You know how you tell the dentist you floss three times a day, even though nobody on Earth actually flosses three times a day? Well, she knows you’re lying, and these people know you’re lying too.
This piece is based on an AskReddit thread. Link on the last page.
1/23. Im a chef. I know you don’t have a gluten allergy when you drank three beers and ate all of the table bread before your gluten free pasta arrived.
-hhb235
2/23. “I never go to any websites that are not work related.”
Oh yeah? Then why is your computer full of enough malware to choke a horse, also you did not clear your web history.
-dbasinge
3/23. Your music teacher always knows if you have or haven’t been practising your instrument since your last lesson. It’s very easy to tell.
-sabbathan1
4/23. Trust me: dieticians know you’re cheating when you show up with Cheeto dust on your fingers.
-laterdude
5/23. As a professor who teaches survey design and data collection, I know when you decide to fill out your own online survey 200 times (ahem, Maggie and Lauren) rather than collect data as instructed because the IP address is the same for all 200 surveys.
-IRunFast24
6/23. Im a pharmacist. People claim they “definitely” only get controlled substances from us. There’s a thing called the Prescription Drug Monitoring Program that logs controlled substance prescription, with name on the prescription, prescribing doctor, quantity, and pharmacy that filled it.
So, sure, you didn’t get 150 oxycodone pills from us last week, but you got it from Walgreens, and then another 120 from RiteAid, and a small pharmacy an hour south filled 90 of them two days ago. Let me guess: youre not claiming this on your insurance.
-serafinapekala
7/23. I’m a police officer. As you can imagine, I deal with people lying to my face pretty much all day every day. My favourite is when I search a vehicle. (continued…)
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As soon as you open the door they start declaring, “That ain’t mine.” Dude, I haven’t even began looking for anything yet and you are already denying ownership? Smooth.
Another good one is when I find a crack pipe, “That ain’t mine. This isn’t my jacket.” Then when I just send them on their way without charging them because it’s just a crack pipe, they ask, “Can I have my crack pipe back then?”
Real geniuses, crack smokers.
-bluebgnatcatcher
8/23. Much of the lab work we do at my hospital is best done after a patient has been fasting for 8-12 hours. People cheat all the time.
We can often tell when people cheated because when we go to spin down the blood the plasma is a milky white instead of clear.
-TerraWoods
9/23. I know when you’re likely cheating on an exam. How?
Because I was 16 once. Because you’re not that bright. Because I’ve seen your previous attempts. But probably because your answers match up with the fake answer key I keep on my desk.
-gamaliel64
10/23. I’m in the fire service. Every single one of my ‘customers’ lies.
“I have had my chimney swept recently.” – No you haven’t, hence the chimney fire you just started.
“I check my smoke alarm every week!” – Oh, I see, it just happened to stop working in the last week eh?
-RobertTheSpruce
11/23. I’m a defense lawyer. Believe it or not, I can pretty much immediately tell when you’re lying to me. (continued…)
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I know you’re lying when you don’t know the names of “your friend” who witnessed your side of the story, or you don’t know what street your “aunt’s house” is on that you say you were at at the time, et cetera.
Not knowing details that you first of all would just know, and second of all could figure out retroactively upon request, is a sure sign that you’re lying.
Now, don’t get me wrong, it is everyone’s constitutional right in the US to a vigorous defense, no matter how guilty you are, and I will provide my best, but the reason why we have attorney-client confidentiality is because I can’t do that very well if I don’t know the facts accurately, and I can’t know the facts accurately if you lie to me.
-dumperbumper
12/23. Your personal trainer knows you don’t really follow the diet plan and they know you don’t workout an hour every day at home.
They probably won’t tell you too much of the truth because they want your money. But they know.
-FifteenPancakes
13/23. Im a graphic designer. When clients say: It should only take you ten minutes Thats the first indication that this is gonna take all week.
-jay_ay_kay
14/23. Work at a restaurant. When you call me on Friday night to follow up on your job application, and tell me you have “lots of restaurant experience”… Well, dude, why are you calling me during the busiest shift of the week?
-Anonymous
15/23. I work in loss prevention at a department store. Yes, I know you stuffed merchandise down your pants. No, your genitals do not create a bulge the size of a basketball.
-FluffLife
16/23. I’m a hotel clerk. Trust me: I know a lot about you. (continued…)
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We know when a reservation has been paid for online. It flags a specific code on our computers so we know. You’re not gonna get a free stay out of me.
We know when you’ve been smoking in our non-smoking hotel. It is one of the most obvious things ever. Especially pot. When a section of hallway goes from no smoke odor to strong smoke door… You’re going to get billed at least $200 for it.
And if you’re checking in with a lady at 2 am on a Tuesday (and you check in with a different lady every week)… I know she’s not your wife. You don’t need to lie.
-ripplecutbuddha2
17/23. I work as a bouncer. If we ask you how much you’ve had to drink, you already look too drunk to get in/stay. Don’t give me some nonsense comment like I only had two drinks when you’re a 240 pound man who can barely stand up.
-SFRoussimoff
18/23. When I ask you if you have rebooted your computer and you say yes, then I open task manager and see it’s been up for 6000 hours, yea you are lying or think logging off is the same as a reboot.
-MadLintElf
19/23. The staff at the ER know whatever is stuck in yourself was put there on purpose.
You can tell us whatever story you want about how you were just walking around without pants cause you just got out the shower. And how you slipped, fell and landed on the cucumber/remote/flashlight/whatever vaguely phallic object you had on hand. And you landed in just such a way that it slid straight up your butt.
We all know exactly what you were doing.
-thedarkwaffle90
20/23. I’m a blackjack dealer. One of the most entertaining things about my work is seeing all the shady illegal goings on. (continued…)
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It’s incredibly amusing because no one seems to realize that all the floor staff know exactly what’s going on all the time. We know who the drug dealers, junkies, live-in gamblers, casino sex workers, and petty criminals are. We’re on a first name basis with most of them.
When some 35 year old would be gangster tries to act tough, dropping $500 on the table I just wish I could tell him: “Youre not cool. I know you just paid for sex. I saw you walking up to the hotel with her. Her name is June, she likes to tell me stories about her crazy mom.”
-Meangreenfleenmachin
21/23. Insurance agent here. When giving someone a quote there are some questions for which I deliberately make assumptions and let them correct me rather than asking, because if I phrase it like a question people will tell me what they think I want to hear.
It’s the difference between:
“And you don’t do X, right?”
“I totally do X, I do X all the time, I’m gonna tell you all about X because you’re wrong about my not doing it.”
And:
Do you do X?”
“…No?”
“You’re sure? The quote won’t be accurate if you are.”
I know everyone wants cheaper rates, but please don’t lie to me. This actually counts as insurance fraud, and if we find out you did this after you’ve tried to file a claim for something, not only are we not gonna pay that claim, but some states will actually fine you money and charge you with a felony.
I know you’re getting screwed, but please, please, at least let us use lube.
-WeaponizedOrigami
22/23. Lawyer: “Ok, before we file this lawsuit and I stop sleeping and eating for the next month or so, are you absolutely certain you have told me everything?”
Client: “Yes?” (continued…)
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Lawyer: “So, you’re positive that there aren’t any documents or emails or text messages out there that contradict what you have told me?”
Client: “Yep.”
Lawyer: “I just want to remind you that once we file this lawsuit, the defendant can and will start the discovery process, at which point they will ask for access to all of your emails and text messages, even if they were sent from personal devices/accounts.”
Client: “Great.”
[fast-forward two weeks after filing lawsuit]
Lawyer: “We need all of your text messages discussing the defendant.”
Client: “Well, they aren’t entitled to see those messages right? They are private. Aren’t messages with my son/friends/whoever priveleged?”
Lawyer: “The defendant can ask for anything that is relevant.”
Client: But there are sensitive materials in here…”
[client reluctantly hands over phone and private email access]
[one day later]
Lawyer: “so, my advice is to cut your losses and try to settle as soon as possible. I discovered texts and emails directly contradicting your case. Once we produce these, the defendant will file for summary judgement, which will cost you around $50,000 in legal fees. You will most likely lose and also be liable for the defendant’s legal fees.”
Just tell your lawyer the truth.
-Lulubellefromgowest
23/23. “These aren’t my pants” – Everyone I have ever arrested.
-Anonymous
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