Most teachers are founts of wisdom. But a memorable few are living proof you can be as educated as the day is long and still as dumb as the night is dark.
This piece is based on a Quora Question. Link on the last page.
1. My sixth-grade teacher, an elderly lady of stern moral fibre, took umbrage at the fact that Jewish kids in her class didnt come to school on the high holidays. About a third of the class was Jewish. She was not.
On the day preceding one of these high holidays, she addressed the class as follows:
“Now, I know none of you Jewish kids are going to be here tomorrow. Thats fine, as long as you all remember that this isnt like a weekend day where you just sit around at home and watch TV.”
Nod nod nod, go the Jewish kids.
“When we Christian people have an important holiday,” she said, warming to her subject, “we go to church and we worship. So I expect all you Jewish kids will be at synagogue first thing in the morning, and spend the day praying and reading your scriptures.”
Nod nod nod.
“You should be grateful to live in a democracy where everyone can worship freely and in any way they choose. If you squander this freedom, you show disrespect for it. So when youre in synagogue tomorrow and notice that one of your Jewish friends isnt there, I expect you to tell me when you come back.
Jewish kids exchange glances.
“Now Im going to call you Jewish kids up here one by one to tell me your plans for tomorrow.”
She set the class to work and started calling out the names of the Jewish kids, who walked up dutifully to report on their plans.
Finally, it was my turn. “Well, Martin, she asked me. What are your plans for tomorrow?”
“I dont have any,” I said. “I might ride my bike to the park or the library, I dunno.”
“Now why on earth would you not go to synagogue to pray on such an important Jewish holiday?”
“Because I dont think synagogue is the only place to pray to God.”
“Well, its one of the places.”
I couldnt believe she set herself up so beautifully. “Right,” I said. “So is my house.”
“Go back to your desk and sit down.” Dern Jewish kids!
Martin Reyto
2. In my sophomore year of high school, there was a mandatory health class taught by one of the gym teachers. She was nice enough, but sort of an odd duck. (continued…)
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She was a tiny little lady, short and round, businesslike with blow-dried gray hair and an omnipresent 90s-era neon windbreaker suit. She was high-energy, but it was a weird kind of chirpy energy that would have been better suited to kindergarteners than teenagers.
She gave out lollipops and stickers for good behaviors. It was singsongy, elementary-school-y, sunshine and happiness and stickers and lollipops, and if you were a teenager being talked to in a way that would make a seven year old roll her eyes, that was very strange indeed.
And then came the day that she singled out groups of girls for a sex talk in the locker room.
The sex talk didn’t go quite the way you’d expect. When she had all the girls seated, she leaned forward with a furtive smile and said:
“You don’t need a man. That’s what doorknobs are for.”
…that’s…what…doorknobs…are…for.
Stunned, the girls raced to tell our friends what our strange little health teacher had shared.
Friends, older sisters, and even mothers laughed. “Oh, the Doorknob Talk.” That’s how we found out everyone called this woman Doorknobs, and that the locker room Doorknob Talk was practically a rite of passage.
Did I ever open the classroom door with my hand after that? No I did not.
Amorette Dye
3. My mother got called in to speak with my little sisters teacher. The teacher informed my mother that she was considering holding Jannell back in kindergarten. This was surprising in that Jannell seemed to be doing very well in school.
My mother had graduated from high school in 1960, gotten married in 1961, and had Jannell in 1962, so this must have been about 1967-68. My mother was young (25), and she had always been soft-spoken.
Quietly, she asked, “Why would you retain Jannell? Has she not been completing the coursework?”
The teacher suddenly got a very serious look on her face. (continued…)
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The teacher replied, “No, she’s doing okay, but she can’t use scissors very well. Have you been working on that at home?”
Surprised, my mother replied, “No, we don’t spend a lot of time with scissors. I try to read with her if I have extra time. She enjoys reading. Is she reading at grade level?”
Again, the teacher replied unconvincingly, “She’s doing okay.”
Jannell was playing at the classroom’s play kitchen. My mother told her to go pick up a book off of the teacher’s desk. It was a heavy textbook that the teacher was using for a Master’s class she was taking. Obligingly, Jannell grabbed it. My mother opened it to a random page and asked Jannell to read from the text.
She read it flawlessly.
Politely, my mother asked her to return the book to the teacher’s desk. Jannell did so and continued playing.
Calmly, she told the teacher, “I am sure Jannell will continue on to first grade, but we will spend time working on her cutting skills.”
The teacher said nothing. Jannell did advance to first grade despite her sub-par scissors-using abilities.
Ellen Burchett
4. My ninth-grade biology teacher said something that was so bizarre, I wrote it down immediately and committed it to memory. She said:
“Turtles are not animals; they’re mammals.”
Now this is wrong on several levels. First, of course, turtles are animals. Second, turtles are not mammals. Third, obviously, even if turtles were mammals they would still be animals. To this day I can’t even imagine what point my teacher was trying to get across to us.
Russell Fielding
5. At 15 years old, I had to leave home and put myself through school, working nights to pay for my own rent, food etc.
So one day, I went to my history teacher and said that I had to leave class at 1pm as I had a dental appointment.
“Where is your note from your parent?”
“Oh! I dont have any,” I said, all matter-of-fact.
“Well,” he said, “then you can’t go!” (continued…)
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“But I need to go to the dentist,” I said.
“Not without a note from your parents,” he replied.
“But I dont have any, and I have to go!”
Back and forth trying to explain my situation and need for a dental appointment for about 10 minutes. He just wasn’t listening. I guess he had his mind made up that this was some kind of excuse. Finally, I had enough.
“Look mate,” I said, “if I give you a note from the Government-recognised guardian of Jay Best [me], can I go to the dentist then?”
“Sure!”
“Cool. Can I borrow some paper?”
And I wrote: “I’m going to the dentist, signed Jay.”
Stormed off, and said “If you have any issues with this, you can bring it up with me at the Parent/Teacher evenings!
Probably the most gangster thing I’ve ever done in my life.
Jay Best
6. 8th Grade, first day of Phys Ed.
Teacher: Pay atten Why arent you guys paying attention over there?
Me: Theyre foreign exchange students, sir. They dont understand English.
Teacher: Oh. Well, how many foreign students do we have?
[Silence. Nobody knows.]
Teacher: Everyone who doesnt understand English, raise your hand!
Gabrielle Harbowy
7. First day of 9th grade, English class:
The teacher, Miss Singley, is singing the praises of Henry David Thoreau, who she was probably old enough to have known in school. At some point, she said, “Another interesting antidote about Thoreau is….”
I do not remember the anecdote. I do remember her misuse of the word antidote. Being an idiot, I raised my hand and said, “I think you meant ‘anecdote’.” (continued…)
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She fixed me with her cold, lizard-like eyes and said, frostily, “Antidote is an alternate pronunciation of anecdote.” And continued on with her story.
Now, I have a photographic memory for words, pronunciations, spellings, and definitions. “Antidote” is not an alternate anything for “anecdote”. They’re two completely different words.
The intelligent child would have left it at that and not mentioned it again. As I say, I was an idiot. I went home that night and looked up the definitions for both words. Wrote them up nicely in a paper. Presented them to Miss Singley the next day.
She never gave me better than a B+ in English for the rest of my high school career. That woman carried a grudge.
Lorri Robinson
8. In 3rd grade we were taught about the War of Northern Aggression. Ever heard of it? The answer is likely no. That’s because it doesn’t exist – it never happened.
The actual title of the war we were taught: The American Civil War. I still facepalm every time I think about this.
Chris Garver
9. I was taking a class on World Religions.
Religions of the World. Plural. Many. There’s like, a ton.
So, anyway, as part of this class, we were assigned to write a paper about the different religions out there.
I really got into it. I read every religious text I could find. All of them.
I studied the different gods and goddesses, the cultures of the people who worshipped them, and even the timeframes and geolocations in which they were most active.
I then did a comparative analysis breaking down the different deities and finding that they were, for the most part, different aspects of the same thing – a higher power that manifests as a more enhanced version of the culture of the people who created it.
Not unlike our comic book characters, really.
Not to brag, but I’m a straight-A, over 4.0 type student. So when I turned this paper in, I expected to get a good grade. Instead, I got a shock. (continued…)
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I did *not* expect an F.
An F.
What the F?!!!
On the title page, in red pen, was written “Jesus is the one true lord.”
What the hell was this woman doing teaching a World Religions class?!?!?!?
It pains me to say I had my parents go over her head to the principal on that one, and then transferred out of the class.
It still bothers me, 25 years later.
Heather Wilde
10. “Boys are better at math than girls, that’s just how things are. It’s because women were just made to make babies. This includes my wife, she isn’t very smart,” said my High School math teacher.
Janelle Alicia Monroy
11/13. In university, my professor in computer technology was talking about the origin of the term Trojan horses:
“You know, from when the Spartans were fighting the Trojans and the Trojans built a wooden horse to get into Sparta.”
Swing and a miss, my friend.
Quinten Friedrichs
12/13. “Look to the left of you. Now look to the right. Only one of you will pass this class”
If your success rate is only 33%, maybe you shouldn’t be a teacher. I’m sure there are some burgers that need to be flipped somewhere.
Robert Strickland
13/13. My third grade english teacher sent me out into the hall outraged that I was reading a novel (“The Two Towers” by JRR Tolkien) instead of the assigned 10-page children’s book.
I consider it a good experience in a way, it taught me that I would do best learning things for myself and at my own pace, and not to expect a public school system to teach me the things I actually wanted to know.
Anderson Moorer