Most parents do a good job of encouraging their kids without pushing too hard nd all that good stuff. But there are some parents out there who need a serious makeup class.
This piece is based on a Quora Question. Link on the last page.
1/16. I wish parents would stop making their children take on the roles of adults too early. I’m tired of hearing that my students don’t have time to study because they have jobs outside of school which are necessary to feed the family.
I’m tired of hearing that my students are late to first period because they’re taking their little brothers or sisters to school. I actually have a student who was absent 53 days one year because he was babysitting one of his siblings.
Some families fall on hard times, but there are cases I’ve seen where the family believes that there is nothing even remotely wrong with keeping kids at home for their own convenience, as if going to school is the same as going to daycare or being part of some kind of social club.
Daniel Kaplan
2/16. I wish parents would stop doing things for their kids that the kids can do themselves.
Me, to kindergarten child: Hello, what’s your name?
Parent: Her name is Bella, short for Isabella.
Me: Hi Bella, I’m Ms. Kennedy. What color name tag do you want?
Parent: She likes purple.
Me: Ok, why don’t you write your name here, Bella. What is your favorite animal?
Parent, writing child’s name: Her favorite animal is a Dalmatian, like our dog. She likes to count his spots, right Bella?
Me: Here Bella, why don’t you show your mom where your desk is?
Parent: C’mon Bella, I’ll show you. Here’s your name on the desk, right there.
On and on and on. From preschoolers up to college students. It’s much better to let them try first and ask for help if they need it.
McKayla Kennedy
3/16. Call me crazy, but I think parents need to encourage their kids to fail. Let me explain. (continued…)
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Its important to know how to fail. How else are we supposed to learn from our mistakes, and do better?
I encounter many parents who intervene so their child always encounters success. I have parents who are furious that their child does not immediately grasp a new concept and think I am out of bounds for pointing out that, with practice, the kid will get there. There are parents who loudly and aggressively dispute grades and sports scores and argue their child should get every award.
A child shouldn’t get every single award. He or she should understand how to fall down and get back up. A child shouldn’t hear, “The teacher is wrong to give you a B! The referee is wrong to call the game that way! The judges were wrong to vote against you!” They should hear, “What amazing effort! I love how much you’ve improved! What can we do next?”
I love teaching kids who understand that life (and sports… and education…) is all about learning from mistakes and doing better next time.
Ellen Burchett
4/16. Being more concerned about their child’s grade than their child’s learning.
Most contact I have with parents come when they have bad grades. This is understandable, as there’s not often a need to intervene when things are going well. But good parents try to figure out what the student can do to learn better. They see the grades as a symptom of a lack of learning.
Bad parents tell me, “my kid needs to pass to [do extra-curricular activity].” This type of attitude is poisonous, and I’m sure the kids pick up on it.
Carter McClung
5/16. Maybe this is going to be controversial, but we seriously have to stop coddling children. I get not wanting to traumatize kids, but it does them no good to shield them from reality.
For example, one of the subjects I used to teach in elementary school was drama. Every now and then, I would have to deal with a parent who wanted to further censor an already squeaky-clean script. But one mother stands out for making a particularly kooky request. (continued…)
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I had sent her daughter home with a script the night before. The following morning, she came in and asked if we could chat. She took me aside, and very seriously asked if I thought the script was appropriate for 8-year-olds. (It was an adaptation of a well-known kids’ book.)
I said, “Yes, of course.”
Then she said: “Is there any way you could put on a play with no conflict in it? We don’t like conflict.”
After I recovered from my surprise, I calmly explained to her that every single story ever told contains conflict. A story without conflict would be: Johnny is hungry; Johnny cooks a pizza; Johnny eats the pizza. Although even that story arguably contains a conflict between Johnny and his stomach.
To her credit, she listened intently and eventually came around to my side. But seriously – stop trying to shelter your children from every single thing.
Robbie Woods
6/16. There are times I fail as a teacher and can do better. There are many more times where a student doesn’t learn because they aren’t making an effort. Having the attitude that your child’s failure is 100% their teacher’s fault interferes with your child’s ability to improve where they’re lacking in the class.
-Carter McClung
7/16. I wish parents would stop reinforcing the myth that if you aren’t born with a natural talent for things like math and science you can’t be successful in those areas. I’d like parents to stop discouraging their children from trying very hard in math, science, etc. because they, “just aren’t good at math.”
I’m a high school math teacher and I often hear that sentiment from people. It is a symptom of what’s called a “fixed mindset.” I frequently remind my students that if they work at learning, even if it’s learning something they think they have no talent for, they can improve.
Starla Negin
8/16. You know what you need to stop doing? Expecting that your child should be perfect, when you aren’t.
I have a parent who expects his son to get an A in my English class, but he himself can’t write a single sick day note without making twelve incredibly obvious typos. Like, misspelling his own child’s name and mine name in ways that aren’t understandable out of context. (continued…)
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He always writes me notes about what can I do to ensure that his son gets an A. I would love for the student to earn an A, but he’s generally a B or C student.
The parent isn’t asking what the child could do to improve. I always give back a list of ways to improve, and it has helped the parent because he works on those with the student. But still, the child earns a B, and that’s a fine grade. Why stress the student out, when mom and dad couldnt get an A themselves?
Taylor Hall
9/16. Quit punishing your kids every time I call you.
When you first start teaching, everyone always says “if anything goes wrong, just call the parents. They’ll fix everything.” What you find is that 50% of those calls result in beaten kids who never even find out why you called, just that you’re mad and they’re bad. The other 50% still end up with parents who turn every concern on my part into punishment.
Even when it’s the parents’ fault–you may call to say “Johnny’s been coming to school without any fruits or vegetables in his lunch,” Johnny will come back the next day and say, “I’m sorry I offended you. My mom made me write this card.”
No! If you’re having trouble feeding your kids, I want to help fix the problem. I’m not here to assert my control and power!
But a lot of parents don’t see me calling them as an attempt to help, rather most of the time as me judging them, which causes a defensiveness which in turn yields whichever form of abuse they favor.
Colin Jensen
10/16. I wish parents would stop lying for their kids.
I’ve had parents tell me their kids were absent because they were sick, only to have their kids tell me to my face that they weren’t sick. Where were they? Shoe shopping for prom. Staying home to make up homework from when they were absent (which is about as crazy as it gets). Playing a new video game. Visiting family. Or (my favorite) just staying home because they didn’t feel like going to school that day.
One parent whose child had literally been absent 20% of the time came in one day and made an absolutely ludicrous request. (continued)
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He announced that his daughter was going to start coming to school every day now. Could I please let her turn in her missed assignment from those days?
Sure. If those absences are excused, that won’t be a problem. Unfortunately, they weren’t cleared.
He then told me that he had cleared them. All of them. When I asked what he’d told the attendance clerk, he said that he told them his daughter had been sick. I told him that I found that odd, since she had told me that she had simply not felt like coming to school on those days.
He pressed ahead and asked me again if I would let her turn in the work, I told him that I’d consider it if she were there every single day for the rest of the year. He said she would be. My next question was, “How can she be? She has been sick for so many days… did she get some miracle cure? Did they give her an immune system transplant?”
Daniel Kaplan
11/16. You should not be encouraging your child to fight other students in school when your child has already multiple suspensions for fighting! You probably shouldn’t post threats against students who your child is about to fight onto Instagram, either.
Taylor Hall
12/16. Don’t praise your children for being smart or for having some other natural ability they have no control over. Praise effort and hard work.
Studies have shown that students who are praised for effort are more successful in the long run. This is not to say that we focus on effort to the exclusion of all else; it is important for them to gain mastery and be successful. But praising effort will help get them there even if they weren’t “born smart.”
Starla Negin
13/16. I had a student turn in a paper which was 96% plagiarized from the internet. So I called the student’s mother in for a conference. I was expecting her to be angry, but not in the way she ended up being. (continued…)
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The mother claimed that she had watched the girl write the paper. I showed her the source from which it had been copied. She claimed I was wrong and that she had watched her daughter write the paper.
I showed her the publication date of the essay from which her daughter had copied. Two years before. She told me that she had watched her daughter write the essay.
I asked her daughter to explain what “patriarchal hierarchy” meant. She said she didn’t know. “But… you included it in your paper.”
The mother didn’t have anything to say to that. But seriously – stop helping your kids cheat! You’re teaching them to be terrible people.
Daniel Kaplan
14/16. Please stop expecting that your child will be something in particular. Your child is not guaranteed to be a success nor a failure based upon what your life was, is or will be.
Kids are their own little world and will become what they will become based on who they are and the experiences that they have. Encourage them to move in the right direction, help them if they need it and then let them succeed or fail on their own.
Mark Mularz
15/16. I wish parents would stop trying to live their lives through their children. I see this time and again. Parents who went through life and failed to seize the opportunities that were presented to them try to manipulate their children to live their unrealized dreams and aspirations.
The parent places intense pressure on children to live up to expectations that may not be realistic or beneficial for them. Each child is an individual with unique talents, personality, and desires.
Instead of trying to model a child into the person the parent failed to become parents would be far more effective if they created a nurturing environment for the child to actualize their unique potential.
Leon Goldman
16/16. Please stop doing your child’s homework. I cant tell you how often Ive had to say, “You earned your high school diploma, so please let your child earn his.”
Mary Bashara