Alright, we all do some of these things sometimes. But it’s important to be reminded not to make a habit of them! Nobody wants to be that one person at work.
This piece is based on an AskReddit thread. Link on the last page.
1/20. I used to have a roommate who was wonderful but totally unbearable at the same time. He was very smart, polite, clean, all that. He was never late with the rent – hell, he even cooked me dinner a couple nights a week just to be nice. But over the course of our year together, I started to realize that he was actually completely oblivious to all social cues.
When I got home in the evening, he would be sitting in the living room. And he would immediately launch into a lecture on whatever book he had read or TV show he had been watching. I mean, he literally used to recite the plot of episodes of How I Met Your Mother to me while I was trying to cook my dinner and unwind.
It didnt matter how many times I looked at my watch or how hard I tapped my feet – this guy just couldnt pick up on the fact that he was boring me stiff.
It got to the point where I would just pick up dinner on the way home and eat it in my bedroom where he couldnt bother me.
So there are two big lessons from this story. 1) Dont be like my roommate. Pay attention to the people around you and take care not to bore them.
2) Dont be like me! Tell people when theyre annoying you. You arent doing yourself (or them) any favours by acting like there isnt a problem.
-Anonymous
2/20. If you tell a joke and no one laughs, don’t repeat it again immediately to make sure everyone heard. Hell, don’t repeat it again for the next 10 years.
-daltonthecooler
3/20. It drives me mad when people fail to notice that they are telling an irrelevant story to a service worker. The amount of waiters/waitresses that I see dancing on the spot while waiting for a customer to stop talking is astounding.
-lepraphobia
4/20. I’ve met a lot of people who speak in very self-deprecating ways to an uncomfortable extent. I understand not wanting to appear vain and opting to humble oneself, demonstrating self-awareness.
However, some people will take this a bit too far. When speaking about yourself, do so with confident modesty; don’t reduce yourself to only your flaws.
-shadowedpaths
5/20. I heard a great quote once about confidence that always helps me whenever I talk to strangers. (continued…)
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“Confidence is when you walk into a room and assume everyone already likes you.”
Obviously, this isn’t true for every case, but in my experience, if you start off every interaction by imagining that good feelings exist, good feelings WILL actually exist. Everyone just wants to be liked, so if you pretend they already like you, you’ll like them, and then they’ll be happy that you already like them. It’s a warm, fuzzy cycle.
A mistake I see that socially awkward people make is assuming that everyone DOESN’T like them. And then the cycle becomes awkward, rather than warm and inviting.
-DarkNFullOfSpoilers
6/20. Too many people take their mistakes too seriously. Being an anxious person myself, I get that screwing up and saying “You too” to the waiter or the ticket person is embarrassing, but you’re literally one face of thousands they have to deal with everyday.
What I usually do after messing up like that to avoid that dark, memory filled shame-hole in my brain is to just explain my screw up in an amused tone, laugh at myself, and move on.
I bet you any money they’ll remember you more for your flustered behaviour afterwards rather than the initial mistake.
-Mal-Capone
7/20. Too many people keep conversations going when no one else is into it. conversations naturally die off, usually within a minute or two. it’s ok to say see ya later and walk away.
-doodledoodledee
8/20. I was a totally socially dysfunctional person in high school. When I was 13 or 14, I often went weeks without speaking to anyone outside of my family. I’m now reasonably well-liked with a very big social circle post-college. I was my college class president and am now really involved in my community in a bunch of big ways.
I learned a few things that helped totally change my life around. (continued…)
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People want to like you. I used to think that when I met someone I had to do or say something likeable to start off a friendship. The anxiety and pressure of trying to figure out how to get someone to like me would make me say nothing at all.
It turns out that (for the most part) someone who doesn’t know you assumes that you’re a chill person already. So making conversation became more about making the other person comfortable, rather than “oh god don’t say anything dumb or they’re going to hate you”.
People LOVE talking about themselves. And most people have some form of life experience that is genuinely interesting. You can lean on that- ask them questions and let them talk. It’s flattering and it’ll actually take strain off of you too. If you’re socially awkward, you’re probably more focused on yourself than the other person. I recently dated someone who I really liked, but was more awkward than me.
I noticed that I spent the entire time asking them questions about themselves, and they’d never reciprocate, since they were anxious and just focused on answering. In a weird way, social awkwardness becomes unintentionally selfish; you’re worried about the other person’s opinion of you, so you spend the entire time thinking about yourself.
In group settings, looking out for other people in conversation. If someone gets talked over, it’s super appreciated when you step in with “Wait, what were you saying earlier about —?”. People notice it and really value it.
-esentr
9/20. Being purposefully weird and random is off -putting to those who don’t know you. Inside jokes alienate people who arent on the inside. If you do that to people, you can hardly be surprised when they ignore and dislike you.
-Anonymous
10/20. People who never make eye contact! Eye contact shows engagement and confidence.
-kardog
11/20. I don’t consider myself amazingly socially fluent, but I work with a lot of engineers who make me feel like I am in comparison. Engineers are notoriously lacking in social graces, so I feel like I’ve become an expert on how to lose friends and not influence people. (continued…)
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The biggest mistake that I see them making is talking about themselves (or their work) nonstop without acknowledging that there’s another person in the conversation. It’s like… dude, you’re in a conversation. Pause sometimes. Gauge the other person’s interest. Ask a question of them occasionally!
-PM_ME_OLD_PM2_5_DATA
12/20. Letting themselves be spoken over or ignored.
Stand up for yourself! If anyone takes offence, they were probably the jerk talking over you in the first place.
-sheaRVA
13/20. Body language. It’s very easy to see if a person is uncomfortable and by nature it makes other people uncomfortable.
Relax your shoulders. Lift your chin a little so your chest and neck open. Let your eyes relax a bit (no scared wide eye please).
Smile just a little, the kind of smile you make when you take a big sip of something warm like hot cocoa.
-Bodymindisoneword
14/20. Sometimes you need to be a cheerleader in a conversation. “I did this.” “You did that! Hey, great. Did you hear he did that?!”
If its sincere, it goes along way.
-Jpal123
15/20. The worst in my books is people who only talk about themselves. I have a friend who has otherwise very strong social skills. He can easily talk with new people, and comes off completely normal. His only problem is narcissism. He’ll constantly cut you off mid conversation to say something loudly about himself, but also gets furious if you interrupt him.
If you try to talk to him about something that happened to you, his first response is immediately to tell you something that happened to him that was similar. There are no questions or comments about your story.
Also he thinks he’s perfect, so everything that is wrong in his life is the fault of some “moron”. He’s entirely unwilling to admit any flaws that he has.
-J3urke
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16/20. I’ve spent a good chunk of my career in software sales, so that means a lot of socializing.
The biggest mistakes, or awkward moments, I’ve seen coming from a few underlying situations:
Too much self-deprecation or self-grandiosity. It’s one thing to joke you have a “dadbod” after a meal, but to point out how fat or out of shape you are in detail makes people awkward. Likewise, talking about how great your are to the point of bragging makes you unlikable. There’s a happy sweet spot in the middle.
Not understanding that conversations change topics quickly, and just because you had a great story for one topic doesn’t mean you can pull everyone back to that moment from 3 minutes ago.
Hygiene and grooming. It’s amazing how quickly a poorly dressed or smelly person will kill a moment. Iron your shirts, get proper fitting pants, and make sure to wear deodorant.
Get a good haircut, not some Supercuts hack job. Beards are awesome, but keep it groomed. That doesn’t mean short, but properly manicured facial hair is better than patchy, or unkempt manes.
Ask questions, and then shut-up. This one is key. If you’re asked a direct question, then talk. End your portion with a question or prompt for the other person to talk.
Shake hands firmly, look people in the eye, say their name.
Excuse yourself when you leave a table or group. You don’t need an excuse, unless you’re 1-on-1. A simple, “Oh, excuse me for a moment” works.
-Sully1102
17/20. If someone tells a joke, bask in it. Don’t repeat what they said and then laugh at it, that’s just weird; we all just heard it, too.
-marinertheraccoon
18/20. This might go against what A LOT of people think (and in fact I read many comments on how you should do this) but when I was in my undergrad years I had to take mandatory public speaking/fundamentals of speech classes. My professor told us the following. (continued…)
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If you are talking to someone face-to-face one-on-one with less than a few feet between the two of you: It is unbelievably obvious when you’re looking at their forehead, or at their nose, or somewhere else that’s meant to look like you’re staring at their eyes. So don’t do it. It makes you look silly.
If you are speaking to several people (an audience) in a closed room: DO NOT look at the back wall. Once again, very noticeable, makes you look silly.
In both of these situations, you need to make quick, subtle, fluid eye-contact.
However, if you are giving a speech to a massive audience (think auditorium, pep rally, political debates), then as long as you aren’t looking at your feet, it doesn’t matter. No one can tell at that point.
-gilggamesh
19/20. A friend of the family has limited social skills, and all of his anecdotes are from television and movies. In particular, odd fantasy/sci-fi flicks that have limited audiences. He constantly makes ‘inside jokes’ or refers to them, and everyone looks at each other and goes “We have no idea what you’re talking about.”
-OppositeOfOxymoron
20/20. Just practice. The worst thing a stranger might say about you is, “wow that dude was kinda weird.” No one is going to witch hunt you because you seemed awkward.
Do you think musicians were suddenly good at what they were doing? No. They sucked for years before they got good. And people heard them suck. Now get out there and suck at socializing so you can get better. You’re gonna be dead in less than 100 years. I guarantee that cashier is NOT going to remember that one awkward guy that one time. Source: I’m a cashier.
-CattBooty