“You can run on for a long time. Sooner or later God’ll cut you down.”
– Johnny Cash

This piece is based on an AskReddit thread. Link on the last page

1. Sons of idiocy.

My friend and I were driving behind a guy on a motorcycle. We came to a four-way stop. Already sitting at the stop sign that’s going to cut across the intersection is another car.

My friend and I slow down and expect the biker to as well because, duh, it’s a four-way stop. But the biker decides he’s going to blow the stop and keep going. Unfortunately, the car that was already there had pulled out and began to cut across the intersection.

The biker slams on his brakes in time and the car comes to a stop just a little past the biker. The biker is mad as hell, reaches out and slaps the back of the car.

Blue lights flicked on. The car was an unmarked cop car. My friend and I died laughing.

JackReaper353

2. Rock and a hard place.

My 3-year-old came out of her room, and punched me in the butt. She turned to make her escape and ran into directly into a wall.

What did you learn today?

MILF-tastic

3. When God closes a door…

I witnessed a road rage incident where a man got out of his car at a red light, went to the drivers side door of a minivan and yelled at the window for a minute. When the light turned green, he went to get back in his car, but his door was locked.

beemoedee

4. The boss is Kim Jong-ill.

I had food poisoning near the end of my work shift. I only had an hour left, but somehow thought I could make it. I am brown-skinned, but that day my face was white and green. I was sick as death. I had to keep excusing myself to the restroom. My manager came right out and said, “Don’t even think you’re going home early.” I just moaned and ran to the bathroom again.

A few days later, she comes in. (continued…)

Keep reading on the next page!

I’ve never seen anyone look as sick and standing on two feet. She shuffles in. Can’t pick up her feet. No make up, pale, green, a little puke on her shirt. She goes into the higher ups’s office and begs to go home. I was in the break room right next to his office and heard the sweet music myself. He said, “No. I need you here. We have extra shirts and aprons if you want one. I can’t have you gone today.”

Sauerpatchkid

5. Dog days are over.

I saw this lost dog sign in my neighborhood. The dog had a very distinctive face, so when I saw it, only a few blocks away, I knew right away. So I picked it up and took it home. The whole family was there, and they all cried and thanked me. The next week when I started a new year of high school, the husband/father was my English teacher. I didnt do ANYTHING and made an A in that class.

cupboardnamaka

6. Sub par.

In 6th grade, we had a substitute who was a bit out there. She would show up and start yelling about the most random things.

One day she stopped me on my way to the office. She told me how terrible my class was, and how bad of a person and student I am (I was a quiet straight A kid). I kept walking and she followed me, carrying on. While running her mouth, she walked into a large metal pole. I just kept walking as she fell to the ground, groaning.

Jock_Ewing

7. Park and fry.

When I was about 9, my dad and I were at the airport food court eating and waiting on our flight.

My eyes were bigger than my stomach and I didn’t touch my fries. Rather than throw them away, I asked some lady if she wanted them (free, of course).

When we get to the main lobby for our flight, lo and behold, who do we see? Yup, that same lady.

She was in the main kiosk as a flight agent, and she let us know she gave us a comp upgrade to first class.

That was the first time I had ever flown fancy.

jk021

8. I’ve got a golden tiiiiicket.

My dad stopped paying my college tuition without telling me (I would have understood if he had told me) which resulted in me going to school to register for classes and being told I couldn’t. I had already signed a semester lease on a condo, and ended having to leave campus shortly after and go back home to work full time until I got off on my own.

For Christmas my dad have me a $5 lottery ticket. (continued…)

Keep reading on the next page!

I scratched it and won $30,000.

RedTeamGo

9. A staple of physical comedy.

As a teacher, I get to experience instant karma daily. One event sticks out in particular. I had a student when I was teaching at a middle school who was loud, obnoxious and willing to do anything for attention. We had just finished an exam which required them to staple their papers order to turn them in. This student kept hitting the stapler against his hand with it open. All I said was, “hey, if you keep hitting that stapler against your hand with it open, it probably wont end well for you.”

He responded with, “I do this all the time, I’ve never been stap-” *click*

Student let’s out the loudest scream I’ve ever heard. Bleeding. Crying. I’m laughing (on the inside hopefully) and sent him down to the office.

CodeDanger

10. Wait…he took off on foot?

A guy stole my bike from a rack a couple of weeks ago. When people approached him, he took off on foot and got hit by a car, making it much easier for the police to find and arrest him. The poor woman that hit him was distraught and convinced she killed him but he ended up with just some scrapes and bruises.

ThePotatoIsAScam

11. That’s an expensive handbag alright.

We grew up pretty poor. One day my Mum found a purse with about $1000 in it as we were walking home. Being the honest lady she is she turned it into the police.

Fast forward to November and she gets a call from the police. That purse you turned in was never claimed, it’s yours to keep if you want it. The money helped pay for Christmas and a few other bills. Mum carried her “lucky purse” for years afterwards.

zerbey

12. Cop out.

I have a friend with muscular dystrophy. We and some other friends had gone to Mitsuwa (a Japanese grocery store). When we came out, a sports car was parked on the lines between the two handicapped spots. Meaning my friend couldn’t even get in his van because that space is where his ramp needs to come out. We went into the store kinda thinking maybe they could just make an announcement. But customer service said we should call the cops, so… (continued…)

Keep reading on the next page!

We waited for a while, and finally the young lady who’d done this jerk move came out of the store and went to get in her car. We told her we’d called the cops and she kinda laughed. No, we REALLY called the cops. Luckily the traffic cop pulled up right that moment! She made the girl move and we were able to go on our way and watch her receive I can only hope a fairly hefty ticket as we went.

If it helps your sense of karma, ANOTHER time this exact scenario occurred a less-wholesome friend did key their car. I’m not endorsing it but it happened.

erratastigmata

13. Need for speed (limits).

I was pulled over by police for speeding (2nd time in 30+ years driving). Before the officer got out of his car I made sure my window was rolled down, shut my truck off, turned on interior light (it was night time), and put both of my hands on the steering wheel. He told me how much he appreciated this and sent me on my way with a verbal warning to pay attention to the speed limit.

gazelleriches

14. Grilled apple.

Jerk at work was spending all day playing around on his new phone and showing it off. And then he dropped it onto the grill. Deeeeeeeelicious.

xstitchpixel

15. Turn this car around.

I was trying to get home to my parents for Christmas in a blizzard and a guy started tailgating me on the highway, flashing his lights, the works. This goes on for a mile or so until I slow to a crawl enough for him to get the hint to go around. He speeds off and about a half mile down the road I see him facing the other way on the side of the road.

mercvt

16. Might as well have left footprints.

I got a virus on my PC; some dumb jerk bought my eBay & PayPal login and password and went shopping.

I call him a dumb jerk because he didn’t bother taking 5 minutes to lock me out the accounts! He just went shopping for TVs, Cameras, iPads, you name it. I changed my passwords and locked him out, then wiped my PC.

On my phone I got all the purchase receipt e-mails as he made each purchase.

Including his name.

And delivery address.

ExxInferis

17. Golden shower.

Girl at dog park in white skinny jeans and stilettos. My golden retriever approaches her for attention. Girl kicks at him with her pointy heels. Who does that?! (continued…)

Keep reading on the next page!

Golden runs away.

Golden rolls in the mud. Runs up to same girl. She is on her phone, not paying attention. Golden rubs his entire body up against her white jeans.

Girl loses her mind. Golden runs back to me. Such a good boy.

xTheDoctor88

18. Cold as ice.

I was coming home from school with a friend. Early in the journey I slipped on ice, but managed to keep my balance and didn’t fall, my friend laughed out loud like a maniac. A moment later, he fell face down into the ice.

powerplayer6

19. Defeated by an inanimate object.

In the 90’s I bought a newspaper every day from a newspaper box (you stick $0.35 into coin slot to unlock it). One day I took two papers because why not? As I walked away with both papers, my shirt tail got stuck in the door of the news paper box. Had to pay $0.35 to get my shirt back.

CoachBrooks

20. That Escaladed quickly.

Back in high school I was a cart boy for a grocery store, one afternoon it was really shitty out, pouring and windy as hell. This new black Escalade pulls up next to me while I’m pushing about 10 carts. The guy gets out and yells at me saying I better not scratch his truck because “Heads will roll.”

I’m not in any way endangering his new car, but he proceeds to yell and warn me. Just as he finishes yelling at me, a sign from the Pizzeria next door crashes into the side of his truck.

That made my night a little better, even if I was soaked.

omniscientchamaeleon

21. Exit strategy.

My roommate is a jock. He and his obnoxious friend were in the living room and his friend was bragging about how he’s been hooking up with various girls without a condom, crediting his “pullout game.” (continued…)

Keep reading on the next page!

He’s mid-story, talking about how he hooked up with this hockey girl the previous night and used his trusty pullout method when his phone starts to ring.

It was a different hockey girl that he got with 2-3 weeks before, calling to tell him she was pregnant.

ParagonStandard

22. Attack from the rear.

A few days ago I was with my friend when she got hit in the right back bumper of her car. She had the right of way, but there was minimal damage to only her car and she wasn’t gonna make a big fuss about it. But the other people were angry and were being verbally aggressive that it was her fault. Like, two full grown adults super mad at some high school girls who THEY HAD HIT.

My friend wanted to just exchange insurance info and phone numbers and leave since she had to drop me off and go to work but these idiots called the cops and made us wait for like 20 minutes. They started telling the cops a really twisted story about what happened, making it sound like it was her fault, just being super shady.

The cop listened to their story with such a genuine and attentive face, sayid “mhm” and writes them a ticket for breaking the law.

madisonmadds

23. Whiner.

Playing tug of war with the girlfriend’s dog. Win the rope, throw it across the room except my aim is bad and I take out a framed picture of her and said dog.

Grab my glass of wine to take a drink. Dog saunters back over with the rope, puts his snout under my arm to get attention. Flips his head back thus throwing my wine holding hand into the air.

Full glass of wine showers all over me.