r/MaliciousCompliance is kind of the chaotic neutral center of Reddit. These folks reluctantly follow the rules but they certainly do it on their own terms. The end results are well... chaotically hilarious. Here are some of our fave stories from this year.
The Day I Was Hired Then Fired By A Law Firm
“So this is about five years ago. I worked as a chef at a bakery. It was my job to make everything but the baked goods. Every morning the Baker and I would walk in at about 4 am and knock out all the food needed for the day. This would leave me ready to go home around 10 AM or so. This put us at the perfect time to deliver online orders.
It was common for companies or other entities to place large catering orders with us. The baker and I would split them down the middle and deliver them on our way home.
The delivery in question was for Bob, James, and Harry, Attorneys at law. I have never delivered to BJ&H before, but they were a regular of sorts. Every financial quarter, they would hold a huge meeting. This meeting would require roughly $700 of bagels and bagel accessories. This spread included eight dozen bagels, all ten of our flavors of cream cheese, pastries, brownies, and enough coffee to power a college dorm through finals week.
My passenger seat, entire back seat, and entire trunk are filled with food. Now BJ&H is located on the ninth floor of a commercial skyscraper deep in an industrial complex downtown. parking was non-existent. There were meters outside the building, but I knew I would need close to ten trips to deliver all this food, and didn’t have a lot of change on me. Company policy was to just pay whatever fines I needed to park and then turn in my receipts. the money would end up on my next paycheck.
So the building has its own parking garage, so I pull on in. The security guard, let’s call him Sam, stops me and says that the parking garage is for employees only. I happily show him my delivery invoice and offer him a bribery bagel, (never leave the store without at least two.)
Sam refuses the bagel and says I can park in one of the guest spots on the bottom floor. The fee is $5 for every 30 minutes, a minimum of $10. I thank him and head to the bottom floor of the garage. So there are a total of six guest parking spaces. Just six. All of them are taken. I head back up to talk to Sam, when I see an open parking spot reserved for Bob, James, and Harry, Attorneys at Law. There are cars in every spot, with many spots being reserved for employees by name. The last spot is empty, and is reserved for ‘Guest of BJ&H.’
Perfect. I pull on in. I grab the most important part of the delivery (the coffee) and head to the stairwell. I get into the elevator and hit the button for floor nine. The elevator asks for my employee ID card. well… crud. So, I try the lobby. That works. From there it’s nine flights of stairs until I am outside the law firm of Bob, James, and Harry. After introducing myself, I am shown to the room where the meeting will take place. A table is set aside for me. I set down the coffee and head for trip number two.
That is when I see Sam talking to the receptionist. He runs over and starts shouting at me. ‘I am putting a boot on your f*ing car. I told you to park in guest on the bottom floor!’ I don’t get a word in before he launches into a speech about security and how I could be hurting his building or people. That is when a very well dressed man walks over. It so happens to be Bob, the Bob of Bob, James and Harry’s.
Bob asks what is the problem and soon the two are arguing.
Bob: OP is delivering food for my meeting. He is allowed to use my parking spots.
Sam: Those parking spots belong to the building. You are leasing them like you lease this floor. I am the one who says who can park there. He isn’t an employee so he isn’t parking!
Bob: Then I am making him an employee!
Sam: You can’t do that!
Bob: You know what. You are right. Harry! Harry! get over here.
Harry walks over with an amused look on his face.
Bob: Harry here is the head of our HR department. Harry, hire this boy.
Harry pulls out a piece of paper and scribbles, ‘OP is now a member of Bob, James, and Harry’s’ and signs it, then asks me to sign as well. I do so.
Bob reaches over to the receptionist, who is already grabbing some things.
Bob: Here is your employee badge, your -PARKING PERMIT- and your elevator key card. Now please, do the job I have -HIRED- you to do, and deliver my bagels.
Sam looks on in utter fury as I ride the elevator down to my car.
Seven sweet sweet elevator rides later, all the food is delivered. Bob and Harry meet me at the table.
Bob: OP, you have made great strides in this company and I am proud of your work, but I feel it is time for us to part ways. Here is your final check.
Bob then hands me a crisp $50 bill.
Harry: And your severance package. Now please be sure to return your badge and card on the way out.
Harry hands me a $20 and sends me on my way. The receptionist is sure to validate the parking ticket that Sam gave me, and I head on out. On the way out, Sam grins at me and asks for my ticket. I place it in the machine in his station. It sees the validation I got, and lets me out for free. Sam glares at me as I drive off into the… late morning sun.”
Good On You, Steve. You Sick Man.
“My coworker, and absolute hero, maliciously complied at security on one of our subcontractor jobs. The customer was a manufacturer for high-end electronic components. Security was tight as a small 4″ x 6” box could contain $250,000 worth of microchips. Our team was installing equipment in their facility for one week. A security checkpoint had to be passed every trip in or out of the building.
Mr. Security guard, Chad maybe, decided my coworker, Steve probably, was more suspicious than the other four techs. So every trip in or out, not only was Steve made to dump the entire contents of his backpack out on the table and go through it, Chad required Steve to show him the last five pictures taken on his phone ‘to prove he wasn’t stealing secrets.’
This is all fine, except Chad lets everyone else through without any sort of inspection. Steve is trying to stay positive, but obviously, this is eating away at him. Steve tries to be overly positive and also a bit snarky with comments like ‘Thank you Paul Blart, for keeping America safe,’ which busts up the rest of our crew. Then, Steve has the idea that will free him the rest of the week.
Wednesday comes along, Steve is overly scrutinized on our way in as usual. As we head to security at lunch, Steve says he has to go to the bathroom. He comes back out a few minutes later, absolutely giddy.
Chad Blart, mall cop, stops us on our way out and asks Steve to see his camera roll. Steve gladly hands the phone over. Chad is greeted by some very peculiarly angled shots of Steve’s butthole.
‘What F@%$?’ Chad throws the phone down on the table.
‘Oh, sorry. I thought I had hemorrhoids and wanted to see how bad it was. Is everything ok with my pictures? Is the facility safe?’
Chad never checked Steve’s materials again. Good on you Steve.”
Giving Him Exactly What He Paid For
“I worked as a cook at a chain restaurant that had a ‘wing night’ where you could get a pound of wings at a discounted price.
We didn’t actually weigh the wings, our specs said eight wings to a pound. Four drums and four flats.
One night a table comes in and everyone orders a pound of wings. A little while after the wings go out, the server comes back a little flustered and explains there has been a complaint.
Apparently, one of the guys at the table complained that it was ‘obvious’ that he didn’t get a pound, because it would be a huge coincidence if everyone’s pounds led to the same number of wings on each plate. He insisted that the server go and weigh these (already discounted) wings to make sure he was ‘getting what he paid for.’
So we weighted it. Sure enough, it was not a pound. It was a pound and a half. We tell the server to bring it out and tell him he’s getting more than a pound. She says ‘Heck no. He paid for a pound, he’s going to get what he paid for,’ and threw two of his wings in the garbage and re-weighted the food. Still over. Throws another one out. Bang on 1 pound of wings.
So she brings back out his five wings and calmly tells the gentleman ‘Here are your wings, sir. You were right, there was more than a pound there. So we threw the other ones out. Good catch.’
When they ordered a second round, he didn’t complain that everyone got eight wings to a pound.”
That’s One Way To Convince Kids To Eat Veggies!
“Kids are awesome at malicious compliance – but it is a two-way street.
My kids can be picky eaters at times. My wife made some dang good chicken soup, but the kids were complaining that there were veggies in their chicken soup, they hate veggies, veggies make them sick, and they wanted my wife to pick them out of the soup. We tried to tell them that good chicken soup needs veggies to taste good, but they were being stubborn. I’m sure other parents can understand.
I told the kids ‘If you really hate the taste of veggies, I’ll make soup tomorrow, and you guys can make sure I only put stuff in you like.’ They liked that idea, at the time.
The next day, I get the pot filled with water, all the typical soup ingredients out, and gathered the kids. I asked for their approval on every item. Chicken – yes, salt – yes, black pepper – no (gross, too spicy), celery – no (I can’t even stand the smell), onions – NO!!! It went on with that, with them rejecting parsley, bay leaves, and other veggies. The total contents of the pot ended up being:
— Chicken, water, salt, noodles
After the soup was done cooking, I served it up and they excitedly started to eat. A few funny faces later, and one of them said ‘It tastes weird, this isn’t very good.’ I said ‘but I only put in everything you guys approved. I think, from now on, I should make the soup, right?’
They looked at each other and said ‘Can we have mom’s soup instead?’ Since that day, they haven’t complained about finding veggies mixed in the food. Sure, they almost always eat around a carrot or green pea, but they understand that it adds flavor.”
TMI? But They Asked For It!
In order to request time off, I must fill out a sheet directly below the schedule posted in the breakroom that all employees can see and it asks for the reason WHY I need the time off.
I don’t need every single person in the company knowing my personal business, so I never filled that spot in, and was reprimanded for it and refused the time off. I was told I had to give a reason. Enter Malicious Compliance:
I started getting very specific about completely false reasons.
Random Tuesday Dentist appointment? Yep. ‘Gambling Addiction Counseling.’
That Friday I can’t work, because I’m just sick of this place and I need a mental health day? For sure. ‘Testicular Cancer Screening.’
Today I was asked to stop filling in the ‘Reason’ box.
“Extra Gooey, Nutritious Filling!”
“Background: I work in a fast-paced healthcare environment where every minute counts and I have both male and female co-workers on my shift.
We have lockers with opaque doors where we’re allowed to store our things. When I’m in the office area I leave mine unlocked for easy access and I’ve started keeping a box of tampons in my locker. I’ve told my female co-workers if they’re in a hurry and need a tampon they’re welcome to just open my locker (when it’s unlocked and I’m in the office) and take one, no problem.
I got called into my boss’s office the other day because a male coworker of mine complained that me keeping tampons in my locker was ‘disgusting’ and he hated that he could see the box whenever my locker was opened. My boss (a male) told me that some men were really sensitive to ‘this type of thing’ and that I should try hiding them in a different type of box so I wouldn’t offend my coworkers. I asked what the point was because my coworkers would see someone reaching into a ‘crackers/pop tarts, etc’ box and taking out a tampon instead of food anyway. My boss got all huffy and told me that it was for the best and I needed to do it.
I made a cover for my tampon box that said ‘Mother Earth’s Bloody Nutrients Bars: with extra gooey, nutritious filling!’ with a photo of a bloody bathtub and placed it on the box.
That was two days ago, and I saw the male co-worker open my locker (trying to be sneaky) and he paled when he read the box, got all angry, and I received an email from my boss that my cover ‘wasn’t funny’ and that I need to take it down.
… So I emailed our HR person a copy of the email as well as a summary of what happened and photos of the lockers, the box, and the cover. I also suggested that the male coworker sit somewhere where he didn’t have a direct line of sight to my locker if it really offended him so much. She thought it was freaking hilarious and said I ‘followed my supervisor’s instructions’ and so I was fine.
Nothing else has been done yet, and I’m mostly angry that my time was spent on something as stupid as this and not on patient work.”
They Wanted 00% So That’s What He Got Them!
“I worked for a company that provides a utility truck and one of the analytics they monitor is how long the truck stays in place with the motor on.
The target number was something like 3%, I consistently was stuck in traffic due to my area being changed to the downtown area of my city and naturally -raising my idle percent-.
My supervisor began constantly badgering me over the raise of my idle percent, about 10-12% higher now. After they decided to give me a wRiTtEn VeRbAl WaRnInG I became the MOST efficient truck no idler in our branch and I brought it down to a 0.00 by shutting the truck off at every stop sign, red light, highway stopped in traffic, in drive-thrus, and INSTANTLY off when I got to where I was going.
Now, remember this is a utility truck that is charging my two phones, laptop, tablet, and my various equipment’s rechargeable batteries, all this juice sucking and no alternator spinning putting the power back into the truck battery causing it to die. ALOT.
Now the rules the company had made it forbidden for me to jump the truck myself so I had to call the company and they sent out a tow truck to jump start it for me (I could do it myself anyway and probably would have but they are writing people up out here for petty nonsense) and everytime I call this tow truck it takes a minimum of two hours for it to show up, I began doing this multiple times a day, every day until they figured my truck was broken. It goes to the shop, checks out, they give it back- I kill it again.
They end up giving me an entirely new truck, I start killing it, I repeated this process until they gave me the THIRD truck and the manager calls me to asks what my daily routine is, I go through the basics and add in the whole stop at red light engine off- stop in traffic engine off- etc. and dude goes
‘Why the heck are you doing this?’
‘My supervisor wrote me up for my idle time being too high.’
‘This is completely ridiculous.’
He tossed my write up and I’m guessing talked to the super because I never heard a word about idle time again and I quit caring about it.
There’s my dumb petty story, thanks for reading.”
Treat All Prank Calls Like They’re Serious? Okay, Boss!
“I work in a major pizza delivery chain that has so far been unsuccessful in out-pizzaing the hut. Our store is in a college town, and everyone is bored as heck right now for obvious reasons. So we’ve gone from maybe one prank call a day to at least 3-5. Which isn’t much but still really annoying with how much more business we’ve been getting, again for obvious reasons.
The worst part is how uncreative and low effort most of them are. At least 80% of them are ‘Can I get a boneless pizza?’ or ‘Is this the Krusty Krab?’ with the occasional insert GTA fast-food order copypasta here.
This had been going on way too long so I took up the habit of just hanging up whenever someone starts saying some stupid nonsense. The boss wasn’t too happy about this but didn’t care enough to say anything until an incident where I hung up on someone who wanted that boneless pizza and he called back ticked off because he actually wanted to order.
So I get a stern talking-to from boss man and he sends a message to the company’s group chat app saying: ‘I know we’ve been getting more prank calls than usual, but please don’t follow in certain people’s footsteps and just hang up on them. Take the calls as seriously as possible. If they order something we can’t make, calmly explain it to them and offer them something we do actually sell. We want to try to make money off of them even if they’re acting dumb.’
So the very next call is where the fun starts. ‘Thank you for calling, what can I get you?’
‘I’m soooooo hungry, can I get an extra-extra-extra-extra large pizza with triple every topping?’
‘I’m sorry ma’am, we can only go up to one extra and double each topping’
‘Hmmmm ok then. Can I get twenty XL’s of each meat y’all have? So like 20 pepperonis, 20 sausages, etc…’
These people are obviously high as balls and giggling in the background the whole time.
‘Sure, give me a sec to ring it all up… Ok so that’s 180 pizzas, the total will be $1000 (don’t remember the actual price but close enough) and it’ll take about 3 hours.’
‘Awesome thanks! We’ll pay with a check when we get there!’
So I place the order, and not 30 seconds later I hear ‘What the actual f*?’ from the boss and he runs to the computer. ‘How are they paying for this?’ He asks me.
‘They said with a check, we do still take checks for orders over $200 right?’ I say.
‘They can’t have been serious, was this a prank call?’
‘Not sure boss, you said to take all calls seriously!’ I reply.
He just grumbles and picks up the phone and calls the customer, and all I hear is super loud laughter as he hangs up.
Meanwhile, other employees have started actually making the ridiculous order not noticing anything weird about it. So by the time the boss finishes the call and cancels the order on the computer, there are already five XL pepperoni pizzas in the oven. So we got free dinner for everyone working that night as well as another message in the group chat app simply saying ‘in regards to my last message, please just use good judgment when taking orders.'”
Having To Tell Your HOA Every Time You Take Out The Trash
“I’ve never met anyone that said ‘Oh good, an HOA.’
We all have trash cans, but the sight of them offends the delicate eyes of some, so I complied with the new rule of ‘no seeing bins from the street’.
I find a notice of my bins being out, which is surprising because I’m the only one who touches the cans and I know I’m 100% compliant.
I call in and ask why I got the notice. The full description says ‘Bins in the driveway with lids off.’ I asked if this happens to be a Tuesday, and sure enough, it was. Wednesday is pickup day, and I was doing my weekly cleaning. I was using them, I calmly explained through gritted teeth.
‘Oh okay, I’ll remove the notice.’ Great, but how do I prevent this from happening again? ‘Oh, uh…I guess notify us.’ Alright, I said, I’ll notify you every time I’m using my trash cans. ‘Oh, that won’t be necessary….’ Clearly, it is.
That was five Tuesdays ago. Today, I once again called promptly at ten o’clock and let Alan know I was about to use my trash cans. ‘You know what, Mr. Endoman? I’m just going to put a hold on any trash can notices for you.’ Hey, that would be swell, Alan.
That would be swell.”
You’re On Stolen Native Lands! Speak It!
“My friend, who is Vietnamese, gets told ‘Speak English, you’re in America!’ all the dang time.
It got quite annoying to him, so he eventually decided to do something about it.
He looked up the Native American tribe whose tribe was originally on the land where he lives, went to the tribe’s cultural center, told the elderly grandma working there he was tired of being told to speak English in America and had her teach him how to say ‘White person/outsider/non-native’ in the language as well as some other curse words and whatnot.
Apparently, this made that Native American granny’s week, because she went all out and really taught him quite a lot.
And ever since any time some bigoted person tells him to speak English in America he says ‘Well why don’t you speak [Native American tribe’s language], we’re in [Native American tribe]’s lands! You dang [Native American word for a white person]!”
The shockedpikachu.jpg face he gets in response never gets old.
They completely freeze up for a few seconds, before responding in entertaining ways such as gasping for air or pointing their finger angrily, or just turning and walking away.
Eventually, the word spread among my group of friends, and quite a few of them- who as immigrants, or even just people who speak a second language, occasionally also get told this- are always chomping at the bit to get their chance to use this response.”
Sorry, That’s The Boss’ Job, Boss!
“For background: I work in mental health and substance use services
I have worked in my job for a long time now. My boss is never available for help and hardly on site. Recently she has got a new manager who is not impressed with her work ethic, but then lockdown happened and he had to shield her, she has gone straight back to her old ways. Boss will often ask me to do her work for her to save her coming in which I have never minded doing up until recently.
I had a meeting with my boss after an incident at work where someone tried to assault me, I told my boss I didn’t feel supported by her after it had happened as she wasn’t present and didn’t manage it well afterward.
In the middle of the meeting, the boss says perhaps you want to consider some easier work in a different department?
Me: ‘What, why?’
Boss: ‘Well you do take on a lot of extra work that you don’t need to a lot of this work is managers’ jobs. Maybe you need to learn to say no to taking on all this work?’
I asked if there was something wrong with my standard of work if she had concerns etc and she says, ‘No.’ Three months down the line four of the team leave and they get new people in.
Boss: ‘Oh OP can you induct new starters on their first day?’
Me: ‘Sorry boss, that’s a manager’s job.’
Boss: ‘Can you complete the Fire risk assessment?’
Me: ‘Sorry boss that’s a manager’s job.’
After a while she stops asking me things, then one day she’s working from home, I’m pretty sure she has been telling her manager she’s on site throughout lockdown but mostly isn’t. Huge incident kicks off with residents, emergency services are called, etc. I call the boss and explain to her what happened.
Boss: ‘OP can you please do follow up with, commissioning body, staff, and residents involved and write the report send it all directly to me please?’
Me: ‘Sorry boss you will need to come in to manage this, I’m not a manager, that’s not my job.’
Boss: ‘Just this once, please?’
I refused to manage the incident, turned out she was visiting a friend who lived at the coast whilst she was meant to be on site! Someone accidentally let slip to her manager when he called in the incident and there was no one to manage, he asked me to deal with the incident. I explained I couldn’t and that boss had reported me as taking on too much work to OH. A full investigation has been launched into her conduct and ability to do her job. The manager now talks to me directly and supervises me, he is helping me apply for a promotion Boss is on ‘leave, pending investigation'”