It’s often been said, “Tell me who you love and I can tell you who you are.” If that’s true, these people must be hopeless imbeciles.
This article is based on an AskReddit thread. Link on the last page.
1/46. When he joined the Klan while dating me. I’m not white.
-Cursethewind
2/46. She was out for a run one day and when she came back she said an animal charged at her, so she cut her run short. I asked her what it looked like, and she said, “like a cow, but brown.” It was a cow.
-Indeedyoursway
3/46. When he told me that you regrow your virginity after six months without sex.
-DCgirl1318
4/46. When he told me, quite seriously, about how people with enough willpower can survive by photosynthesis.
-SlytherEEn
5/46. He called lingerie “linguine”. As in the pasta.
-Glitter-recession
6/46. He was getting his license renewed and they asked him if he wanted to be an organ donor. He said ‘no’.
When I asked why he told me it was because he didn’t want the government to come knocking for any of his organs when he still needed them. He really thought that becoming an organ donor meant that, at any time, his organs could be taken.
-zeldawarriorprincess
7/46. I asked him about the class he was taking at community college.
Him: It’s going ok! Better than last year. I failed it twice.
Me: Must be a hard class! What’s it about?
Him: Learning strategies.
He failed a class about how to learn. Twice.
-TheFascination
8/46. Driving down the road and the moon is visible during the day…
Her: how is the moon out at the same time as the sun?
Me: sometimes that happens, it’s not that uncommon.
Her: no they are the same thing so how can we see both at the same time?!
Me: …The sun and the moon are 2 different things, are you serious?
Her: yea, not everyone went to college like you schoolboy.
Me: you learn this in like 2nd grade…
She was in her early 30s…
-jonthetherbon90
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9/46. She threw a butter knife at a lightbulb in a crowded restaurant because she didn’t like that it was flickering.
-Migz968
10/46. We were making Kool-Aid. Her:”How much sugar does it need?” Me: “It says on the package.” “Just tell me.” “One cup.” “Okay… there’s only a 1/3 cup here. Where is the whole cup?” “I don’t know, just use the 1/3 cup.” “Well, how many scoops do I do, then?” “It’s one THIRD of a cup…” “I don’t know fractions, just tell me.” “I’m not… going to tell you. Figure it out. It’s one THIRD of a cup. How many do you think it would be?” “I don’t know Logan, just tell me!” “…..Three.”
The girl was 20 years old at the time. I’ll never forget that.
-averagesizedhatlogan
11/46. My girlfriend at the time genuinely believed that it was the headless horseman that ran though Lexington and Concord shouting “The British are coming, the British are coming!”
-DrCool2016
12/46. Said her dad told her the giant wind farm fans in central California were to cool things down and she believed him.
Me: when you were a kid?
Her: no, last year.
-pm_me_good_news
13/46. Boyfriend took me to a fancy restaurant and we ordered wine. When the waiter came back, he gave my BF the cork to sniff. My BF grabbed it, sucked on it and licked it like a lollipop, all excited. The waiter looked uncomfortable, poured our glasses and slunk away.
-SegoLil
14/46. “Is that an albino duck?” “That’s a dove.”
-RonyTheTurtle
15/46. He decided that he didn’t want to poop while staying with me in student halls, so he didn’t poop for ten days and seriously messed up his digestive system.
-CharlieSabina
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16/46. He wrote a love poem about my brown eyes. My eyes are green.
-hofnowhere
17/46. When he answered his cell phone in the movie theater and proceeded to have a loud conversation with his dealer during the movie.
-j0m1n1n
18/46. We were out having a few drinks, he said his tooth hurt, he just pulled it straight out of his mouth. I guess it was rotten anyway but holy shit, who the hell does that kind of thing?
-package_of_crips
19/46. He actually believed that if you had money, it was because God thought you were a good person, and only bad people were poor. The truly ironic part of this was that he couldn’t get enough work to make a living, and had to ask his wealthy father for handouts all the time.
I was trying to carefully manage the breakup since we worked down the hall from each other, when he decided to dump me because he didn’t like who I voted for in the election.
-PerilousAll
20/46. I found it charming and endearing that he did funny voices, made funny idiosyncratic jokes, and occasionally called me “m’lady”.
Then I saw Anchorman.
Oh my god he literally was doing a 24/7 Ron Burgundy impression, eclipsing his entire personality. I’m not sure I ever really met him.
-quiteatoughlass
21/46. When she told me that she’d never been to France. I knew for a fact she went to Disneyland Paris every year.
“Paris isn’t in France!” She insisted. We live in the UK by the way. You can literally take a train to France.
-endlesshills
22/46. She called to RSVP to a surprise party. She called the person who the party was being thrown for. When I asked her how she didn’t know not to do that, she said the invitation wasn’t clear.
I looked at the invitation and it said in big letters “SHHHH! It’s a surprise party!”
-billigesbush
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23/46. He shot himself in the leg twice while cleaning his gun. Two weeks apart.
-technocassandra
24/46. She thought flashing red lights on the road (as in traffic lights blinking red) meant you were entering a different time zone instead of indicating a stop sign.
-Brandito23
25/46. Was on a hike and was following a trail I had read up on online. We get to a fork and I say, “Okay now we need to go north”. She says, “Haven’t we been this whole time?”
Confused, I look at her and ask why she says that. She replies, “North is the direction in front of you, right?”
-Tork260
26/46. My girlfriend and her best friend got in an argument whether or not Canada was a language or a state.
-KappaSigSavage
27/46. He insisted that women cannot be doctors, only nurses (and vice versa.) He said that the two are the exact same thing except one is male and one is female.
-Tri_Sara_Tops
28/46. He thought the Nation of Islam was a place. When I explained to him this was not the case, he responded with, “agree to disagree.”
-LeighDief
29/46. My ex was the oldest of 6. We had been dating for about a week, both 20. I commented, “you have wide hips for a man.” He replies, “it’s from carrying children.”
I was totally baffled til his youngest brother walked in and he picked him up and held him to the side, rested on his hip, as you do with toddlers. I had to sit him down and explain that you don’t get wide hips from literally carrying children around.
-hissyhissy
30/46. My ex thought that whenever I missed his call, the phone would still be ringing even after it went to voice mail. I got at least three voice mails a week that consisted of silence and the odd annoyed, impatient sigh.
-vyvyan86
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31/46. I had a girlfriend in my younger days who never looked both ways before crossing the street. I asked her why, and she said she would just sue the driver if she got hit and be set for life. I asked her how she planned to do that if she was splattered all over the street, and she said she’d roll over and memorize the license plate easily.
-lovely2017
32/46. She got me MadLibs and when it was her turn to do a noun she asked: “What is a noun?” I said, “It’s a person, place, or thing.”
There was a long silence as she thought. It went on for so long that I thought she must be thinking of the best noun I had ever heard. Then she said, “place.”
-tedave123
33/46. We were watching a wildlife documentary, and my girlfriend asked me if bears laid eggs.
-BobSleigh88
34/46. “Oh wow, Halloween is on Friday the 13th this year!” No. No, it’s not.
-carbonlandrover
35/46. She “surprised” me by inviting her mother on our 16-day Hawaiian cruise.
-gawdybaubles
36/46. My ex gf is 5’4″ and petite. She wouldn’t eat all day, come home, and have 3 martinis and black out. She would then claim she was allergic to alcohol.
-gnrc
37/46. She tried to argue that we could get to the moon easier if we just built a spaceship that could go underwater, and flew it through the ocean to the moon during the day time rather than straight up.
-Blindjakefromstate
38/46. “I’ll just go get tested if I feel sick. If they find a rabie then I’ll get some medicine.” He had been bitten by a squirrel, also directly related to him being an idiot.
-effieokay
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39/46. She thought that the past was black and white. She was serious.
-babybopp
40/46. We were sitting there stargazing having a good time and all when she blurts out: “do you think that the sun is a star?”
-Nicklebrick
41/46. We were playing with my dog when my boyfriend remarked “I thought he was fixed.” I said, yes, of course he’s fixed. “But he still has a penis.” He thought fixing a dog meant removing its penis.
-UNKLEUNKLE
42/46. When she stated that an onion turns black after being cut because “it’s absorbing toxins from the air.”
-vag-rash
43/46. We went a grill house and she was amazed to learn steak came from cows. Also the fact bacon and gammon came from the same animal confused her.
-Devon-Day
44/46. I cant get my girlfriend to understand that celsius and fahrenheit are the same thing. She thinks celsius is cold and fahrenheit is hot.
-Boscoethadog
45/46. She claimed to have a doctorate in ’emotionology’. A doctorate.
I asked her what her masters thesis was on and what her dissertation included. She looked at me like I was eating doorknobs.
She insisted it was a legitimate study and got angry if her friends didn’t call her ‘doctor’ when introducing her. She also kept a ledger of “unacceptable words and colours” that were not to be used in her presence. Her field of expertise proved that these words and colours oozed negativity and bred evil.
One of the worst parts was meeting this whack job gaggle of friends she had that believed all this stuff. It’s like the stupid could be contracted and spread.
-sacrosanctt
46/46. She said on multiple occasions that she wished she had been born in 2030 so she could live to see the year 3000.
That’s 970 years folks.
-DarwinDanger