Everybody thinks that they would makae a great therapist. All you have to do is sit and listen, right? Turns out it’s a bit more compliacated than that…
Here are 21 ‘You’ve Got To Be Kidding Me!’ moments from therapists and counsellors.
Many thanks to all the Redditors who responded. Check out more answers from the source at the end of this article!
1. Ugh, I’ll never eat chips again.
One client of mine bites and eats his fingernails. Gross, but not unheard of. Then I learn he stores his fingernails in a box in his room to save them for a snack later. A little grosser, but he’s about 9 so I’m hoping he will grow out of it.
What finally made me want to vomit was learning that when anyone in his family clips their nails, FINGERS OR TOES, they give him the clippings to add to his box. So when he’s eating nails from the box they could belong to his mother, father, or siblings. Yes, I’ve addressed the parents about enabling this behavior, but it is still happening.
omgunicornz
2. What a waste…
My hyper-conservative parents sent me to an addiction therapist because they found out I smoked pot occasionally in high school.
The therapist they chose was a former White House drug czar, a renowned authority on cocaine addiction and hard drug abuse, and an expert on rehabilitating extreme problem cases. My parents must have spent a fortune and pulled strings to get me an appointment.
The first session he asks me what drugs I use. I told him I smoke pot like once a week and that was it. After a few rounds of “come on, you can trust me,” and “we can’t begin treatment until you admit your problem” he realizes that I really do only smoke pot once in a while and literally says “you have got to be kidding me. Tell your parents you are a normal teenager and you don’t need to come back.”
Gumburcules
3. Not quite sure that’s addiction territory…
Intake clinician here.
“What brings you in today?”
-“I’m here for porn addiction.”
At this point, not the weirdest thing I’ve heard, let’s go with that. “Okay, tell me about it.”
-“I watch it three times a week, for 15 minutes or so at a time. My girlfriend said I’m an addict and forced me to come in.”
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I see lots of very extreme cases, but this was so minor that it made me stop for a moment.
I sent them to couples’ counseling.
apathyontheeast
4. That’s a lot of benefits if he’s right, though.
Had a client who we found out was storing his own feces under his bed. He would then eat it for a snack.
I guess I should say why he did this. First issue he thought he was an alien so eating it had a few benefits in his mind
1st benefit we could not study it.
2nd benefit he felt that alien feces had nutrients he could not get from our food. He would eat normal food but we found out he felt earth food was poison and this fixed that.
3rd benefit is that it’s worth a lot of money so he did not want us to steal it.
When we found out what he was doing I got to inform him that we were taking away his feces. He kicked me.
Suicidal_8002738255
5. Just for one measly snack!?
I had a client once who was less than 8 years old, and had once taken a snack from the fridge without permission. Her mother responded by locking the fridge, cabinets, and all the rooms that were not this child’s bedroom. Had quite a time explaining why that wasn’t really a reasonable reaction.
latche
6. CLEARLY sexual…
One that sticks out in my mind was a mother that brought in her 5-year-old for therapy because she was into Disney princesses, which are clearly sexual and since a 5-year-old is nonsexual, this must clearly mean she’s being sexually abused by a close family member.
I’ve also worked with countless couples who have come to counseling for adultery wherein adultery = porn. One client even became suicidal because she caught her husband masturbating after not having sex with him for months. I know everyone has different values, but c’mon, y’all.
RARBird
7. I like this guy.
A client was going to probate court and thought he’d dress up by putting a non slip sock on his collar as a tie. Trying to be supportive I told him, “Nice tie.”
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To which he replied, “It’s not a tie it’s a sock stupid.”
EggiwegZ
8. What a room!
I used to work with children that have autism and down syndrome which means a lot of play therapy. I had my moment when one of my clients wanted to sit on my lap while we practiced reciting animal cards followed with their corresponding noise. Forgot what animal noise I made that made him laugh so much that he ended up peeing on me from the laughter. That night was also date night.
Flipopapotamus
9. Because it was the only thing on?
Just today I conducted a threat assessment on a first grader who told his teacher he wanted to stab himself with a knife and die. Upon further questioning he revealed that he and dad watch the Walking Dead together and last time on the show he saw two people stab themselves to death because “they didn’t want to get eaten by the zombies.” Why are you even watching that show with a 6 year old?
pinesquared
10. That is true.
I was working surveillance one night at a psych ward, keeping a close watch on a mentally ill patient.
Right before my shift started I was briefed that the patient had started eating one of the lightbulbs and attacked a nurse.
At around 5am he woke up and saw me sitting there at the end of his bed, I said good morning and he didn’t reply.
About 15 minutes of silence went by before he stood up and stared out the window and said “a person is most vulnerable while taking a poop.”
I didn’t sit back down for the rest of my shift.
Sigouin
11. I’m not sure that you did…
Social work, not therapy but close enough.
Me: We need to think of some new ways for you to discipline your daughters other than spanking.
Client: But my parents did it to me and I turned out ok.
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Me: stares at this high school drop out drug addict who has spent his entire adult life in and out of jail/halfway houses, can’t get a job and had his 3 kids removed for abuse and neglect. Okay…
I actually did successfully turn this around in a gentle way and make him realize he hadn’t actually “turned out ok”.
Leohond15
12. Get out of there!
Friend and spouse were in couples counseling. Spouse was cheating. Therapist said, basically, “You are going to have to decide whether you want to stay married or have a relationship with X.” Spouse responded “No, I don’t”.
Therapist responded, “Wow, you are just an idiot.” Turns to friend “You should divorce.”
jncc
13. ALWAYS 😉
My client told me his family didn’t appreciate his interest in guns, to which he proceeded to tell me he is always carrying. He then places his gun on the table in front of me and asked if it made me nervous. It did, but we focused more about why he wanted to know if I was nervous and it brought it back around to his family. From then on, I made sure to always have access to a door and never put the client between the door and myself again- just to be safe.
Anonymous
14. So sad :'(
I had a client, an older female refugee that I worked with for several months before she told me that she had court the next week and was worried because she could be deported (if found guilty). She didn’t tell me earlier because she was ashamed and suffered in silence. She was living with extended family and the family got busted for smuggling and selling khat (a stimulant narcotic).
The family determined that she would take the fall for her husband and sons who were behind the operation. At the arrest, the police brought an interpreter for a different language, from a different ethnic group, in a different country than the client was from. On top of that, she said the police didn’t have an interpreter present during the questioning at the station and she waited there for almost two days until they found an interpreter for her language. I asked her if she understood what was happening and she said her lawyer (public defendant she met once) told her she would be deported, beyond that, she had no understanding of the situation, process, etc.
I had seen her psych eval stating that she had the cognitive equivalent of a seven-year-old. So I told her that we have information that could help her case and that her lawyer should see it as soon as possible. This was on a Friday, court was on Wednesday and the client didn’t know the name or any information about her public defender. We got a friend to help her collect the information, the client brought it to me on Monday, signed the ROI, lawyer called me back that afternoon saying they’ve got nothing to help this poor woman even though the case seems completely set up. I told the lawyer that we’ve got a whole bunch of insight and data and records that will get the charges dropped.
I didn’t work Tuesday’s and was going nuts worrying and hoping everything would get to where it needs to and in the hands of the people who need to see it.
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On Wednesday news from court comes that all charges were dropped! I used to get all kinds of sprung on me at the last minute then have to perform all kinds of bureaucratic trapeze maneuvers to alter the outcome of high stakes situations. I wrote so many, many letters. I was hired to be a mental health provider, but I ended up doing tons of case management because nobody else wanted to.
madestories
15. Riiiiiiiiggggghhhhht.
I have a client who is a daily methadone doser. During our last session he complained of sleep issues. Delving into this new issue he described his solution to me: he saves his spit in a jar to drink at night when he is unable to sleep.
GetOffMyCouch
16. I don’t have a headline for this one.
I’m a therapist and have a few of these stories, but this story was actually told to me by a therapist friend of mine. He said that he was working in a mental hospital a few years ago, and he and other staff heard a loud scream from down the hall. They ran to go check it out, and got to a patient’s room to see blood all over his face and hand and realized he had torn his own eyeball out. They try to diffuse the situation and start looking around for the eyeball. They couldn’t find it.
He had EATEN his own eyeball.
throwaway67890654321
17. Just takes commitment.
Doctor I used to work with told me about a woman who tried to commit suicide so they put her in a safe room. She then proceeded to try and overdose on water, which he told me is possible but really damn hard to do.
m3rc3n4ry
18. The eye contact is the worst part.
Forensic therapist here. I work with paroled sex offenders. One time a guy I worked with urinated on my coworkers car in broad daylight. She was in the car. He made eye contact with her while he was doing it.
His PO picked him up from group 20 minutes later. He’s currently living at a state facility.
manatee_eater
19. Yo little dude, just chill.
I’m a speech therapist (that counts, right?) and I see this little kindergartener who also has massive behavior issues. We are working on language and pragmatics because he enjoys calling people “stupid f—–g b—–s” and “little dirty w—-s” and “disgraces”, most likely for attention. He will walk around the room calling me a stupid b—h, and repeating the “f” word until he runs out of breath just to see if he can get a reaction from me.
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I would work on articulation with him because he doesn’t actually say those words correctly, but I figured best to work on that later after I’ve got the swearing and name calling down to a minimum.
harmonylane
20. You’re not, but you’re close.
When I worked in bereavement, a client of mine used the term ‘skid-marks’ when discussing the accident. For some reason, there and then, the expression just caught me off guard, I joined the dots, and the corners of my mouth started to rise. In actuality this may have only lasted a moment, but it felt like minutes, all the while I was drawing blood as I chewed down on the insides of my cheeks. I felt like the worst human being alive.
vatican_roulette
21. You have ONE job!
Was running an addiction treatment group. Some of the participants were referred by the court, usually for a DUI. The referral conditions were simple – if they finished treatment, they would not serve time in jail for the DUI.
One of these court-referred DUI participants ran a limo service, and showed up to group with a tablet and cell phone. He spread things out, and proceeded to treat the space as his personal office.
I intervened, explaining he would not be able to conduct business while participating in the group. He gave me a look that would have killed an ordinary person, said it was a busy time of year and he really needed to stay in touch with his drivers.
I told him I understood but he still needed to put the stuff away and pay attention. Lots of eye rolling, “I can’t believe this lady,” and he still kept checking his phone and getting up to go outside and take calls.
During the break I told him his behavior was disruptive and he would have to leave. This seemed to make him happy, until I added I would be telling the judge he did not complete treatment.
For the first time he seemed to slowly realize he was there for a reason, and might actually end up in jail because of his behavior. He apologized and asked to stay. And he settled down after that.
NickDanger55