For some of us *ahem* virtually every exchange is an exercise in awkward futility. But these Quora contributors bring their family into the act as they share the most awkward parental conversations. Don’t worry – it’s not all “where do babies come from?”
I had heard the word, so I asked my father what “menstruation” means.
I was only ten years old, back when I still didn’t know what teenage girls and women go through every month.
So my father turns to me, making a surprised face, and he replies, “It means your mother is angry for a week.”
Awkward.
Nora Autumn
It was the talk but the conversation didn’t happen in the way that would have been considered normal.
When I was ten, one of the boys that I played with had done something wrong at home and didn’t get any allowance, so he couldn’t buy any candy. He was 11.
Well, he offered to show us his wee-wee for a nickel.
We all knew what boys had, but had never seen one, or knew how it really worked. So we jumped at the chance to get a peek.
We all gave him a nickel, and he showed us. All the other girls were kind of grossed out. But leave it to me to get the most out of my nickel.
I held it, sort of examining it. But then it began to… change. The look on his face was priceless – talk about a deer in headlights!
When that happened the other girls ran off. They thought I had hurt him, and so did I! I hugged him and started crying, telling him, “Youre my friend, I would never hurt you on purpose!”
I told him to put it back and go home and rest. I was still crying, and I felt so bad because I really thought he was hurt. I went home and told my mother what I had done. Her first reaction was extreme laughter.
When she finally calmed down, we had a long talk about why that happens. She told me that I did not hurt him, but not to do it again. She didn’t punish me because she said that she felt that I had been punished enough by my own guilt.
London Williams
My Dad always loved telling me how he met my mom.
As he began showing signs of dementia this was one of the stories he would insist on repeating. But with every telling, it would include more and more details about their sex life. (continued…)
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“Dad!” I would say “Please stop! Ugh! Parents never have sex!”
He found this hilarious. “How do you think you were made?”
A few weeks before his death, he insisted on putting me through a conversation about how amazing sex had been with my mother.
I asked him to stop. Please. I covered my ears. I sang. LALALALALALA. I shook my head.
Nothing deterred him.
I think that the point he wanted to get across was that I was conceived with unimaginable passion and ferocious love.
While now that he’s gone I hold this in my heart, there are parts of the story I wish I could un-hear.
Dushka Zapata
I started dating in high school. One night, a date canceled on me. My mother asked why I wasn’t going out. I told her my date had blown me off. My mother was mortified, and I didn’t know why.
Some minutes later while explaining to her what I meant by “blown me off,” I discovered that the phrase meant something else when my mother was in high school.
Christopher Burke
I had this conversation with my mother and my stepfather. I’d been staying at home for awhile, but I was looking for an apartment. One morning, after I’d come home late the night before, we were sitting at the breakfast table with coffee.
My mother brought up how she thought I needed a new bed for my apartment and asked if I was free to go shopping that day. We talked about beds for a few minutes when she brought up how much she loved their bed, that even though it was older, it still had a lot of life in it.
And so help me, I couldn’t stop the words from coming out of my mouth… (continued…)
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“Yes, it sure does have a lot of life in it. Springs bouncing and squeaking in the wee hours of the morning.”
She spit out her coffee with a stunned look on her face. He got all red (I swear I thought he would burst) jumped up from the table and ran out. And then my mom laughed like I’d never heard her in my life. We couldn’t talk for a good half hour; she just kept laughing every time we looked at each other.
She would bring that up for years – the best laugh she ever had.
Kathleen Grace
When I was maybe 8 or 9, my dad and I were watching Mulan. In the movie, we got to the part (spoilers I guess) where Mulan was injured and she was in the tent. Then a guy came in and said something along the lines of – “It is true! You are a girl!”
I was confused, so I asked my dad, “How did he know shes a girl?”
He kept looking at the TV. “Uh… because of her chest.”
Still confused, oblivious little me asked, “Why? What about her chest?”
He stared at me for a few seconds, then continued watching.
I didnt keep asking him about it, but I was still confused. And if any of you are wondering; I now know how he knew Mulan was a girl.
Isabela Rodriguez
Growing up with a super-liberal sex-therapist for a father, “awkward” does not even begin to describe some of the conversations I’ve had with my parents. In fact, I don’t think the internet could handle the most awkward conversations we’ve had, so I’ll just share one typical evening exchange at our house.
I was in my mid-teens and we were all in the living room watching a documentary about the dangers of plastic-surgery going wrong, when my Dad turned to me. (continued…)
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“Sweetie, I don’t think you should ever get breast implants.”
“Um, okay Dad. Here I was thinking that, with his medical background, he was going to tell me statistics about the risks and dangers or maybe, even give me a pep-talk about positive body image. But then he surprised me once again.
“It’s really not a good idea. You see, I was once in bed with this woman and things were getting very intimate. I started touching her breasts and to my surprise they were rock hard. I was confused, so I said ‘Woah, what’s going on with your breasts?’ Well, she got so mad, that she kicked me out of bed and I did not get any action that night.”
…
“I guess I should have kept my mouth shut. But yeah. It doesn’t feel that great for men, so no need to get them.”
…
Anonymous
In grade 3 or 4 this boy named Bobby chased me around the school yard saying he was going to “hump” me. I had no idea what “hump” meant whatsoever but my instincts told me this was not a good thing. So I ran off school property to get away, knowing he wouldnt risk getting into trouble by following me.
I got caught and refused to tell the principal why. I was embarrassed and ashamed. I somehow knew the word “hump” was a “bad” word and I knew it was not the same as saying other “bad” words.
They called my parents. Both of them picked me up and sat me down at the dining room table and asked why I ran off school property.
I told them that Bobby was chasing me saying he was going to do something to me so I ran off school property knowing he would not follow. Of course they asked me what he said he was going to do. I refused to say it. (continued…)
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I sat there and tried but the awkwardness and shame just wouldnt allow me to spit it out. I even recall trying to sound it out so they would be the ones to have to guess and say it aloud. During the six hours I sat there my parents went through all the emotions, concern, anger, frustration etc.
Finally my father clued in that this wasnt defiance or stubbornness, this was shame and embarrassment. So he said “Listen Boss,” (that was my nickname) “how about you go to the top of the stairs, when you get there shout out the word, our backs will be turned so you dont have to look at us when you shout it. And I promise we will never say the word or talk about any of this again. We just want to know what he said.”
This seemed reasonable to me. I ran to the top of the stairs and screamed “HUMP!” then went to bed.
They held true to their word. In fact I dont think Ive ever heard either of them say the word hump. That sticks out as the most awkward thing Ive ever recalled having to talk about with my parents.
Alice S. Hattie
My parents had a very loving relationship for 53 years until my mother passed away. And, frankly, they had a very physical relationship. (Hey, the wall between their bedroom and the bedroom my brother and I shared was pretty thin.) My mother could and would talk to my brother and I about almost everything – except sexual matters.
When my father was 70, he had surgery for prostate issues which left him temporarily impotent. When I called my mother on the phone to see how my father was doing, she said, “Well, he’s been very grouchy lately. Your father has always been very… mmm active until the surgery.”
Thankfully, I was hundreds of miles away, talking to her on the telephone.
Richard White
I once snuck my boyfriend into my bedroom one night and he left via my bedroom window early the next morning. We had spent the night wrapped up together, sleeping peacefully.
The next morning my very strict mother said to me, “I know you had him in there last night! I could hear you having SEX!” (continued…)
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We literally had not been having sex and had been as quiet as possible not to get caught. I told her, yes he was there, but we had just been sleeping.
She then says, quite shrilly, “I could hear the bed going BANG BANG BANG against the walls!”
I don’t know what she was hearing but it wasn’t me! Pretty awkward to hear that kind of accusation from your mother though.
She also once accused me of being a drug addict because I seemed “secretive.” I had recently moved further away and was unable to visit as often, causing her to immediately assume I was on drugs.
She also had messaged my ex boyfriend behind my back asking if I was a drug addict, and if that was the reason we’d broken up. She couldn’t accept the fact that I was strong enough to break up with him on my own terms because he wasn’t someone I wanted to be with anymore.
Very awkward having to explain to your own parent that you are, in fact, not a drug addict.
Katie Birtles
I had the most awkward conversation you could ever imagine with me mother after I broke my… “third leg.”
Yes that’s a thing. The doctor classified it as a penile fracture from rough sex. And it’s so rare that doctors don’t really know what to do in that situation. It happens a lot if the girl is in top and doesn’t land the right way. I know, the idea of it just makes you cringe. It can cause permanent curvature.
So after the girl and I finished, I noticed that it was swollen and purple. It looked like a purple balloon! So I had to tell my mom about it later to decide if I should go to the ER.
She actually laughed when I told her! Man was it difficult getting those words out of my mouth. On top of everything else, this was my first time having sex and my first time talking to my mom about it.
Hooray!
Leonid Uvarov