because of it too.
And it was all for nothing. Because less than a week later, I was late again and had to do all the daily chores.”
He Couldn’t Face The Shame
“I failed my final year at university but couldn’t face the shame of telling my parents. So I told them I passed. They wanted to go to my graduation ceremony so I faked an illness and said I wouldn’t be able to attend. This was so they wouldn’t book flights. Then at the last second I told them I was feeling better and would attend. I got my buddy’s graduation photo and got my face photoshopped in to his. I sent this to my folks, where they framed it. 15 years later, it’s still on their living room wall.
Obviously, I had to re-take the final year but couldn’t ask my folks for money. So I just said I was going to stay and look for work whilst I plan my career. I worked my rear off that summer to save every cent I would need for the upcoming year. I got a bank loan and maxed some credit cards. My final year was really, really tough as I had to work evenings and weekends to pay rent, food, and tuition. I passed though.
I went to my real graduation ceremony and felt really sad I couldn’t tell my parents they could attend because I didn’t want to tell them I lied.”
They Broke Mom’s Only Rule
“When I was 13-14, I was kicking a soccer ball around inside the house. I used to love running around the house dribbling cutting in and out around the furniture. My mom would get on to me repeatedly about it, saying it was only a matter of time before something broke.
One day she leaves to run to the store right after scolding me about ‘that darn ball.’ Me being me, as soon as she leaves I naturally start dribbling around and end up accidentally kicking the ball through a window pane, shattering the window. Glass everywhere. I start freaking out because this was literally my mom’s only rule. So being the smart 13-year-old, and realizing I have close to 5 minutes to fix the situation before it all turns to chaos.
My genius idea is to scoop up all of the glass that was kicked outside and throw it back INSIDE, to make it look like I was playing with the ball OUTSIDE– not inside. I figured she would be much less upset at me if I was playing outside in the yard. I vacuumed all of the loose glass inside and sat on a bench outside until she came back. I played it off perfectly. My plan worked effortlessly. I should’ve just blamed it on my brother in hindsight.”
The Benefits Of Having A Landline
“When I was a teenager I had a group of friends who liked to just drive around and do dumb things. My mom would always wait up but since she’s the type who prefers to fall asleep around 9:00 pm, so she was pretty groggy by the time curfew rolled around. One night, I looked at the clock and was going to be late, so I called home. Keep in mind this was back in the 90s and we had a landline phone. I also had an extension in my room. Mom answered and without thinking, this is what went down.
Me: ‘Oh, I’ve got the phone, mom. It’s for me. You can go to sleep. Sorry if it woke you up.’
Mom: ‘You’re home?’
Me: ‘Yeah… Have been for a while. Sorry, I thought you were asleep. G’night mom.’
To which she grumbled and fell back asleep.
I snuck in a few hours later through the back sliding door.
I did this a few more times throughout high school. It’d never work now because of cell phones.”
A Joke That Went Too Far
“My best friend has a funny, cool older brother named Jason. We all went to church together and eventually me and my buddy got old enough for youth group where Jason was.
Well, the first time I ever met my youth pastor, Jason turns to me and says ‘Hey make up a fake name and just roll with it.’ The youth pastor was similar to Jason in that they both were big jokesters so I shook his hand and said, ‘Hi, I’m Derick Johnson’ (which is not my real name). He welcomed me and then left to prepare his lesson. Obviously my buddies and I lose it and burst out laughing as soon as he walks away.
Soon enough, he starts his lesson and I’m waiting until after to tell him I’m not Derick Johnson. Well as I’m about to break the news, Jason stops me and convinces me to keep it going. He says it’ll fade out eventually.
It did not. We got super into it and eventually it became natural. Two entire years spent of conditioning myself to only respond to ‘Derick’ when called by people at church and my real name everywhere else. We would go on a bunch of field trips to various places including Disney where my ticket even said Derick Johnson on it.
One day we were paint balling and me and my pastor began talking about life. He asked what my dad does for a living and I talked about the software distribution company he works for. Apparently 25 years ago my youth pastor ALSO worked for the same company… and sat next to my dad who he plays golf with regularly.
That was quite a moment to get caught in.”
Fake It ‘Til You Make It
“I was interviewing for a bunch of exclusive private high schools. During one of my interviews, the lady asked what worldly current events I cared about. I froze and couldn’t think of any news story at all. I paused and just said ‘the war’ and BURST out crying uncontrollably because I had nothing else to say on the matter except ‘it sucks.’ So I am crying and the lady goes, ‘Oh no! Sweetheart, do you know someone overseas?’
And I just nodded and she apologized profusely.
When it came time for my parents to join us in the interview, she told my parents she was sorry about our family member fighting in Iraq. They just looked at her and nodded and didn’t say anything. They had no idea what she was talking about.
Anyway, this woman fell in love with me and said I was such a uniquely compassionate 13 year old. She ended up calling our house the night we were supposed to tell them if I would attend or not. I felt bad, but I ended up somewhere else.”
The Crop Duster
“I am a lawyer. I was working for a consulting firm and had an overly flatulent coworker. The issue was that he was, admittedly, lactose intolerant. He would, however, get a McDonalds shake or carton of milk every morning before work. He would giggle like a little girl and crop dust everyone. Sometimes just walk up, bend over and fart right next to a seated coworker.
Being fed up with him literally farting in my face, I told him that if he continued that I would perform a citizen’s arrest and charge him with felony assault. He said that wasn’t possible so I told him that it was. That his ‘farticles’ were making an unwanted touching of my body, that touch was intentional by him and the distress it was causing was enough to raise it to the level of a felony. Still doubting it, I told him that for a citizen’s arrest, all I need is to be a witness to the felonious action and swear out a statement when I take him to the police station. I warn him that I will do it if he farts on near or around anyone in the office anymore.
It lasted about a year before someone finally broke it to him that I was lying. He came back and called me out and started his farting antics again. This time I told him ‘Fine, you figured out my lie. But believe this, if you fart on me again, I won’t have you arrested, but I will punch you in the face.’ Then I promptly went to HR and told them everything including my threat to hit him. He transferred to a new office a few weeks later.”
The Book Is Always Better Than The Movie
Warner Bros.
“In 7th Grade English, we had a project to pick any long novel, read it and present a book report to the class with a Q&A. I picked The Shining, and had I given it a shot I would have realized it’s a page turner, but to 7th grade me it just looked like a long book that was not as fun as video games.
The teacher set aside a few minutes of each class for us to just sit and read our book. Leading up to the deadline, she noticed that I hadn’t read very much, and kept badgering me that I needed to be reading more at home. I kept assuring her that I’m a fast reader and I’d catch up quickly and get it done.
Cut to the day before my presentation: I still hadn’t read much. I, of course, rented the movie instead. I watched it TWICE just to be sure.
I did my presentation and was as vague about the plot as I could get away with. I threw in some crap about my opinions on Stephen King’s writing style that I looked up on the internet. I took questions from my classmates. No problem.
However, my teacher appeared skeptical this whole time. I mean, there’s a very popular movie based on this book, and I was not on pace to have any chance at finishing this thing. It didn’t take a genius to be suspicious. At the end of our presentation, we had to let her ask us a question and I was really nervous. Finally, I ask her for her question.
Teacher: ‘Yes, I was wondering if you could tell us some of the major differences between the book and the movie.’
CRAP! My heart sank for a just a moment, and then I came up with it:
‘I’m sorry, I don’t know…..I never saw the movie.’
I am terrible at thinking on my feet, so I’m proud of that moment.”
What Happened To The Table?
“When I was 14, I was at a Boy Scout camp for a week, and me and a few of my friends were playing tag around our camp. One of our heavier members ran over to the camp table and jumped onto the bench. It broke the nails and the table completely fell apart.
We tried to put it back together before the leaders got back from whatever meeting they were at, but we were running out of time, so instead, we got the camp ax and broke the table apart. Then we spread it out in the woods as far away from our camp as we could, then we found a camp site who’s troop wasn’t there and stole their table.
A few hours later the troop stopped by asking if we had seen their table. We never told anyone.”
The Highlight Of The Trip
“I was on a trip with my then girlfriend/now wife to the twin cities. We are nerdy/history people. We were going to take a tour of a local historical house later that day ,but had some time to kill. We actually parked in the lot for St. Paul’s Cathedral. I really had to pee so I convinced my wife that the church would likely be open to the public and would have easily accessible bathrooms.
When we walk in the front doors there’s a group of a few dozen people just standing there. They all turn to look at us. I felt like we did something wrong just by being there. Then someone at the head of the group speaks up, ‘Hey, are you here for the tour? We’ve been waiting for you!’
I have no idea what’s going on but I decide to play along. ‘Yes,’ I respond, ‘Sorry we’re late. But do you mind if I use the restroom first?’
They agreed and we got a private, guided tour of the whole cathedral including the crypts below. It ended up being the highlight of the trip. No idea what that group was or if we were supposed to have paid or what.”
Sounds Like They Both Had The Same Secret
“A couple years ago, I started seeing a therapist I didn’t want my parents to know about. I was 18 so I didn’t need them to sign on, and I paid out of pocket with money from a part-time job I had. My brother and I shared a car but since he was at college out of town it was effectively mine, and I used it to get to my therapist’s office.
I went to my appointments at the same time every week and told my mom that I was going out with some friends for bingo night at a local pizza parlor. Since I actually did have a history of going out to play board games with friends this didn’t raise any suspicion.
One day about a month into this I walk out of my appointment to see my mom’s car parked next to mine. I think ‘Crap. It’s over now, I gotta tell her’ and walk over. She’s standing by her car when I walk over, I’m not sure if she saw me come out of the building but I think she must have.
She said something to the effect of ‘Hey, what are you doing here?’
I said something like ‘uh…’
She goes ‘Did you come out here to be alone?’
So I just went with it; put on a sheepish face and said something like ‘Yeah, pretty much.’
She says ‘Yeah, I come out here too when I need to cry sometimes.’
I didn’t know what to say to that so I gave her a hug, drove off to run some other errands, then went home.
She never brought it up again, and I continued seeing that therapist for 7 months with no one the wiser. I have no idea how my mom didn’t pick up on it then, writing this I wonder if maybe she did she just didn’t want to confront me about it or something. But then again I doubt it, my mom can be pretty oblivious. Still, for those 8 months, no one knew I was seeing anyone or (from what I know) suspected anything.”
When You Really Hate Tomatoes
“I hate tomatoes.
I don’t remember when it started but sometime at a young age I started telling people I was allergic to tomatoes so people wouldn’t try to make me eat them. People who love tomatoes really want to share them. Even worse, old aunts and uncles were on a mission to get me to love tomatoes. So a lie about being allergic to them started. My mom more or less supported me or at least never made me tell the truth. She was okay with me not eating them, but always tried to get me to eat beets. No thanks.
Keep in mind all this time I am telling everyone I’m allergic to tomatoes, I’m eating red sauce pasta, salsa, ketchup, etc.
When I was around 25, I was sitting around a fire talking about stuff with some people including my mom. We ended up in an arguement about whether I was allergic to tomatoes or not. She was on the side that I was. I was trying to convince her of the truth.”
Some Lies Turn Into Urban Legends
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“Back in 2004, I was in high school and I thought it would be fun to start a rumor and see how long it would take to get back to me.
So I told three people (one or two knew what I was up to) that Kel Mitchell, from Keenan and Kel, had died. He was the perfect candidate at the time for a celebrity death rumor among high school aged kids.
The two that knew it was a lie did some good work spreading it by old fashioned word of mouth. The one that didn’t know I’d made it up went on Myspace over the weekend, posting about ‘drinking orange soda in his honor.’ Others would do the same. It was going pretty well. On Monday, I told the one person that was ignorant of my plan that I’d made it up. He liked the idea, so he kept his mouth shut.
In the end, it actually took several months for it to get back to me directly, but I think that length of time was a testament to it’s staying power. It had become a fact for many people.
There’s an article on Snopes about a Kel Mitchell death rumor, with origins unclear, and cause of death being either overdose or car wreck. I don’t claim to be the sole source, but anybody I’ve met over the years who went to high school around that time in my area remembers hearing about it. Some of them didn’t know it was only a rumor.”
Tricking The Peruvian Government
“I convinced a Peruvian official that I was Peruvian in order to get into the $1 local train to Machu Picchu instead of the $100 tourist train. I was a 12 year old from the US.
To be fair, it wasn’t that difficult. I learned Spanish from my mom’s side of the family. They are Peruvians, so I’m part Peruvian as well. However, in order to get into the local train I needed proof (ID or something) that I was naturally born in Peru. Which I wasn’t. I, being the a troublesome kid, told the official that I was Peruvian who forgot my ID and so I must go on the local one. They didn’t believe me, naturally, so with my parents permission, they took me aside and asked me questions about where I lived, what schools I’ve gone to, etc.
For context, I used to love looking at maps as a kid to know where I was in the world. I wanted to know everything that was around me. Before the trip, I memorized the street we were staying at, the local bakery, local schools, and other things. As a result, I was able to answer those questions thoroughly enough so it seemed like I actually lived there. It was a mix of luck, lying, and probably officials not really caring enough. But it worked and I got to ride on the $1 local train while my parents had to pay $200 for the tourist train.”
Twitter Saves The Day
“One time in high school, I stayed up late watching television. Therefore when the morning rolled around, all I wanted to do was lay in bed all day.
However, there was a problem. If your parents didn’t phone the school about why you were going to be absent that day or at least saying that you were home with ‘parental approval’, you would get a detention. It wasn’t just one detention for the day you skipped, it was one detention per period you’d skipped. And if you skipped two in a row without parental consent, your detention doubled.
I really wasn’t in the mood for a ton of detentions, nor was I in the mood for school. I couldn’t lie and say that I was ill, because I had done that last week and there was no way my father would have covered for me or believed any of my lies.
I had to find a way to stay home without getting a detention or having my father find out.
In desperation, I went on my twitter account where I had a bunch of people from all over the world following me (it was a twitter for some television show). I composed a tweet briefly explaining the situation and asked if anyone would be willing to call and pretend to be my parent.
Surprisingly, someone was up for it. They were English, even though my mother is American (as am I and my father + sibling, who my secretaries knew briefly), but I did not care. Having an English mother really isn’t that much of a stretch, even if the rest of my family doesn’t have the accent (right?).
I gave them my school’s phone number and told them what to say. They reported back a few minutes later saying that it was a success.
I went back to school the next day with no problems, and my father never found out.”