As the old saying goes, “Listeners never hear any good of themselves.” As it turns out, if you listen too closely, you’ll never hear anything good at all.
This piece is based on a Quora Question. Links on the last page.
1/16. I woke up to see a flashlight flickering on in my bedroom. I was awake at once, but terrified, so I stayed still. Then I heard my roommates speak.
Roommate 1: Point the flashlight the other way. Hell see us and escape!
The flashlight danced across the wall. That was when I realized they were carrying screwdrivers.
Roommate 1: Quick, stab him!
Roommate 2: I cant do it!
Roommate 1: Ugh, I have to do everything around here.
I heard a screech
In my half-woken state, I thought my roommates were planning to kill me. It turns out they had tracked a rat into my room in order to stab it with screwdrivers.
Idiots? Yes. Murderers? Not of humans, at least.
-Anonymous
2/16. This not something I overheard, technically, but pretty close.
It happened about ten years ago in Kiev, Ukraine. I was sitting at anInternet cafe, when a young guy sitting next to me asked for help using thecomputer. I helped him with the browser and opened Google for him. I keptglancing in his direction to make sure he was doing fine, when I saw the wordshe typed in his search window. They said: “how do you sell a kidney?”
-Kateryna Garbar
3/16. I was in my early twenties. I hadrecently moved in with a family friend. He was 50-something. We were notromantically connected in any way. We were just good friends. He happened tohave a bedroom suite available in his penthouse apartment. It was luxurious andavailable, so I took it.
One day the doorbell rang fairly early in the morning.When I looked through the peephole, I saw a familiar face, a friend of my roommate’s.
The man was large androbust. He was severely sunburnt and very fidgety. When I opened the door herushed in and asked if my roommate was home. Before I could answer, he wasalready at my roommates bedroom door banging frantically. (continued…)
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The man who had made the earlyvisit to our apartment had a loud voice with a strong German accent. This iswhat I heard.
Hey! Wake up. Come on, get up!Just got back from the islands. It was perfect! He starts laughinghysterically then says, this one was different. You should have seen his eyeswhen the bullet went in. It was the funniest look I’ve seen yet!
Okay, to hell with this. I’moutta here! I was trying to quietly rush to my room, but before I could get tothe door, the man appeared in my path. He gave me a look that stopped mybreathing entirely. Then a huge warm smile appeared on his face as he placedhis hands on my shoulders. He shook my body and said, it’s a beautiful morningsweetheart! Have a wonderful day! With that, he left.
I never saw the man again. However, later on myroommate did ask if I had heard the conversation. I advised him I had been inthe bathroom during the mans brief visit. I moved out shortly after citing Ineed to be by myself or around people my own age.
-Heidi Wood
4/16. When I was a junior in highschool, I was walking into a bathroom stall, and I noticed two girls walkingbehind me who I knew were freshmen. I went into a stall, while they started havinga very detailedconversation about a guy that one of the girls was sleeping with.
I kind of just shut up in thestall and didnt do anything, hoping theyd leave.
The girl just kept going on aboutpositions, and what sex acts he liked, and how she was going to see him againon Saturday.
Then the other girl asks, “howold is he again?”
“32. And he has a friend who wasasking about you. Hes only 27.”
-Anonymous
5/16. I was travelling in Morocco, and overheard this conversation.
Guy 1: Did you kill him?
Guy 2: Slit his throat.
Guy 1: Where did you putthe head? (continued…)
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I ran away and was deeply distressed for therest of the day, until I realized it was Eid al-Adha.
Its also called the”Sacrifice Feast”, and its the second of two Muslim holidays (the other being Ramadan)celebrated worldwide each year. The tradition is to sacrifice the best halaldomestic animals: cow, camel, goat, sheep, or ram depending on the region.
Didn’t overhear murder talk. Close call.
-Sonja Elwicz
6/16. This guy at work was talking on the phone about his young daughter.
Him: Yeah she has a body like a boy now, but once she gets older, Im sure shell have a nice body.
Everyone in the room: Errrrrrr
Him: Just like her mom, you know. If I was a boy their age, I would be trying to be really close friends with her.
Everyone in the room: ERRRRR
I’m sure he didn’t mean it the way it sounded, but… still.
-Tillman Huett-Lassman
7/16. Two guys are talking next to me at a restaurant.
Guy 1: Dude, how do you decide if you take her to her place or your place?
Guy 2: It depends on how rough I want sex to get.
Guy 1: What do you mean?
Guy 2: Well, if I get rough and were at her place, she kicks me out and I have to go home in the middle of the night. If were at my place, the girl can leave and Im already in bed.
-Dushka Zapata
8/16. Two students on a train. I was sitting opposite.
Seemed like they’d never met each other before, because they were asking questions like, “So what do you study?”
Then first one says “What do you like to do on weekends?”
The other one, a pale teenage male wearing a black trench coat, responded in a way that was surprising, to say the least. (continued…)
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He replied: “I like to do a bit of vampiring. You know, me and a few friends meet up and drink each others blood.”
I fully expected the other guy to get up and run away, freak out, look for a wooden stake. But instead the reply was:
“Oh, cool. I do that too.” Like he was talking about snowboarding or something.
-Paul Courts
9/16. My barber used to share space with a Real Estate office. One afternoon,I was getting my hair cut, chatting when the real estate agent walked into thesalon, beaming.
“We are gonna close the best deal we’ve done for a longtime! he said. We found some new victims that’ll make us a bunch ofmoney!”
To think that this real estate agent looked at his clients as victimsreally creeped me out. He didnt even seem to realize hed said it.
-Simon Smith
10/16. Girl : Is it in yet?
Guy : I think so, I dont know.
Girl : Do something then.
Guy : What do you mean? I am doing something.
Girl : Shhhhhh gotta be quiet, someone is sleeping.
Overheard this conversation while staying at a mixed-dorm room in a backpackers hostel during one of my previous trips.
First times are usually awkward. Doing it for the first time in a mixed-dorm backpackers hostel room while other people are sleeping, at 4 AM in a cheap metal squeaky bunk bed isnt making it any better either.
-Cynth Chan
11/16. Two men were talking at a coffee shop. One mans business was clearly inserious trouble. He was talking about his boss.
“All he said was Im so sorry, for the business. But the whole time,he said not one word of regret for the girl he killed.” (continued…)
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Other guy: “I would have neverpicked him for the kind of guy who lived a double life.”
“Me either, you never really know anyone do you?”
“He was so kind and normal.”
“You know he would have had tohold his hands around her neck for three minutes. You know how long that is? Lookingher in the eye! For three minutes! He could have stopped if he wanted to.”
I stopped eavesdropping after that.
-Jacqueline Boyd
12/16. I speak a small amount of Russian. Not enough toget me through a conversation, but I can understand a fair amount more than Ican speak.
I was in Torontowalking down the road, and there were two guys, sitting and talking in Russianat a table. I overheard four words: dead, body, murder, and what wasessentially dispose. I turned pale and got the hell out of there.
-[deleted]
13/16. I was at Applebees when this dude and his date sitdown at the table next to us. They launch into bizarre conversation about howshampoo is the governments way of controlling our minds.
Then he leans in close and whisperssomething to her. His date shouts, “No way!” Everyone turns andstares, so she blushes and lowers her voice. I, of course, listened.
“Youre joking…you’re not really Jesus…are you?” Dude smirked and nodded, and his date looked genuinely impressed.
-[deleted]
14/16. I was at an airport and hadto use the restroom. This was in one of the smaller terminals so there waspractically nobody near where I was, except for in the stall next to me.
I wasgoing about my business when all of a sudden I hear this high, femininegiggling coming from the occupied stall next to me. Please note I was in themen’s restroom. So I figure that some random lady got lost and ended up in thewrong restroom.
But then I heard another, deeper voice telling the lady to bequiet. (continued…)
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So I sit there for amoment, wanting to finish up as quickly as possible so I can leave beforethings get graphic, but I was too late. Suddenly the guy yells: “Oh my god,youre not a woman!”
The stall door banged open and I heard the guy speedout of the bathroom, the girl close behind him. I then took the quickest dumpof my life and hurried back to my gate.
-BirdHeadedPhysician
15/16. I use to work at a factory, and they get a lot ofworkers in from temp agencies. So there tended to be a lot of weird folksaround.
As I was walking back from my lunch break, I pass two guys andaccidentally overhear: “I can’t help myself. I just want to impregnate the first thing Isee.” My only thought was, “Don’t make eye contact, don’t make eyecontact, don’t make eye contact.”
-ahylianhero
16/16. It was Friday night, and I was riding the traindowntown in Chicago. A gaggle of DudeBros comes on, slightly drunk, all hootingand hollering about all the tail they’re gonna score tonight and how drunkthey’re gonna get.
This goes on for about 5 stops, until this giantNordic-looking Viking-esque guy gets on with the most disconcerting smile.
All the DudeBros go dead silent as soon as they seehim. There’s no interaction between Viking and DudeBros at all for 2 morestops. We get to the North and Clybourn stop, and Viking guy says in a booming jollyvoice, “WELL FELLAS, I GUESS THIS IS WHERE YOU GUYS ARE GETTING OFF!”He steps off the train, not even looking back.
And the DudeBrosall followed him off the train with their heads hanging down. Everyone lookedaround for some explanation of what happened. Im afraid I dont have one.
-Sushispook